Who Are You Trying to Convince? Me or You?

I read a few websites and blogs online and you’d be surprised, how many I don’t read. I don’t particularly like negativity or craziness in my life so there’s some stuff I refuse to expose myself to. I’m actually really discriminating about the web because of the plethora of foolishness on here I’m careful. But I follow Madame Noire on Facebook, I don’t regularly read this online magazine but sometimes they may have something interesting to say so I peruse it. I read an interesting article in it the other day the actual article was ‘A Pregnant Nia Long Does Double Cover for Ebony in the Nude’  and she looks gorgeous on the cover of Ebony all carmely and naked with that big pregnant belly. Now at the moment she isn’t married to anyone and she didn’t mention who the father of her child is may be the man who’s the father of her first child, meh.

But really that is just an aside, this is about a comment she made in the article and some other black women are making on different sites. As you know I don’t regularly just go blindly on the web but sometimes I read an article or comment that makes me go ‘hmmm’. One that Nia made did just that, she was speaking about having a baby after 40 and how black women need to do what’s natural to them. You don’t have to go by society’s rules on when you need to marry and yadda, yadda, yadda, whatever, whatever. The same edicts you keep hearing from black women about waiting for perfection before they ever think of marrying someone or trying to convince them and everybody else that marriage is no big deal. The comments were about black women having children in their 40s which probably is when a lot of successful college-educated black women may be having kids. Now I never particularly wanted children but I knew if I had decided to have them it would have to be early on. At this point, I have no interest in trying to have a child at 40 years old. I mean, let’s be serious I’m old, I’m set in my ways, I’m not that patient, and I don’t have a ton of energy. And I am not downing women for having children in their 40s but this notion of promoting this line of thinking is a little irresponsible. The are risks in having a baby after 40 and anyone who tells you different is just plain lying. When I asked my doctor about having a baby at the age of 37, she was very plain spoken with me about my risks. Although it’s not impossible it’s very risky and did I want to take those risk with my life and health as well as any potential child I would have. So I decided not to do that while many women do, it’s not advised for health reasons to do so.

Now with the state of black marriage, which is not that positive, black women are being sold a new bill of goods. ‘Oh, do what is natural for your body’ listen what’s natural for your body is have a baby while you’re in optimum health which is in your 20s not in your 40s. I just that if people need to be honest, if you really want a family and children you need to make those plans early in life and go forth. You cannot wait till you’re established in your career and life and in your 40s and decide you want to be married then you have to rush the wedding and the baby. It’s best that folks getting married take a little time to get know each other as husband and wife before you throw in some kids, children change things from what I see with people who have them and they change a lot. I know two couples that were married in their mid-20s and took time to establish their marriage then introduced children into their families, each waited over 5 years before having their first child. And you know what, they each have some happy and stable families. I also know of women who had kids in their 40s and their single with the baby daddy thing going on and it’s a bit of a hot mess. The woman is older, less energetic, less patient and the child(ren) are getting underfoot or being passed off to family members so they ‘take time for themselves.’ The one thing I know about children and folks who have them is that, there is no time for yourself, at least not an abundance of it. I’m sorry as much as I love kids, I don’t want to be bothered with other people’s children. I get to have that luxury by not having my own. I know women who have married later in life, especially amongst black women and their biological clocks are going off like crazy so now they get married and rush into making the baby thing happen without getting a chance to be a couple and enjoy all the benefits of that, the quiet, the freedom, the extra money, and all the sex you can handle. Now I’m not saying it’s terrible being parents or that parents don’t enjoy some of these things too but when it’s just you and your boo, you enjoy them in abundance. You can also take some time to get prepared to be parents. I’m not liking the trend of folks trying to convince black women that we’re X-Men Mutants and can have babies forever with no consequences or repercussions. It’s a disservice to black women and their health. I’m also not advocating that you run out to have a baby with a knucklehead you aren’t married to. I’m saying that black women who are thinking of having families should really think about what they are doing to make those results come about, you can make a plan in your life and have it come to fruition just many black women do with education they should do the same thing with relationships and marriage. No one seems to be better planners than us.

I also wish people would stop trying to convince me and themselves that having a baby in your 40s and 50s is some grand idea.  It may certainly work but why make things harder. Nia Long can have a baby at 40, she’s probably got a nanny most older black women probably don’t. My mom told me once that when she had me and my brother in her late 20s and reared us she was ‘just tired’ in a sense when it came to discipline and us, so many things my two older brothers didn’t get away with we did. Now she was tired in her 30s, really what are we thinking about raising teenagers in our 50s and 60s. I’m sorry but at that point, my thoughts would be on my retirement and settling down to a quiet and peaceful life and if I had kids, sitting up and spoiling my grandkids not trying to rush my own kids around to soccer and other extracurricular activities. You can miss me with that.

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