You remember when you were a kid and boys were really gross to you. They had exclusionary clubhouses that girls weren’t allowed to enter and tried to speak secret languages so as a girl you wouldn’t know what they saying. Well you know that happens in adulthood too, if you’re an unsuspecting woman thinking that certain men’s language is just direct and honest you may be surprised when you find out that you what you think he may be saying and it’s meaning are two different things.
Matt and I went to lunch today at one of our favorite burger joints here in Seattle, Kidd Valley they have some tasty burgers, their bleu cheese bacon is to die for but today as we ate lunch we sat behind two gentlemen and I use that term loosely, one was eating while the other stood outside for a long period of time talking to someone on the phone. They were Caucasian neither was particularly engaging, suave or good looking. In fact, they were average maybe below average, looking like the poor guys in their 30s wanting to be the hipster 20 year olds around this town, you know, Ed Hardy down. As the one stood outside the other ate silently, then his friend came in with his backward hat and sunglasses and sat down to talk loudly to whomever was on the phone. Kidd Valley is a small burger joint so really his conversation could have been heard in the back outside the restaurant he was so loud and obnoxious. Besides being a bit of self-important obnoxious douche, he was gaming some woman on the phone. I don’t know if he wanted us all in the place to hear so we’d be impressed by his skills or if he just didn’t realize he was so loud. I listened to his conversation as Matt and I sat with my burger and his chicken sandwich. I couldn’t help but notice he was giving someone advice, but I knew it wasn’t a man, men don’t even talk to each other for that length of time on the phone unless it’s business so it had to be a woman. I guess she was having a dilemma about a boyfriend and calling her ‘friend’ for advice. I mean, why not, he’s a guy he should understand guys. But as I listened to him speak, I started to decipher the secret language he was using with her. That wasn’t advice that was gaming and I told Matt that under my breath. I told him I’d tell him when we finished and got in the car. Now I can’t say I’m an expert on men but I do know game when I hear it and his wasn’t even that good, a kindergartner should have been able to see that through that. Here’s a bit of the conversation and what I deciphered.
Douche A: Well I’m a friend and I don’t really want to come between you and your boyfriend.
Translation: Well I’m interested in screwing you but I don’t really want to date you so I don’t want to break up with dude.
Douche A: Maybe you need some time off, some time to find you.
Translation: Maybe you need to break it off with him for a little bit so I can screw you and not feel guilty about it.
Douche A: No you deserve that time, just don’t see him when you get back.
Translation: I want to screw you but I don’t want you as a girlfriend so don’t see him when you get back because you two might get back together and throw salt in my game.
Douche A: Why don’t you come out with me and Douche B when you get back into town and we’ll all go out and get trashed together.
Translation: Come out with us and we’ll pretend we feel bad about your issues with your boyfriend, we’ll get you drunk and you’ll end up in a regrettable threesome with me and Douche B.
Now you may not agree but if you had heard it and saw these dudes, you’d know why I came to this conclusion. Now not all men are gamer dogs but I’m sorry ladies if a man that you’re friends with is not at least thinking about screwing you, he doesn’t find you attractive, period. I asked Matt the question and he said yes, when he was college he had a lot of girl ‘friends’ they all thought he was nice guy but in the back of his mind he was thinking ‘man, if I ever got the opportunity I’d screw her’. It’s men, it’s what they do. It don’t mean your guy friend will try it but he’s probably thinking it. In this case this douche was going for the gusto and my thought is when this girl ‘friend’ gets back to town they’ll go out and she’ll end up in the middle of a regrettable sandwich between these two below average nutwads. Don’t say I didn’t tell you so.