I know I’m supposed to taking time off but I had to write this one. Last night I had the dream, if you’ve been married and are getting married you may have had it to. It’s the one where everything that could possibly go wrong with your wedding does. Matt had one about a month or two ago. I had mine last night, our dreams weren’t the same but the theme was…the wedding goes disastrous. Mine last night had me tossing and turning. The big theme was I couldn’t find Matt and when I did he was late and not prepared then he started to say he wasn’t coming. OMG, that dream was horrible really it was a nightmare. I woke up this morning in a little state of panic. I know he’s not going anywhere, but I am just all of a sudden very nervous. I am nervous about this wedding. I didn’t have a dream like this before my first marriage, maybe if I had I would have re-thought marrying him. But I know it’s just nerves, last night as I sat and watched late night television this overwhelming feeling of nervousness came over me. Now I suffer from panic and anxiety but this wasn’t that feeling all of sudden the butterflies in my stomach just fluttered up, big time. I think it’s because this wedding is so close, less than 2 weeks, so it’s probably natural to feel this nervous. I don’t remember feeling this nervous my first marriage, maybe I am now because I care and love Matt so much I want everything for our wedding and our marriage to go great. I sometimes get nervous about disappointing people, I hate to do that especially to people I love. So it’s probably a good thing I’m nervous. I told him about it today as we were in line at Snohomish County Administration Building getting the marriage license. It was sweet he looked so concerned, he started to ask me if I was okay and if I was worried about him or the wedding or getting married again. I reassured him I was not nervous about him, the wedding or getting married again, just all this stuff happening I think my nerves have kicked in. So maybe it’s actually something is telling me it’s time for a massage, yea that’s it.
Well with 13 days till the wedding. I am taking a much needed rest from blogging and conversating on the internet. You may see me every once in awhile giving an opinion but I intend on relaxing till this shindig takes place (I’ve the next three weeks off) and definitely being unplugged while on my honeymoon in Troutdale, Oregon. I’ll come back with news of the wedding and hopefully some great photos of our road trip to the honeymoon. Oh yea and I gotta write these vows.
Everybody stay well, relaxed and happy.
Now that I’ve rid my blog of unecessary clutter and trash talk. I can get back t doing what I do best, talking about stuff I want to talk about. Movies are something I haven’t written on in awhile. I do love movies but not just any movie, I’m real particular about the movies and genres I love and gangster movies is one of them. Don’t ask me why as I girl I love gangster movies, maybe it’s my aggressive nature that needs a little violent release so I don’t nuclear on people on a daily basis. There is nothing like the bad ass gangster movie, the guy that you should love to hate because he’s ruthless and sociopathic but really you secretly love and hope for his escape. I do love Al Pacino, I am and will always be a Al Pacino fan. He doesn’t really do any bad movies just less successful ones. My favorite movie with Al Pacino is ‘Scarface‘, now if you’ve never seen ‘Scarface’ shame on you. What the hell is wrong with you? Have you been living under a rock or something? It’s brilliant from start to finish, the first time I saw this movie was on a really crappy copy of a VHS so every 5 minutes or so the movie would go all snowy for 30 seconds then come back. It was annoying as all get out but I sat staring at the movie with rapt attention it was so good. Matt and I love this movie so much we each own a 30 year anniversary edition of it and for his birthday last year I had a Scarface poster framed for him and it’s hanging over our television. Yes we are Tony Montana fans. Story is simple Cuban criminal refugee comes to America, becomes a cocaine crimelord and reeks havoc all over the streets and the people he supposedly loves in his quest for power. Best of all he goes out like a soldier. If you haven’t seen it, you better go out right now and rent it to watch and don’t look away you’ll be glad you didn’t.
You know I’m going to have do another one these for this blog, I had to do it on my previous blog because sometimes people get out of pocket. The best I can tell people is, well it’s a bad idea to get out of pocket with me. I’m really a peace loving person with a generally relaxed nature but I can and will be very aggressive if I need be. I got a comment today from someone who took their importance in my life and blog to the next level and I had to let them know that I am NOT interested in getting in a blog fight with someone. I’m a grown ass woman and I don’t do the high school pissy chick game thing. I’m not looking for readership and not looking to gain fans. So let’s just say this, they’ve been told it’s now over. We all can move on. But I need to say what my blog is about so you know what to do when you step into my home. This is a piece from a previous blog posts I did on my old blog about being germane. I think it’s apropos for this blog too.
This blog is:a space for me to talk about crazy stuff I see in life
a space to promote IR dating and relationships
a space to talk about the woes of wedding planning
a space to ogle really fine men
a space to be a little silly
a space to speak of the love and pride I have in my family and you in yours
a space to help women heal, overcome, and be more powerful
a space to sometimes let people cry on your shoulder or kick you in the pants if you need it, that goes for me sometimes too
a space to talk about my love of everything that is television
a space to share some of my new adventures (I’m snowboarding soon)
a space to try to motivate people to do better and be different, it’s a good thing
a space for me to tell a little about what I think is so special about my fiancee, Matt. I promise I won’t make you upchuck. LOL.
This blog is not:
a space where I or anyone else will villify or deify any man (there are lots of blogs that do that, if you want to participate in that go there)
a space where people will be promoting their own agendas, this is my blog any agenda promoting will be done by me, if you want to promote an agenda either pay me or get your own blog
a space where people will be disrespecting others, any disrespecting will be done by me and if I do you deserve it
a space where people are patronized. I hate pandering to people or people pandering to me it’s an insult and treats people as if they are stupid
a space where I’m teaching IR for beginners, I’m old hat at interracial dating if you have issues, still haven’t gained confidence, can’t speak correctly, don’t know your worth, trying to break out of the hood or collective or matrix or whatever I am not the blog for you. I’ve been an independent-thinker and promoting my own self-interest for a long time. Also my mother taught me how to speak correctly, carry myself as a lady and with decorum (although don’t do it all the time LOL), carry on a conversation with anyone, make people feel comfortable, use all the utensils on the table correctly, and be adaptable as a child. Sorry I’m ahead of some people but I just am.
a space, most definitely, that I am trying to promote myself as a savior for grown black women, worthy of worship and ass-kissing because I got a date and they don’t.
Stuff up for grabs is done at my discretion.
I certainly welcome people to participate in my blog within these boundaries. I don’t think it’s asking much. That’s it. I’m done. Period.
You know as a person we always have a choice of what we want to participate in. I don’t have to participate in anything unless I elect to do so. As I was reading another blog today about black women and natural hair a comment stuck out to me. A commenter was saying that black women could not see their hair as just hair because of x, y, and z or whatever reasons people come up with to try to force people to participate in their madness. I commented as well as someone else, that yes you could choose to see your hair as just hair as a black woman if you made that choice. You know I don’t have to participate in anything or any scenario. I don’t have to explain or try to attempt to make people understand any choice I make in my life. This is my life, I take the hits and I take the rewards of it and I do the work in it. Really I have decided not to participate in a lot of things because I just don’t want to. I have decided not to:
- be in competition with other women
- participate in the recession
- explain my hair choice to anyone, it’s relaxed it’s my hair and my business
- try to get people to understand why I’ve dated non-black men all my life
- explain why I am a Christian
- be a part of any the supposed ‘black community’s’ nonsense
- explain my belief that self-interest equals self-love
As the wedding date approaches, we have 17 days till the festivities, I am relaxing. My summer quarter of school is almost over and this week is finals. This may or may not surprise you but I’m not the girl that dreamed about her wedding. It wasn’t that I never thought I would have one, it just I had other stuff on my mind. Really I’m not that girl, I don’t like giving or hosting parties or getting too fancied up. I hate planning things like this, I even hate telling other people how to plan them. So when we decided to get married I was pulling for the courthouse wedding, I’m practical. Weddings cost money and I personally thought that money could be put to better use on a honeymoon and some couples massages.
This summer I’ve been more busy than I planned, I’ve been teaching four classes a week instead of my usual two and getting things done for the wedding. I’ve got my dress, Matt has his suit, we have our flowers (my bouquet and his boutonniere), we have had pre-marriage counseling (best idea ever if you’re getting married do it), booked a church (easy since we belong to a church) and picked a spot to have reception dinner. I have decided to calm myself the rest of these days. I will be enjoying the sun, laughing, relaxing, getting a facial, having some hair pulled from strategic places, and getting my nails and feet done. Our wedding is small, no attendants, just Matt and I, our pastor but we are writing our own vows. Really that’s the only part I’m a tad nervous about I want to tell him how much he means in those vows, so I’ll be practicing really hard and long. Other than that, I’m just moseying around doing nothing. I kept this wedding simple because I kept getting nervous I would go Bridezilla on someone, stress can make me mean and hard to handle. So no stress and my aggressive nature stays in check. I’m taking my niece to shop for a dress and shoes for the wedding this weekend. I don’t have kids so it’s nice sometimes to spoil those that my siblings have and we can afford to do it. So the wedding approaches and I’m looking forward to the day. It certainly isn’t every girl’s dream wedding but it certainly is mine.
Last week was my bachelorette party with some of my female family and friends. I so enjoyed it, so much I paid for a little. But we had a good time ogling some Chippendales dancers at the Tulalip Casino, screaming our heads off, and two-fisting vodka drinks. It was awesome. As the time draws near for our wedding, I think a lot about Matt as my future husband and how absolutely thrilled and over the moon I am about it. You may not realize but I’m practical romantic, although I adore romance and do it well I’m also really practical so in my blog post Marriage is Excellent for Practical Reasons Too I tell some of the practical reasons I’m marrying this man. But there are other more emotional and personal reasons I love him and am excited about being his wife and he my husband.
Matt, really is the perfect man for me. He was born the day after me so our personalities are quite similar but there are things that he possesses that just make me love him like the dickens. I’m not the calm type, in fact, I can be very tempremental when I want to be but he’s got such an easy-going mellow personality, it calms when I’m in a dither. Which is more than I’m willing to admit. We are alike in many ways, we both like sleep and lots of it. We both like to chill and lots of it. I like to travel more than him but he’s more open to new experiences than me. He is compassionate, sweet, sexy, surprisingly wickedly funny, nice to strangers and babies, really talkative and very quiet and contemplative sometimes, smart as a damn whip, concerned, a family man, generous to a fault, accommodating, gentle but strong, he is a man’s man in the most gentle way and he’s my man. He loves everything about me, my sense of humor, my passion, my ever working mind, my bubble butt, my smile, and my round tummy. He thinks I’m perfection and says it often. I think he’s perfection and I say it often. God gave him as a gift and I try never to forget that, Matt is a gift and I try my best to treat him as such. He gives so much to me, I sometimes think I’m not giving enough but he always thinks I’m doing too much. You certainly can’t out-give God but Matt and I try to out-give one another. What I’ve found is the more I give, the more he gives, giving to him never dries me out it just replenishes my love.
The first thing I noticed about him when we met were his eyes, they were an odd shade of blue and a little mesmerizing. I had to frequently look away because I felt like he was going to hypnotize me. Then his hands, I know it’s weird but he has the biggest hands I’ve ever seen on a man, they’re like baseball mitts. When he makes a fist it’s about the size of a small cantaloupe. He doesn’t get mad often but when he does I usually know to stop whatever I’m doing, it’s not a good thing. He’s never touched or harmed me and never would but seeing him angry makes me sad. I don’t want him to be angry or sad, he’s such a wonderful person he doesn’t deserve that. I can’t stay mad at him for more than 2 minutes, he gives me those puppy dog eyes and I’m done for and I can usually stay mad a long time. But he’s never malicious, maybe sometimes he didn’t think but it’s never done out of harm to me. I love him too death. I don’t know what I’d do if he wasn’t in my life, I don’t really like the thought. I’ve been married before and it was a tough marriage but I find the idea of marrying Matt so natural, so comfortable, not rushed, not pushed, like this what is supposed to happen. I’m not anxious about him or this marriage, I’m unbelievably excited. I could care less about the wedding, I’m just ready to be married to him, I’m just ready to be his wife. I don’t know what people think when they see this tall, big white man and this slightly smaller black woman together. I hope they think, ‘gosh, they look so in love, they look so happy together’. But if they don’t, it’s okay. We know we’re in love, we know we’re happy together and that is the only thing that matters at this or any other moment. Love you, Mattie!
Okay, I’ve officially moved over to WordPress, I kept hearing such outstanding things about it. So why not now when I’m about to make other changes in my life including my name and marital status. So the long time blog Single Girl in a Weird World has become Married Girl in a Weird World. It will be the same smart ass, snarky, dry, black humor, and weird effing observations that I have about this odd planet we live on. Including my own beloved hometown, Seattle, Washington. So don’t go away. I’m starting it off with the last post from my previous blog, well because I don’t want to think you’re lost. So enjoy!