Lawd Have Mercy, He Hot!-Harry Connick Jr.

Ah the return of one of my favorite regular post, it’s been a long time. For those of you who just joined me, I used to have a blog called ‘Single Girl in a Weird World’ on blogger, although it’s still up I don’t post on it anymore.

But that’s an aside, on that blog I had this post as a regular ongoing one where I celebrate all the hot men or men that I think are hot in the world of stars. Now I have electic tastes but this week I’m taking it classic. I’m doing this in celebration of my marriage and the fact that I love this man’s music, it’s so romantic and timeless. Yes the man himself is so handsome and hot it’s just ludicrious no man should be this good looking and he don’t seem to age. I love his music, I love the classics and he’s such a fabulous piano player with a voice like silk. Good looking and a good singer, his wife is so lucky. I’m going to say something that I’m not really sure if I should hold shame about or not during the tragedy known as Hurricane Katrina, this man who is a New Orleans native himself, came to help. He went out a little boat to try to help people still stuck in their homes. He found a old elderly man, the man had to be in his 80s or 90s just laid on a porch naked because it was so hot. It can get stiflingly hot during a hurricane. He got out of his boat, went to old man’s porch, took his shirt off, gave it to man to cover himself and carried the little old man to his boat. He had some of those rubber hip wader boats and his chest and arms were exposed and he was just cut, he was so fine. And I’m ashamed to say I wasn’t thinking ‘oh he’s such a wonderful humanitarian for helping that man’, I was thinking ‘damn he fine, he look like he been working out’. Shame on me, for shame on me. But he was hot and even when I see footage of that event or a photo I’m still awed by his hotness first. What can I say, I’m visual and for all the other visual ladies here is he is, the one, the only, the smooth crooner, jazz piano man and pretty good damn actor, Harry Connick Jr. He has some nice ass lips too.




You Know I Do Have Some Photos

I know people have been wondering about photos and I do have some just not alot. My best friend who is a photographer took the pictures and put some up on Facebook. I personally love them just haven’t had the opportunity to share them. Now she took 300 photos and when I get the chance I have to go by her place and look through them. This week I’m just trying to get acclimated to being back and I’m working again so it’s been a bit of dazed week for me. But here are the few that I have and when I say I mean like…four. I hope you like them she’s an awesome photographer.

This is so funny, Matt told me later that he his mouth was so dry after the wedding he had a hard time smiling. He’s really nervous he didn’t smile in photos but he looks fine to me. That is the only suit he owns LOL.

This is me and my niece Olivia, my brother and sister in law’s little girl. Isn’t she a cutie. I adore all my nieces, they are beautiful. With my marriage to Matt I know have six nieces, up from four.

This is my best friend, Latonya’s, mom she was in town visiting and helping me put on my wedding dress. My mom couldn’t help she has a boot on her leg for a nerve condition she’s had in her feet for awhile so LaTonya’s mom was a great help. She’s like a second mom to me also. My boobs look fantastic in this photo, I know it’s odd but I noticed.

And me and my new husband in a wonderful kiss. I love this photo, I’m thinking of a good way of displaying this on my wall.

Well, there you go so far, so good. When I get more I’ll show them off. Hope you like what you’ve seen so far.

And here are some more…

That’s my mom, me, Matt, and his mom and dad my new in-laws. All in for a family photo. Matt looks a lot like his mom.

And of course, me, Matt, Olivia, my friend’s son Kenny, my mom and my little brother, Edward he walked me down the aisle since my dad isn’t here to do it. I did do a photo collage of my dad as a way to honor his memory, it was very sweet. I have two older brothers, my middle brother is suffering under the recession and just couldn’t make it (a kid in college and one in high school is not cheap), I was sad but we’ll see him, my sister in law and niece and nephew soon. My oldest brother going through some kind of mid-life crisis and I can’t deal with his drama right now.



This is us and all the nieces and nephews from right to left, Princess Olivia, Lou the Athlete, Charlie the Brainiac, Katelynn the Diva and Kenny as Mr. Moody LOL.

Matt and I at the altar with our Pastor, David Aaron Johnson well call him Pastor David.

Okay, so far that’s it. I’ll see what else she gives me, I’m going to see this week so I should be getting quite a few soon. Be back with an update or at least, a part two.

The Swirl Update-Pacific Northwest Edition

Breaking News Bulletin straight from your girl in a wierd world in the PNW, it’s the Swirl Update. Yes, Eugenia Berg, here to let you know what’s happening in the world of the swirl dater and mater in the PNW. The big news is it’s busting out all over for black women who are into swirl dating. Even I, a seasoned swirler, have been astounded at my recent discovery of black women of every ilk, shade, size, shape, and hair texture out and about with their non black male beaus. Hey what can I say, it’s happening. For a place that is one of the U.S. hub’s of interracial dating, this is a surprise even for me.

I must say that I cannot tell you of a day within recent months that I have not at least seen one couple, if not more, with a black woman and non black man. When I first moved here in 1992 most of the swirling I saw conisted of black men with non black women. But nowadays, I rarely see a black man and non black woman couple except for those I already know. The black women I see out and about with men of many races are always different it’s not always the same couple. I live close to the north part of King County, just over that county line in Snohomish County. My town is a small suburb and we rent an apartment here, I’m out and about most days, since I only work part time, doing errands, shopping, and just generally taking care of business. I must say I see black women everywhere with mostly white men but some other races, some women are young, some are older, some are middle aged. I see them with and without kids or a woman in the late stages of pregnancy as her partner helps her along. This part of the country ain’t new to swirling but really my thought had always been this was place with some die-hard ‘nothing but a brotha’ black women. Well I guess that has changed, I guess beautiful, vibrant, intelligent, sexy black women are tired of sitting at home on Saturday nights chomping on ice cream, watching ‘Love Jones’, or praying for God to send them their prince (when God is saying get off your ass and get out of the house, he’s out there but you have to meet him. You know He has a part and you have a part in the love game) or wishing for black men to find them worthy of loving and dating/marrying. While Matt and I were on our honeymoon at McMenimin’s Edgefield in Oregon there were four other black woman/white man couples at that hotel. It’s not a big hotel/resort that’s a lot and in fact all the black women I saw there were with white males. On our mini-road trip to Canon Beach (the whitest middle age beach town ever) we came across two other black woman and white man couples also the only black women we saw in that town. Really at that point, I dang near bought the farm I was overtaken with astonishment I hope I didn’t look weird when I saw them, I always try to smile. I don’t know about the rest of the country but if you can stand the gray skies and occasional rain that feels like someone is spitting on you and if you have a notion to get your move on, I’d say hustle your brown sugar on up here before all the good ones are gone.

That’s all folks!

Marriage is Excellent for Practical Reasons Too

Today I am participating in the movement called No Wedding, No Womb created and nurtured by Christelyn Karazin of the blog Beyond, Black and White. I along with hundreds of other bloggers want an end to the rampant expansion of out of wedlock births in the black community which stands at over 70 percent currently. I am not instructing people what they need to do with their lives but I am saying that as black women and men we need to think of the consequences of our actions when we decide that the nuclear family has no place among us who are black people. We can and we must turn this around, all our futures depend on it. 

I am a most practical, pragmatic person and have always been. Even as a child I liked to weigh my options to figure out which worked best for me. I think about things before I do them most of the time, the only thing I may not be practical with is shopping. Which means shopping can get me in trouble so now I use this test, I pick up what I desire then put it down and walk away for about 10 to 15 minutes if I really have a desire for it I go back and get it, if not I push on. It’s resulted in really decreasing my impractical, emotional spending. I want to talk today about my practical reasoning regarding marriage. I’ve heard people say before that they don’t need to marry their significant other, that is true there is no NEED to do anything but be born and die. Everything in between is pretty optional but there are practical reasons for marriage. I certainly love my husband Matt; in fact I adore him more than I’ve adored any man in my life. We have a beautiful relationship full of fun, peace, joy, intimacy, and goodness. Even as I write this blog he’s sending me funny and sexy texts while he works, it’s the best relationship for both of us. And although there was no emotional reason for us to get married besides we loved each other and wanted to spend our lives together. There were tons of practical ones for both of us.

Now when he asked me to marry him in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico on vacation last summer I’m sure he wasn’t thinking of those practicalities, neither was I. I just knew that I loved this man and I wanted to spend the rest of my life enhancing his happiness and being his wife. But as time goes on, I find that there are tons of practical reasons for us to marry. I know marriage isn’t for everyone, it just isn’t. I’m not trying to argue that point. I’m trying to say for all of those folks who feel that co-habitating is the same as marriage well; I’m here to tell you that’s not true, not even close to true. During summer quarter this year I taught a family law class in paralegal studies and as part of my class I learned quite a lot about marriage and some of its wonderful practical benefits. I’m not talking about emotionally or mentally, I’m talking legally. My practical mind and body want to be protected and marriage affords the men, women and children of those unions’ lots of protections. In fact according to the General Accounting Office of the United States marriage has over 1,000 duties, rights, and protections. That is a lot. Living together doesn’t get you half of those even with a cohabitation agreement (yes they do exist) you can’t get all the things you can get with marriage automatically. Really I think in practical terms having those over 1,000 protections for the $62 you pay for a marriage license in my town is much easier than hiring lawyers for $250 an hour to haggle out a contract with someone you’re living with and you still don’t get as much. Many people point to common law marriage and that’s true, common law marriage still exists and unlike what many people believe those jurisdictions that recognize it have no time limit regarding when it begins but there may be documents that need to filled out before the state recognizes the common law marriage. But the number of jurisdictions that recognize common law marriage is only 9 (Alabama, Colorado, Iowa, Montana, New Hampshire, Oklahoma, Rhode Island, Texas, Utah and District of Columbia) and the federal government may not recognize it in some cases. So any benefits that a married person gets under federal law, people in common law marriages may not receive. It’s called federalism. When I extol the practical virtues of marriage it’s not because I want people who I may feel are living in sin to not live in sin. Not at all, it’s because I want people to know, especially women who are bearing a lot of the brunt of living with and playing wife to a man who can get up and get out of Dodge any time he sees fit and leave her with kids and debt, they need to think of their own protection and futures. I have a scenario from my text book Family Law for the Paralegal: Concepts and Applications by Mary E. Wilson which kind of sums what I mean in practical terms that marriage is deeper than just emotion and the supposed ‘piece of paper’ people seem to want to rail against all the time.

Imagine having lived with a man for five years in a committed, monogamous relationship that you both intend to ‘last forever’. Imagine going to pick him up at an airport and being greeted by airline personnel who advise you that he experienced a heart attack midair and is being rushed to a hospital emergency room. You race to the hospital and the first question you are asked is ‘Are you a family member?’ And that is only the beginning of a series of painful events with devastating consequences. You cannot be admitted to see him in intensive care (even worse his family hates your guts and won’t allow you to see him). You cannot be advised of his condition due to federal privacy regulations, and you cannot consent to his medical treatment, although you know his wishes. You cannot write checks on his bank account to pay his obligations. If he dies, you have no say in the funeral and burial arrangements, and yet only you know what he would want. You cannot enter the home where you lived together, because when it was purchased by the two of you, if was put in his name only. You cannot access his safety deposit box, even though you have valuable personal property in it. You cannot inherit through him if he dies without a will, because you have no legally recognized interest in his estate. The two of you are, in effect, are legal strangers. (Wilson, pp. 118-19)

When I read that scenario I thought about my own marriage and in practical terms how it protects both Matt and I. Why do people think gay people want the right to marry so bad, they want the benefits that go along with it. That scenario above is scary but it’s true in the case of cohabitation and I don’t want people to fool themselves into thinking it’s the same as marriage, IT IS NOT. I’m not pushing marriage for anyone who doesn’t want to do it; I’m just putting the facts out there so you know what you’re getting yourself into possibly. Now in most of those above cases you could have done something legally that may have protected you as one of the cohabitation entities. But with my little piece of paper in the above case, it looks like this.

  • As the wife when I show up to the hospital I am immediately told of my husband’s condition.
  • I make all the decisions regarding his care with no interference from his family if I choose.
  • I have access to his bank account and safe deposit box as per the law.
  • I have full and final say in his burial arrangements.
  • In my state it’s community property so I automatically get to stay in our home and it’s transferred into my name automatically by survivorship rights, no spouse can buy property in this state alone unless the other spouse signs a waiver.
  • Even without a will Uniform Probate Code gives me the right to be first in line for any of his estate and essentially I get everything.

Now you could go to the lawyer and have medical directives made, agreements done, and wills made out (which most people don’t do anyway) and pay him a couple of thousand bucks to do it. But you still won’t be as protected as me automatically as a legal spouse for only $62 bucks. In practical terms, that makes sense to me. We can argue all we want whether this is fair or not, that’s not the point, this is what it is right now. I’ll take this deal any day and because I love him so much I’m more than glad to take it. Although I don’t ever think of divorcing him I have divorced someone and even then I was more protected, more than just the ‘see ya, wouldn’t want to be ya!’ scenario of some couples who are living together. It’s something to contemplate.

”"No Wedding No Womb needs your help! We are in urgent need for seed money for the “Map Your Future” campaign, the first online, remoter mentorship platform for at-risk teens and young adults. Please help us meet our minimum goals to build the digital platform by clicking here.

The Name Dilemma-Part Duex

Well I made a decision finally about my name and I think it’s a good one. I decided to go all in and just completely change my name to Eugenia Berg. I like it, it fits, it feels right. It was more of a dilemma than I thought but when I think of Matt, I think being his wife is an honor as he thinks being my husband is one. And there is no better way to me than to honor him by taking his name, yes this means I have a lot of work to do to get things changed. But today I did a lot of running around to the Social Security Administration, Snohomish County Administration and Washington DOL and really after my suffering at the DOL I think I should at least get dinner and flowers. But the big parts have been done, so now it’s time for the little stuff although the process to change your passport is enough to just make you cry. Gee willikers! But it will get done, if there’s anything Eugenia Berg knows is that business comes first, it’s just my motto. So now that I am officially Mrs. Eugenia Berg I think I’ll go around and introduce myself to more people. I don’t look like a Berg but by golly I am now! Berg means mountain, so now I’m Perfect Mountain, I think I like that!


Ahh…Honeymoon Bliss

Well as you know last weekend I got married for a 2nd time, but that’s another story. This story is the week after the marriage when Matt and I jaunted down to Oregon for our Honeymoon, really what can I say I really do love Oregon. It’s beautiful, calm, friendly and has no sales tax what else could you want from a state. I think often about packing up and moving down to Portland but Matt and I have decided to revisit the ‘Portland question’ in about five years. But for now, I’ll tell you about the honeymoon that, to tell the truth, I’m still kind of on at least I still got the high. It’s wonderful spending time with my new husband, Matt and I are best friends and enjoy each other’s company immensely so it’s nice to have all to myself for a little while. Now I’m going to tell you this whole post might make you lurch with all the lovey-doveyness but really too bad, I deserved this after some of the hellish relationships I’ve been in from the past. So get your barf bags and enjoy.

Day 1: We head out of Seattle, our trip was a road trip for one reason we wanted to save money we are planning on buying new furniture this Fall season but also we just love road trips, why fly somewhere when you live in the most beautiful spot on earth almost the Pacific Northwest. Matt drives, although his driving drives me a little batty (he drives the speed limit, yeesh) I always let him drive, that way I don’t end up with a ticket for going 90 in a 70 mph zone. We arrive at our destination, McMenamin’s Edgefield Hotel and Resort in Troutdale, a little suburb of Portland. McMenamin’s is a Oregon brewery and they also have a few very quirky and unique hotels in Oregon and one in Washington. Oregon is a beer drinkers and brewers paradise, it’s top five in the United States in number of breweries, another unique fact next to Vegas, Portland has the second highest number of strip clubs in the country. Odd hmm. We settle in and go out on the outer terrace to enjoy cold beer and some very delicious hummus.


That evening we enjoyed ourselves in the soaking pool on the premises.

Day 2: Time to awaken to a beautiful day as husband and wife, Matt is up rather early which is surprising for him he’s a sleeper and so am I but he’s up and off to get breakfast and coffee and read the paper alone. Once I rouse myself, we’re off on a journey to mall in Portland Matt feels as if he’s not brought enough polo-like shirts so we decide to go find some, we do for a good price then we head into Portland for Mexican food, for some odd reason I’d been craving Mexican food for a week so we had some along with a cold beer for the hubby and a Margarita with salt around the glass for me. We also go up in the hills to visit the Pittock Mansion, Henry Pittock was the started, edited and owned the Oregonian newspaper. The house was gorgeous but by today’s standards would have not been considered a mansion by any means.

There are times we aren’t drinking during this trip but they are minimal, we had a good time.

I really adore this portrait of Lucy Pittock, she looks so relaxed and nonchalant if I ever have a photo painted of myself I want that kind of aura on it. She really is chilling in that picture.

That evening we chilled in the soaking pool and drank cold beer.

Day 3: We decided to take a mini-road trip on our road trip to Canon Beach and Seaside, OR which are about an hour and 50 minutes away from Portland. In Canon Beach we had lunch and walked on the beach and took photos of all the great haystacks coming out of the water. Seaside we just strolled and shopped. It doesn’t take much either Matt or myself to be entertained, we’re quite content people just doing a little bit of nothing as long as we’re together.


The incredible part is we had the most fabulous weather all week, this is some of the best weather we’ve had up here all summer long. And that evening we Popeye’s for dinner and chilled in the room and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation on my iPhone on Netflix.

Day 4: We took another trip but this time we headed east to Hood River, we had lunch at Full Sail Brewery they make some awesome beer. We watched folks kite surf on the Columbia River, it’s pretty dang windy out there and oohh and ahhed all the beauty Oregon has to offer. I’m a nature baby, it turns me on.

We couldn’t make up our minds on what we wanted so we got a beer taster with 7 little beers and tasted them, I choose the LTD 03, Matt had the Wassail.

Isn’t the most incredible damn view, the Columbia Rivers runs through Washington into Oregon and out to Pacific Ocean, it’s a mighty river.


That evening we drank beer and hung out at soaking pool, well really I drank Mojitos made with this incredible tea instead of soda.

Day 5: Our last day we had a couples massage and just relaxed as we realized the next day we’d be headed home and back to the grind. We both had enjoyed ourselves immensely, you can’t put a price on spending time with the one you love and being blissful and happy about it. We don’t fight much and when we do the arguments are so minor. I love spending time with Matt and this honeymoon just made me fall in love with him all over again. We had really intimate wonderful dinner our final night at the Black Rabbit Restaurant, I had the most incredible caprese salad good lord I almost died after that delicious salad I really could have it was so good.

Day 6: On our way back to Seattle.

It was a honeymoon I will never ever forget.

Some of the art on the hotel walls, told you it was quirky.

He’s such a handsome man, my hubby!

The gray skies of home, back in Seattle.




The Name Dilemma

Well today I come back to my blog as a married woman and make it worthy of the moniker ‘Married Girl in a Weird World’ you know what, it’s odd now that I am married I have lots of business to take care of. As you leave for the honeymoon you sometimes forget when you get back, there are things waiting for you. My first point of business is the name, now if you don’t know, and I’m sure a bunch of men don’t understand, changing your name is not easy, not easy at all. As you think of all the things you’re going to need to change your name the list becomes a little over-bearing especially since you have to do this one by one with each entity in the United States. Now I’ve had my maiden name since my marriage to my ex-husband and even after the divorce I decided not to change my name, it was just too much damn work but now that I’ve joined my life with Matt, I really want and desire to change my name. I’ll be glad to be rid of my ex-husband’s to tell the truth. But here is where the dilemma comes in what should I change my name to?

With my ex-husband my name was hyphenated and in a subconscious way I think I did that because from the beginning there was something in me that didn’t want to be attached to him so completely. Also I hated the sound of his last name, it just did not go with mine. Not many things go with Eugenia but my maiden name previous to him fit perfectly, saying my first, middle, and last name together just flowed. Now that I’ve married Matt, I just am not so sure about what I want to do about his name, he’s got a nice last name, very short, easy to remember, easy to spell and not too bad when attached to my name. Now I’m not having this dilemma because I want to keep my last name for some lame stuff like being independent, uh no, if I wanted my independence I’d still be single. I find nothing wrong or weak about depending on the person who you have partnered your life with, that’s what is supposed to happen. No, it really is because I love my maiden name and am just having a hard time letting it go. I’ve been trying both variations of the name on last week during the honeymoon and what is making it even more difficult is they both sound good and have advantages to each of them. But no matter what I do, I’ll still have to go to all these departments, businesses and government entities and change my name so the work won’t change, just my name will. I guess I’ll be back to give an update on what I do and how those whole name change thing goes for me, wish me luck and for a speedy process in the name change thing.

“The White Alliance”

You know I’m actually supposed to be taking a break from blogging but so many interesting things have transpired I can’t help myself. One of those interesting things is ‘The White Alliance’ now don’t get worried it’s not a new white supremacist group but it is a pretty nefarious name to call yourselves on a dating show with a black woman as the prize. The Ultimate Merger is a show on TV One in which once upon a time contestant on America’s Next Top Model, Toccara Jones, chooses between 14 guys vying for her love and affection. Now I just recently started watching the show and I must say it’s easy for me to get hooked on reality shows, I’m like a toddler with shiny stuff when it comes to those shows. So when I started to watch it, I thought it was interesting and might be fun. Tocarra is not your average stick thin model type although she models, she’s a girl with a figure definitely in shape but she’s no size zero. There were four non-black men on the show of the 14 guys, one was Japanese and like many Asian men very subdued and like many black women she was looking for more swag but he seemed nice but he was gone early.

The remaining three non-black men were white Sebastian, Chris and Nick. Really out of the three only Nick seemed like he might have a chance although he was kind of young, 23 years old. In the last couple of weeks Sebastian had been eliminated from the ranks. Last week something strange happened, the last two white guys Chris and Nick told the other 4 black guys remaining about this thing they were doing as what seemed like a bad joke to me called the ‘White Alliance’ Sebastian had started it with them. Seeing as they were the only white guys they had this ‘inside’ thing where they would make these hand signal of a W and an A to indicate white alliance. Why they did this, I’ll never understand. Young men are stupid to say the least but what they thought would be seen as a joke by everyone in the house was seen as huge affront to the black guys, racism even. With folks implying they couldn’t sleep in the same house with them as they felt their lives were in danger, yea right. Now really my thoughts on it being racist are like ‘whatever’ if they were really racist they would have never told the black guys about the white alliance in the first place. I chalked it up to more of being stupid and inappropriate and also the two of them not having ever dated a black woman especially a woman like Toccara who has never dated a white man. She’s already skittish the last thing you need to do is be stupid and form a white alliance among these black folks. But of course the black guys took it and ran with it, it was the most over-hyped situation since the supposed debt-ceiling crisis.

They went up for elimination and Chris admitted what they had done and boy the black guys piled on to eliminate the competition. They moaned, they groaned, they told Toccara how could she have them in the house with the white alliance thing being as she’s a ‘sister’ I love how black people throw out the black alliance card to guilt folks. She was so confused she told them to go and handle it, of course, some were upset with her because she was supposed to handle it. Now really I could understand her asking them to figure it out, she’d just heard it about and they’d known about it for a longer period of time and she didn’t feel comfortable. Then she was told well as a queen you sometimes have to be strong and make decisions, that I didn’t get and felt like the black guy Kevin who said it was manipulating her because he was too much of pussy to make a decision and probably mad that she didn’t just jump the white guys for being racist right off the bat. But eventually Toccara caved, she kicked out Chris and Nick for the white alliance thing. I personally thought they should have kicked out for being so stupid, not racist.

My thoughts are that neither Chris, Nick or Toccara were ready to delve into the interracial relationship. Chris and Nick because they didn’t have enough sense to not form something as dumb as a white alliance among that many insecure black men, this is still a competition and because Toccara was new to interracial dating you just don’t pull out the race thing that soon you have to feel people out about that. Black women who have only dated black men can be easily guilted, as she was in this case, about race. Toccara wasn’t ready either because as a black woman in an interracial relationship with a white man, you can’t worry about how other black people may feel every time he says something they don’t like. Many black men are just looking for any excuse to guilt black women about their choice of mate, really all of them played into the remaining guys hands. It was a dumb situation to be had by all.

The Secret Language

You remember when you were a kid and boys were really gross to you. They had exclusionary clubhouses that girls weren’t allowed to enter and tried to speak secret languages so as a girl you wouldn’t know what they saying. Well you know that happens in adulthood too, if you’re an unsuspecting woman thinking that certain men’s language is just direct and honest you may be surprised when you find out that you what you think he may be saying and it’s meaning are two different things.

Matt and I went to lunch today at one of our favorite burger joints here in Seattle, Kidd Valley they have some tasty burgers, their bleu cheese bacon is to die for but today as we ate lunch we sat behind two gentlemen and I use that term loosely, one was eating while the other stood outside for a long period of time talking to someone on the phone. They were Caucasian neither was particularly engaging, suave or good looking. In fact, they were average maybe below average, looking like the poor guys in their 30s wanting to be the hipster 20 year olds around this town, you know, Ed Hardy down. As the one stood outside the other ate silently, then his friend came in with his backward hat and sunglasses and sat down to talk loudly to whomever was on the phone. Kidd Valley is a small burger joint so really his conversation could have been heard in the back outside the restaurant he was so loud and obnoxious. Besides being a bit of self-important obnoxious douche, he was gaming some woman on the phone. I don’t know if he wanted us all in the place to hear so we’d be impressed by his skills or if he just didn’t realize he was so loud. I listened to his conversation as Matt and I sat with my burger and his chicken sandwich. I couldn’t help but notice he was giving someone advice, but I knew it wasn’t a man, men don’t even talk to each other for that length of time on the phone unless it’s business so it had to be a woman. I guess she was having a dilemma about a boyfriend and calling her ‘friend’ for advice. I mean, why not, he’s a guy he should understand guys. But as I listened to him speak, I started to decipher the secret language he was using with her. That wasn’t advice that was gaming and I told Matt that under my breath. I told him I’d tell him when we finished and got in the car. Now I can’t say I’m an expert on men but I do know game when I hear it and his wasn’t even that good, a kindergartner should have been able to see that through that. Here’s a bit of the conversation and what I deciphered.

Douche A: Well I’m a friend and I don’t really want to come between you and your boyfriend.

Translation:  Well I’m interested in screwing you but I don’t really want to date you so I don’t want to break up with dude.

Douche A: Maybe you need some time off, some time to find you.

Translation: Maybe you need to break it off with him for a little bit so I can screw you and not feel guilty about it.

Douche A: No you deserve that time, just don’t see him when you get back.

Translation: I want to screw you but I don’t want you as a girlfriend so don’t see him when you get back because you two might get back together and throw salt in my game.

Douche A: Why don’t you come out with me and Douche B when you get back into town and we’ll all go out and get trashed together.

Translation: Come out with us and we’ll pretend we feel bad about your issues with your boyfriend, we’ll get you drunk and you’ll end up in a regrettable threesome with me and Douche B.

Now you may not agree but if you had heard it and saw these dudes, you’d know why I came to this conclusion. Now not all men are gamer dogs but I’m sorry ladies if a man that you’re friends with is not at least thinking about screwing you, he doesn’t find you attractive, period. I asked Matt the question and he said yes, when he was college he had a lot of girl ‘friends’ they all thought he was nice guy but in the back of his mind he was thinking ‘man, if I ever got the opportunity I’d screw her’. It’s men, it’s what they do. It don’t mean your guy friend will try it but he’s probably thinking it. In this case this douche was going for the gusto and my thought is when this girl ‘friend’ gets back to town they’ll go out and she’ll end up in the middle of a regrettable sandwich between these two below average nutwads. Don’t say I didn’t tell you so.