Confirmation and How to Spot a Sociopath

You know I’ve been pretty open about my past marriage and I know some people may think, why would you do that, why tell about the horror of your marriage. Especially since my marriage was with a white man, why bring a black mark to interracial marriage for all the trolls to attack. First of all, hiding things is as good as lying for me, a lie of omission is still a lie. I will not be part of any lie that tells black women that white men and other non black men are your saviors and Supermen. As has been said again and again in other blogs catering to BWIR you need to vet. My non-existent vetting skills at the time I met my husband was the reason I ended up in that bad marriage. I’m not ashamed to say it, I was a fool but you know what that marriage taught me plenty. What it taught me I’m trying to pass on to other black women who are in and are moving into interracial dating. Now I must say that I put interracial dating out as an option not a solution to black women’s dating/mating woes, some black women have issues so deep even moving to the other side of the street won’t solve those but dating interracially is a wonderful option. And even though in many ways my ex-husband was a degenerate, he still was probably better than most black men out there today, because he was a degenerate with the presence of mind to marry me and give me his last name. I don’t think if I had been dating a black man that would have ever happened and he still would have been emotionally abusive. But now we come to why I wrote this blog post. I got confirmation the other day that what I’m doing by telling women about my ex-marriage and how to spot sociopaths and NPDs (narcisstic personality disorder) is a good thing and I’ll keep doing. As I study more and more about the folks who have this personality disorder it is becoming very clear to me, that more people are suffering with this psychosis than are getting treated. Last month was Domestic Violence Month and although I know that physical and verbal abuse are really prevalent, emotional abuse is also prevalent but less seen and recognized by most people. My thought is and I have nothing to back this up but a hunch that emotional abuse is going on a widespread basis, because it’s easy, hard to recognize, and doesn’t create the physical scars of physical abuse. How do you call the cops on a husband or wife that is emotionally abusing you?

But something was said about me on another blog, that had me thinking am I doing the right thing by putting my tale of my ex-marriage out there, do I hurt the cause of black women’s empowerment and interracial dating when I tell black women of my story? Here’s a portion of the comment:

You won’t ridicule your own readers “for settling”, even if their spouse is so called better in a “potato sack”. We all know your lying to yourself Eugenia. We know about previous relationship with a past rainbeau. But you steadily have advice for other black women on this blog. (Smiling)

I merely point out the hypocrisy. Eugenia “settled” right. I have seen various comments said about her by your own readers. You act like I am the only one that had strong words for her. There was cat fight where one of your readers made strong comments about Eugenia’s husband. I could tell she was a bit “rattled” by it.

This is from Beyond Black & White’s post called ‘Promoter Gal,’ Con’t; BQB Gives Insight Into Her Thinking now don’t ask me who this person is, from some of the other comments some folks knew of him. I don’t, I don’t roam the internet nor do I let fools roam my blog site so yea I just don’t do foolishness. But I guess I was an easy target, I’m quite outspoken about my marriage to Matt and my marriage to my white ex-husband, which contributed to me being married to Matt today. I learned a lot from that marriage and I share those lessons, I guess this person surmised I was somehow desperate for another white man by marrying Matt. Well, if you don’t know I wasn’t begging Matt to marry me (I wasn’t even sure I wanted to get married again) he wanted to marry me, I mean that’s what real men do they ask you to marry them, they want to be with you. He was talking marriage before I ever said two words about it. But I figure since this man seems steeped in black community dysfunction, he thinks women are all running around begging men to marry them like black community does. I don’t understand it but whatever. I certainly settled, I settled down to a nice, comfortable, loving, support and fantastic life with my now husband. But as I read this, I started to wonder if I was making BWE look bad but then I read something later in a devotional I subscribe to that confirmed to me, no Eugenia you’re doing the right thing.

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

- Lamentations 3:22-23

When I read that and the rest of the devotional about God helping us during our times of struggles, something came over me I knew I was doing the right thing by passing on the wisdom I’d gained from a hard experience. God sent me here to bless people and I don’t know who read my blog post on The Clandestine Abuser, there were only two comments but I know someone read it and if I helped one woman avoid the scenario I went through with my ex-husband, I’ve done well. My concern is not some sociopath on a blog site trying to goad women into a fight or get people to look at his little drivel that he presents on his blog, my concern is the women that come to my site especially the black women. I’m silly sometimes and I’m serious sometimes but I’m when I’m serious it’s for a reason I’m trying to pass on knowledge and wisdom to women so they can avoid some of my pitfalls. Now I was never a black woman that stopped dating black men because they done me wrong, I just was never interested black men at all so I don’t fall into the bitter category. I never spouted that white men are the end all, be all of all time. Actually I’ve done the opposite, white men are an option just like any other man but it’s up to us women to figure out whether that man is an option worth taking. I don’t hate black men, in fact, I don’t feel anything for them, I feel apathy towards a bunch of strangers as it should be. The black men I love, love me as it should be. I’ve always been reticent to wholesale tell black women to just hook up with white men and your problems will be solved. Because what I’ve seeing more and more is black women who are unable to vet hooking up with sorry white men and then being all devastated when they figure out, yes these men have feet of clay. Many black women have two issues when it comes to dating one is an ‘options’ problem, they aren’t considering all their options and the other is a vetting problem, when they do take their options they are so used to way they judged black men which is was at the lowest common denominator and they bring all those ratchet skills into interracial dating and end up with exactly what they had when they were dating mono-racial. I try to address both of those here at my blog.

Now I’m going to come to my next point of this blog, while reading the comment from above, I discerned something. This man, and I use the term loosely, is obviously a sociopath and I’ve put a profile of a sociopath on here previous in the The Clandestine Abuser post and he fits but the one thing I noticed that fit almost perfectly was due to his insult technique. Now you all know I love to insult people especially those that deserve a good insult, I take my skills at insulting folks as an artform. I don’t do it much but if you mess with the bull, you’ll get the horns with me. I never insult anyone that doesn’t deserve it but my insults are well thought out and sophisticated. Even if you’re uncomfortable with insulting people, mine strike you that an adult made them. This person made an insult towards Matt, about him not being able to dress and since he couldn’t dress I was, therefore, desperate. I thought, what the hell kind of insult is that, that’s like a teenager insulting me on how I dress. Only kids are concerned about how people dress especially in a manner trying to insult someone but I remember a quote I used in my ‘Clandestine’ post.

In my work with extreme narcissist patients I have found that their emotional age and maturity corresponds to the age they experienced their major trauma. ~After Narcissistic Abuse – There is Light, Life & Love

What this means that whenever these folks that suffer from a personality disorder had their traumatic event (and I don’t know what that is but it’s obvious this man had some kind of trauma in my earlier life) they are emotionally and developed stuck at that point. So if he had his trauma at 10, he has the emotional development of a 10 year old, if it was 16 then of a 16 year old but something happened to this person when he was young. May have been physical abuse, abandonment, molestation, I don’t know and am not really concerned but now he’s on the internet venting, trying to get internet therapy for a psychological issue he’s repressed and doesn’t want to face. That’s why if you read the rest of his post, it seems so juvenile in tone and intent. Ladies, I want you to recognize this because my ex husband did the same thing, I don’t know what happened to him but he was stuck almost at the age of 15 or 16 years old emotionally. But at the time I met him
I didn’t recognize emotional immaturity I was just 24 myself and tad immature also. It’s the reason the person above insulted my husband’s manner of dress in such a juvenile way because he is a sociopath/NPD and emotionally immature so his manner of speaking also reflects that. As time goes on, I will probably come back to speak again on sociopaths and NPDs this a subject that has really interested me because I do believe so many of these folks walk among us reeking havoc on people’s lives, trying to weld power over folks and creating victims wherever they go. They walk amongst you, not showing any signs of a personality disorder and if you don’t recognize the tell-tale signs, which can be covert, you can easily become one their victims. I want black women using their heads when they get involved with any man because you don’t want to wake up one day to discover you’ve been emotionally abused and didn’t even know it.

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19 thoughts on “Confirmation and How to Spot a Sociopath

  1. Once again I’m learning to listen to my own inner voice, learning to trust myself, keep myself grounded because ” when he sweeps me off my feet I will lose balance and he is still standing”. Dont be too desperate for a relationship that you go against the healthy self protective instincts that you possess. Do not be fooled by flattery. A npd and sociopath will get good at that because he does the same thing to a lot of other people. Just keep looking to the right places for positive reenforcements.

    • We get warnings all the time about people, my ex was an NPD and I got warnings all the time but I suppressed them. It was hard to believe that someone I loved, would wish bad for me and try to make bad things happen. It can be difficult too with NPDs b/c they are good at gaslighting you.

  2. When you live through the experience, the quickest healing is finding out these truths. I read a sociopath post on another site a while back and called a fellow survivor to share the info. It is a tremendous service to prevent, help recognize and help heal when this isnt a passed down warning to bw.
    When I read the comment about the clothes, and the “smiling”, I recognized the age trauma connection right away. Comparing notes with other survivors, the clothes are the usual tactic. The lack of originality of that statement made me wonder if they all pass around the same insult cue cards for insecure nd or sp men.

    Dirty dozens, roasting and shucking and jiving was a usual tactic of the. invisible guys with no girls,who fear being a loser and found out to be a huge fake who got teased for their clothes. s

    • As I read I learn so much, it’s scary and heartbreaking all at the same time. I’m learning much about me too. The sociopath and the NPD will be whatever it is they need to get what they want. The scariest part is everyone to them is only seen as potential victim, someone to use. They’ll use supposed friends, co-workers, partners, and even their own children. More than anything I want women to recognize it when they meet it or if they’re in a relationship with someone like this b/c as women we have a tendency to blame ourselves and that will only have us stuck in that trauma forever. The stunting of emotional development is a sure sign, I didn’t know but now I recognize it in my ex-husband.

  3. You being so open has really inspired me. I was made aware of sociopathy and narcisism when I read your post and analysis. I am so appalled as to why someone can do that to another human being and now everything is in perspective. Its really liberating when you can beleive that you are not imagining things. Of course your openness does not go on deaf ears. Thank you for sharing your experience and making another BW not doubt her suspicions but live a full and rewarding life for the future. Thank you.

    • I was glad when I got the confirmation that all the things that I thought I’d been seeing and feeling about my ex-husband were not in my head. Because yes sometimes ppl will make it out like it’s you when it’s not.

  4. Women need to start supporting each other and this is a good way to do it. I think it’s great that you are open about your past marriage. Why keep it hidden when it could provide excellent insight and maybe even save a few ladies from heartache and misery? Also, it’s not about White or Black or Martian; it’s about personality and character.

  5. Great post! Very informative with lots to think about. What you’re doing is very helpful for women. Moreover, the fact that “the person who shall remain un-named” was willing to mock the seriousness of what happened in your previous relationship reveals a level of sociopath in him.

    • I looked and realized I didn’t have your site on my blogroll. Zabeth you’ve always got wise lessons for folks out there dating IR and the un-named crazy person shall stay unnamed. My hope is I help women, this is sort of turned into a calling for me.

  6. Eugenia, your openness and honesty has helped me to continue to heal from the shame I felt for marrying a sociopath. It truly was a crazy time in my life, but I’m happier now. I had no clue about vetting back then, but today I’m proud to say that I’m a pro. Thank you for sharing such a private part of your life and being so open….you’ll never know how many women you have helped,,,,continued blessings to you.

    • Thank you Sandy, the posts I got after this blog are just confirming what I thought, that I’ve helped some folks and that’s what I want to do. I have a wicked sense of humor and like to make people laugh but I also know I’ve been through some serious things and so have others and want to speak on those. I’m reading some books on emotional abuse and NPDs and I’ll have an ongoing series I’m starting next week on those subjects. I’m so thankful you escaped your tormentor and are now living a full life away from him but I want to shed more light on this b/c I think many people are being tormented and don’t even know it. I hope you come back and check it out.

  7. Great post. You know I’m always appreciative that you’ve been so open about your past marriage and your ex, and you’ve also provided lots of inspiration to folks that one can find love the second time around… and that the second definitely can be better than the first!

    As for Mr. Troll, Toni is right… he’s been around for a few years stalking blogs… which tells you something right there. I don’t spend one second of time on blogs that have content I find anti-BW or that is disagreeable to me for other reasons, so it’s quite telling that these trolls are so obsessed with what BW are doing that they spend their every waking hour trolling blogs and leaving comments (99% of which get rejected behind the scenes).

    And anyone who insults someone’s husband for superficial things like what they’re wearing or other things that have nothing to do with his character… well, that tells you where that person’s mind is and how “simple” it is. I guess swag is supposed to rule over everything else though, huh… yah, okay…

    • God lord for years, wow how much of a miserable human being do you have to be to go around harassing folks who don’t give a hell about you for years. That’s crazy obsessive. I’m with you, I stay away from spots that have nothing positive to add to my life, I have enough trying to keep up with the regular standard drama of life, why bring extra drama into for no reason. But you know what Bunny, that’s what many bm think is important younger and older ones, they have to have swag, no job, no credit, no car, no place to stay, no future plans, a bunch of baby mamas but if they dress well the ‘bitches’ should be falling all over them. Good gravy, the bc is bizzaro world.

  8. who is this rass??? Excuse my language…… I cannot abide the ignorance of people..I just can’t.

    You have always been upfront,since the day I met you.

    • Screw that jerk, I’m doing what God needs for me to do, tell the truth in love. I’m blessed I can do that and help black women, I may not know all those I help but whatever I do I feel good about. My mess became a message what more can I ask for, that out of something so bad, something good has come from it. Now I’m going to watch ‘New Moon’ with the hubby. Jacob!!! LOL!!!

  9. I’m glad you’re open about your relationship as you’re speaking from a place of experience, and earnestly warning other women to avoid falling into a similar situation; you’re speaking from a place of love.

    The troll in question is a known attention whore desperate to get traffic to his pathetic corner of the internet (I’ve never been there, never intend to), and will say anything to get some sort of rise out of people.

    The truth is, the fact that he was spending the holidays making petty insults and faulty observations on BWE sites suggests that this is a man who has little or nothing going for him.

    Don’t worry about him or his ilk. You just keep being an awesome inspiration. :)

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