I am a fan of the television show Bridezilla, now let me not lie, it’s a hot mess of a show. Featuring women who are getting married in about a week or so going completely bonkers and being bitches to a degree I thought was incapable in humans. While it shows that there really is somebody for everybody, good or bad it also shows the men in these upcoming nuptials. Most of the time the guys are so docile, they’re almost sleep usually giving in the woman’s whims every time she screams or fake cries. Now I really dislike manipulative people, it’s so utterly dishonest and sneaky and I find no need for it. But one of the things they show is the pure dysfunction of these relationships, now all relationships have problems but really all the fights, cussing, falling out, insults, and arguing should be ‘red flags’ to someone in these relationships. Something to say to them, it really is time you gave these nuptials a second thought or a third or a fourth. Dysfunction in a relationship does not make it ‘deep’ it makes it dysfunctional. Constantly fighting, crying, screaming, running down the street, taking off in cars leaving your dust in it’s wake is not healthy, it is dysfunctional.
How do I know, because I am victim and a participant in the dysfunctional relationship. Yes, me your calm Captain and lovely blogger, yes me the woman who just married the man of her dreams participated wholeheartedly and very willingly in a dysfunctional junction of a marriage. My ex-husband and I were like a bad Lifetime movie, if it was dysfunctional we had it as part of our marriage. In the early years when I was young I thought it was cute and caring when I went screaming from the house and he followed me out in a full rage to drag back in. Say lawd have mercy and pass the holy water. I thought when I put him out of the car on three separate occasions as we cursed each other out like sailors, that was showing the deep and meaningful lengths of our love. We would fight like Tyson and Holyfield without the ear biting, we were the most fucked up dysfunctional couple ever, the fights would be so heated at the end I would have forgot what the hell I had been fighting about. I mean it wasn’t a debate it was all out war in our house, every minor skirmish turned into World War III with a bit of Road Warrior thrown in. I’m sorry but every disagreement in your household should not turn into WWE Smackdown, if it does you need some therapy or to pack your bags. I don’t know how we ever got married, oh yea I do, I was just so damn stupid and he was needy and manipulative. But really in those early days I thought it was cute, maybe a sign of deep love that we fought so viciously. I’m telling you I was dumb as a brick and although everyone around me told me how horrible the fights were and that he treated me so badly for some reason it didn’t seem that way to me.
As I watched an episode or many episodes of ‘Bridezillas’ I notice this same dynamic in many of the couples, most the couples on this show are young but some aren’t and at this point should know better or figured out how to handle their tempers better. But they don’t, the women are temperamental, some of the men are flat out asses and they seem to think as one couple said “We hated each other so much, we couldn’t help but love each other.” What kind of fucknuttery is that? You don’t treat the person you love like a door mat that you wipe your feet on, the person you love shouldn’t be nervous at the sound of you entering your home, they shouldn’t flee every time they see you or think ‘what is he/she coming to bitch about now’. At the end of my marriage I’d finally got that all the drama between my ex-husband and myself was not equaling a happy marriage containing happy people. In fact, it had gotten so bad I had become depressed and developed panic and anxiety. And it wasn’t until I put him out that it went away, now that’s telling you something. The emergence of the ‘ride or die’ chick in the black community is just another way of saying drama filled relationship, that somehow black women are supposed to just put with whatever there man does because that means she really loves him and is dedicated. But is that love and dedication returned? That’s the ten million dollar question. In my old age and hard fought wisdom I’ve come to find that if a relationship contains any needless drama, it’s not worth the work. You know marriage is a job but it’s a job you should love to do, I love being married to Matt. Everything about him puts me at ease at all times. I never feel nervous or anxious with him, that’s one the things that made me fall in love with him. His calming vibe just made me so calm and I looked at him and had a light bulb moment as Oprah says. That yes, you could be in a relationship, be loved, be appreciated, cherished and at ease. I could almost cry thinking about that moment because really at the end of my 1st marriage I thought every relationship I would ever be in would be a drama, there would be no other fate for me in love. But the fates had something else to say and I’m glad I listened. Later for drama.