The Self-Sabotuer

Oh are you her? Are you the girl that throws salt in her own game? Are you the one that thinks this relationship is just ‘too good to be true’? Do you test the limits of that poor guy seeing at what point he’ll break and just give up? Well if you’re her, I have something to say you. Stop it, just stop it now.

Once upon a time I was a self-saboteur it’s almost like a compulsion and many folks didn’t pass my ‘tests’. But I did it anyway out of habit and fear. As a young woman the best I could say about my experience with relationships was that I was a tad bit dippy, stupid, and definitely inexperienced. Many black women especially those who have just dealt with black men all their lives are used to the half-assed relationship. Now this isn’t to say you can’t do half-ass with a white boy cause you can and I have. But having a bad experience doesn’t suddenly give you the right to sabotage every possible functional relationship you may have. People self-sabotage for different reasons some folks want to test to see if the person is willing to make an effort, some want confirm their fear that the person will leave them at the drop of a hat and they usually confirm it. Some just can’t believe something so good would come to them and they don’t deserve it anyway. Whatever the reason self-sabotage is not the way to function. As well as relationships, people who are self-saboteurs also will sabotage careers, educations and just life in general.

Why would someone do this to themselves you ask? It’s hard to know and since I’m not a therapist I’ll try not to guess. I must say in my younger days I used to do it as a way to test people I was involved with, I usually proved myself right. If you push people away hard enough, yes they do eventually give up and move on. Why wouldn’t they, why would anyone stay to try to prove something you don’t believe yourself. Self-sabotage is destructive and unneeded. I know it’s hard for some black women to get that, yes there is this nice non-black man that loves you and wants to spend his life making you happy in whatever way possible and yes you deserve it. I know the black community and some black men have been feeding you lies, telling you that you’re not worthy but that’s what it is, a lie. You can be happy, productive, in a good relationship that nourishes you with someone who treasures you. It’s possible, I got it and I say this always I am not some special case. I know of many black women who have what I have it.

You deserve the absolute best for you, whatever that is. Stop sabotaging your relationships. I know many black women are reticent to believe that a non-black man would find them attractive, want to date them or especially want to marry them. I am not implying that all non-black men you meet will be the one for you but to not believe that you are deserving of love and respect of any man is just crazy. Stop trying to make humans jump through hoops of fire like dogs, yes a man must prove himself but he shouldn’t have to prove himself over and over and over again, ad nauseum, infinitum. Relax and let yourself be loved, it’s a wonderful feeling I can assure you.

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10 thoughts on “The Self-Sabotuer

  1. Pingback: Words of Wisdom from A Married Girl in a Weird World

  2. Great post!

    I’ve been thinking on this a lot lately, and I think some women either feel a strong sense of guilt over doing well (love and happiness isn’t for them) or maybe they feel so un-optimistic about their chances with something or someone that they choose the options most likely to make things fail, as if to say, “See, told you so?”

    It’s unfortunate. I’m glad you got out of that pattern of thinking. A lot of women never do.

  3. “Are you the one that thinks this relationship is just ‘too good to be true’? Do you test the limits of that poor guy seeing at what point he’ll break and just give up?”

    At first I thought this was me, then I read the rest and realized I’m not THAT bad.

    • LOL, Men proving themselves is a good thing but demanding someone jump through a hoop of fire on a daily basis is too much especially if it’s b/c of the other person’s low expectations.

  4. I sabotage myself but in a different way. I put everything before finding a relationship and then I wonder why am I alone. It’s stupid really. Sometimes I don’t know what I’m afraid of. I’m still working on me in every way possible but I’m also ready to date again. Good post Eugenia!

    • I’m just going to say, you are a beautiful woman and time is not forever. We have to make time for a relationship. I was watching a Match.com ad the other day and the woman was saying how she’s so busy, doesn’t have to meet men and I thought to myself well you don’t have time to date, if you’re so busy that you can’t get out and date, then you shouldn’t be dating. Relationships require time and men like your time as well as women liking theirs. I know women want a man’s attention but we act as if we shouldn’t give it back, I’m not saying you. But you have to make time to fall in love, you don’t have be together all the time. Although Matt and I spend much of time together but that works for us. But you have invest some time in it. You’re going to want to find balance. I know a lot of people who are ‘busy’ but not productive, busy will leave you alone. Now I want you to go forth and find the man of your dreams, you deserve it, you deserve it dammit!!!

      • Thanks Eugenia. I needed that push. Time isn’t forever and I do want to marry and have a couple rugrats…at the most! I do deserve it. I have a lot work to do. I’m thinking match or e harmony either way I’m getting started.

        • Yes ma’am you gotta make a plan and work the plan. Because if you want babies, as women we only have so long that we can do that and still be patient and energetic. You don’t want to be rushed into baby-making and not enjoy all the non-baby time where you can travel as much as you want, eat out as much as you want, have wild unbridled sex as much as you want. :-) That time to just be husband and wife is crucial.

  5. Great post. I have seen this dynamic in action. Like you said it comes from fear and distrust. This is not healthy vetting. This is testing to destruction. That works OK for products but not so good for relationships.

    There has to come a time when you meet a man when you just “are” as a couple. You just relax and enjoy each others company. You have to exhale sometime and let the poor guy do the same. Isn’t that the whole point in being with some one?

    • Yea I’ve seen it too, I’ve done it LOL. When I first Matt I really did have the compulsion to self-sabotage and specifically b/c I’d come out of such a bad marriage. My compulsion to self-sabotage was strong but I had to, yes exhale. In the first couple of months of dating him, I kept thinking ‘this cannot be true there cannot be a person this nice and great just floating out here”. So I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop, I kept waiting for him eff up. I waited, and I waited and I waited nothing happened. He stayed exactly the same, he didn’t change, he didn’t shift, no matter what happened he was steady. One day I thought, Eugenia you’re a goddamned fool just accept the man for what he is and enjoy you damn nitwit. Yes I have those kinds conversations with myself LOL. So I just. stopped, I stopped wondering was something bad going to happen b/c my ex marriage had been bad. I just accepted that I could have a good relationship with a good man and be happy to boot, who knew? It was huge weight off my shoulders.

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