Lawd Have Mercy, He Hot!-Adam Baldwin

I’m taking it in the wayback machine again today, I know most women know him from Firefly show on Syfy but I know him and have loved him since ‘My Bodyguard‘ back in 1980 and ‘D.C. Cab’ in 1983 so I’ve been crushing for a long time. But what I really love is when a childhood crush I had turns around and in 2011 is finer than he was when I first started crushing on him. Adam Baldwin fits the bill, oh sweet baby jesus, he is so sexy, the perfect combination of buff and hot and really has aged quite well. You know he doesn’t get the credit he deserves as  a sex symbol, really he doesn’t. I think in the 80s he was so young and folks thought him a little gangly he is tall, 6’4″ which is really an anomaly for Hollywood most actors are short. He is tall and distinguished, I’ve watched as he’s been recent films Independence Day and Predators 2 come to mind but he just got better looking. There is nothing like a man that ages well, the man is now 49 years old. He’s putting 20 year olds to shame, I say. I’d knock these girly boys over that they got in Hollywood nowadays just for a chance to have a real man like Adam Baldwin throw sweat my way. He really is handsome, rugged, sexy and just actually seems really unassuming as if he doesn’t know he’s sexy. You know what I mean, humble, which is so lacking in many men today. But his sexiness factor has stood the test of time, we all should be so blessed. So ladies, let us give credit where credit is due, Mr. Adam Baldwin.

Throwback Post-Sometimes…You’re A Sucker

I’m doing some throwback blogs from my previous blog ‘Single Girl in a Weird World’ since I have a new audience with some sprinklings of my old audience, I’d like to share with you some of  what I thought were my best blog posts from that blog. I really have learned a lot about myself by blogging and enjoy it immensely. So please enjoy some of my throwback post from my previous blog. This will be a regular feature.

I know it hurts to hear, it hurts me to say it. Listen, I’ve been to Suckersville more times than I would ever want to admit. Sometimes people just sent me there without my knowledge and sometimes I just gladly hopped the train for the ride. When I got there, I sometimes enjoyed it for the time I was there but the end of the trip always sucked and sometimes when I showed up I just started to cry because I thought ‘damn, here again’. Yes, most of us as people have been suckers, men and women, black and white it don’t discriminate. Really I’ve been enough to have postcards and a t-shirt.

I don’t like to admit to being a sucker, it’s embarassing, it hurts, and you feel like a fool cause really were a fool. You sometimes think, how did I let this happen? But really no one is immune and usually when we do the ‘why me’ thing I think, why not you? What’s so special that you get spared, it’s a part of life. I want to let people know it’s okay, the thing that is not okay about it is if you don’t learn anything from your sucker experience. Not learning from the sucker experience, only dooms you to be a sucker again. Not acknowledging your part in playing the sucker, will guarantee that another trip to Suckersville is in your future.

Lots of different folks can enable you to be sent on a trip to Suckersville, your family, your kids, strangers, your boss and co-workers, but usually we visit the most when we’re in a relationship. There can sometimes be something about being in love or thinking you’re in love that makes suckerdom so appealing. There’s a song called ‘Everybody Plays the Fool’ I forget who it’s by but it’s apropos for this post. Because yes, we’ve all played the fool. Some of us are still playing the fool. I know we don’t want to always admit it but I like passing on a little wisdom to help those that have been to Suckersville or are on their way figure out how to learn from the process so you don’t have to continuously repeat it. I’m not beyond saying I been a sucker, it’s okay I’m a sucker no more but yea I was there with ya! I don’t think that being a sucker has anything to do with how old you are. I know women who are in their 20s that may have a had a sucker experience and learned from it so they don’t repeat the sucker behavior. I also know women in their 50s that at every turn they are being suckered and don’t realize it. It has nothing to do with age, it has to do with wisdom and that can come at any age.

Am I trying to explain to you how avoid being a sucker? No. There really is no way to avoid it, sometimes we make bad choices but the point is if you make better choices things can change. You know you can actually be different, have a different life, make different choices, it’s up to you. I know sometimes people think, well this it, things won’t ever be different but that’s defeatist and untrue. I’m proof that things can be different, that if we think critically about the choices we make and how we have a stake in those choices we avoid traveling the long, winding and harrowing road to Suckersville. I am not without fault when my sucker experience happened, I made the choice to endure whatever it was I endured in that relationship. I made the choice not to require more of that man. I made the choice to think that the little I got was what I deserved. I made the choice to put with ridiculous shit, I did. When I decided that I didn’t like visiting Suckersville, it stinks, the weather sucks, it’s not fun. I put the responsibility on me to make better choices. I figured if I learned from my previous mistake, I wouldn’t make that mistake again and I could avoid the sucker experience. Novel idea, huh? And lo and behold it worked, but it meant I had to analyze what I had been doing wrong, not what someone else had been doing wrong. Because really, I was the factor that wasn’t changing, the guy changed he had different face, name and everything but at his essence he was the same dude that could not wait to put my dumb ass on a train bound for Suckersville.

Now, what I’m saying is don’t get down on yourself, nothing is wrong with you, you just haven’t honed your choice making skills that’s all. If I didn’t want to re-visit Suckersville I had to make sure I wasn’t picking up folks along the way that were hitching rides there. We all know when we’re being okey-doked. When I was okey-doked by my ex, I would make elaborate excuses up for his bad behavior. You should never have to make up excuses for your partner’s bad behavior and they should never require you to. I knew things were wrong with him and by the end I knew something was seriously wrong with me. So when it came time to think about picking someone again, I got smart, I got a strategy and I went to work on it. I had requirements for the guy, yea dude you can’t ride with me without money for gas. Yea, we have to be going to Productive-town, if you’re going anywhere else or if I even get a whiff that he was going anywhere else he got kicked out the car. Don’t waste your precious time on folks who don’t know where they are going and most definitely know where you’re going. You knowing your destination is key to you not being a sucker, it means you have standards, requirements, that have to, not need to, but have to be done to get the place where you want to be. Get your car in working order, make sure your luggage is packed correctly, no trash bags, get your tires on straight and go for it. Life is an adventure but it’s one you can learn and grow from, sometimes it’s uncomfortable and challenging but you don’t have to throw in the towel. If you want to have a different life, you have to make different choices.

Confirmation and How to Spot a Sociopath

You know I’ve been pretty open about my past marriage and I know some people may think, why would you do that, why tell about the horror of your marriage. Especially since my marriage was with a white man, why bring a black mark to interracial marriage for all the trolls to attack. First of all, hiding things is as good as lying for me, a lie of omission is still a lie. I will not be part of any lie that tells black women that white men and other non black men are your saviors and Supermen. As has been said again and again in other blogs catering to BWIR you need to vet. My non-existent vetting skills at the time I met my husband was the reason I ended up in that bad marriage. I’m not ashamed to say it, I was a fool but you know what that marriage taught me plenty. What it taught me I’m trying to pass on to other black women who are in and are moving into interracial dating. Now I must say that I put interracial dating out as an option not a solution to black women’s dating/mating woes, some black women have issues so deep even moving to the other side of the street won’t solve those but dating interracially is a wonderful option. And even though in many ways my ex-husband was a degenerate, he still was probably better than most black men out there today, because he was a degenerate with the presence of mind to marry me and give me his last name. I don’t think if I had been dating a black man that would have ever happened and he still would have been emotionally abusive. But now we come to why I wrote this blog post. I got confirmation the other day that what I’m doing by telling women about my ex-marriage and how to spot sociopaths and NPDs (narcisstic personality disorder) is a good thing and I’ll keep doing. As I study more and more about the folks who have this personality disorder it is becoming very clear to me, that more people are suffering with this psychosis than are getting treated. Last month was Domestic Violence Month and although I know that physical and verbal abuse are really prevalent, emotional abuse is also prevalent but less seen and recognized by most people. My thought is and I have nothing to back this up but a hunch that emotional abuse is going on a widespread basis, because it’s easy, hard to recognize, and doesn’t create the physical scars of physical abuse. How do you call the cops on a husband or wife that is emotionally abusing you?

But something was said about me on another blog, that had me thinking am I doing the right thing by putting my tale of my ex-marriage out there, do I hurt the cause of black women’s empowerment and interracial dating when I tell black women of my story? Here’s a portion of the comment:

You won’t ridicule your own readers “for settling”, even if their spouse is so called better in a “potato sack”. We all know your lying to yourself Eugenia. We know about previous relationship with a past rainbeau. But you steadily have advice for other black women on this blog. (Smiling)

I merely point out the hypocrisy. Eugenia “settled” right. I have seen various comments said about her by your own readers. You act like I am the only one that had strong words for her. There was cat fight where one of your readers made strong comments about Eugenia’s husband. I could tell she was a bit “rattled” by it.

This is from Beyond Black & White’s post called ‘Promoter Gal,’ Con’t; BQB Gives Insight Into Her Thinking now don’t ask me who this person is, from some of the other comments some folks knew of him. I don’t, I don’t roam the internet nor do I let fools roam my blog site so yea I just don’t do foolishness. But I guess I was an easy target, I’m quite outspoken about my marriage to Matt and my marriage to my white ex-husband, which contributed to me being married to Matt today. I learned a lot from that marriage and I share those lessons, I guess this person surmised I was somehow desperate for another white man by marrying Matt. Well, if you don’t know I wasn’t begging Matt to marry me (I wasn’t even sure I wanted to get married again) he wanted to marry me, I mean that’s what real men do they ask you to marry them, they want to be with you. He was talking marriage before I ever said two words about it. But I figure since this man seems steeped in black community dysfunction, he thinks women are all running around begging men to marry them like black community does. I don’t understand it but whatever. I certainly settled, I settled down to a nice, comfortable, loving, support and fantastic life with my now husband. But as I read this, I started to wonder if I was making BWE look bad but then I read something later in a devotional I subscribe to that confirmed to me, no Eugenia you’re doing the right thing.

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

– Lamentations 3:22-23

When I read that and the rest of the devotional about God helping us during our times of struggles, something came over me I knew I was doing the right thing by passing on the wisdom I’d gained from a hard experience. God sent me here to bless people and I don’t know who read my blog post on The Clandestine Abuser, there were only two comments but I know someone read it and if I helped one woman avoid the scenario I went through with my ex-husband, I’ve done well. My concern is not some sociopath on a blog site trying to goad women into a fight or get people to look at his little drivel that he presents on his blog, my concern is the women that come to my site especially the black women. I’m silly sometimes and I’m serious sometimes but I’m when I’m serious it’s for a reason I’m trying to pass on knowledge and wisdom to women so they can avoid some of my pitfalls. Now I was never a black woman that stopped dating black men because they done me wrong, I just was never interested black men at all so I don’t fall into the bitter category. I never spouted that white men are the end all, be all of all time. Actually I’ve done the opposite, white men are an option just like any other man but it’s up to us women to figure out whether that man is an option worth taking. I don’t hate black men, in fact, I don’t feel anything for them, I feel apathy towards a bunch of strangers as it should be. The black men I love, love me as it should be. I’ve always been reticent to wholesale tell black women to just hook up with white men and your problems will be solved. Because what I’ve seeing more and more is black women who are unable to vet hooking up with sorry white men and then being all devastated when they figure out, yes these men have feet of clay. Many black women have two issues when it comes to dating one is an ‘options’ problem, they aren’t considering all their options and the other is a vetting problem, when they do take their options they are so used to way they judged black men which is was at the lowest common denominator and they bring all those ratchet skills into interracial dating and end up with exactly what they had when they were dating mono-racial. I try to address both of those here at my blog.

Now I’m going to come to my next point of this blog, while reading the comment from above, I discerned something. This man, and I use the term loosely, is obviously a sociopath and I’ve put a profile of a sociopath on here previous in the The Clandestine Abuser post and he fits but the one thing I noticed that fit almost perfectly was due to his insult technique. Now you all know I love to insult people especially those that deserve a good insult, I take my skills at insulting folks as an artform. I don’t do it much but if you mess with the bull, you’ll get the horns with me. I never insult anyone that doesn’t deserve it but my insults are well thought out and sophisticated. Even if you’re uncomfortable with insulting people, mine strike you that an adult made them. This person made an insult towards Matt, about him not being able to dress and since he couldn’t dress I was, therefore, desperate. I thought, what the hell kind of insult is that, that’s like a teenager insulting me on how I dress. Only kids are concerned about how people dress especially in a manner trying to insult someone but I remember a quote I used in my ‘Clandestine’ post.

In my work with extreme narcissist patients I have found that their emotional age and maturity corresponds to the age they experienced their major trauma. ~After Narcissistic Abuse – There is Light, Life & Love

What this means that whenever these folks that suffer from a personality disorder had their traumatic event (and I don’t know what that is but it’s obvious this man had some kind of trauma in my earlier life) they are emotionally and developed stuck at that point. So if he had his trauma at 10, he has the emotional development of a 10 year old, if it was 16 then of a 16 year old but something happened to this person when he was young. May have been physical abuse, abandonment, molestation, I don’t know and am not really concerned but now he’s on the internet venting, trying to get internet therapy for a psychological issue he’s repressed and doesn’t want to face. That’s why if you read the rest of his post, it seems so juvenile in tone and intent. Ladies, I want you to recognize this because my ex husband did the same thing, I don’t know what happened to him but he was stuck almost at the age of 15 or 16 years old emotionally. But at the time I met him
I didn’t recognize emotional immaturity I was just 24 myself and tad immature also. It’s the reason the person above insulted my husband’s manner of dress in such a juvenile way because he is a sociopath/NPD and emotionally immature so his manner of speaking also reflects that. As time goes on, I will probably come back to speak again on sociopaths and NPDs this a subject that has really interested me because I do believe so many of these folks walk among us reeking havoc on people’s lives, trying to weld power over folks and creating victims wherever they go. They walk amongst you, not showing any signs of a personality disorder and if you don’t recognize the tell-tale signs, which can be covert, you can easily become one their victims. I want black women using their heads when they get involved with any man because you don’t want to wake up one day to discover you’ve been emotionally abused and didn’t even know it.

Lawd Have Mercy, He Hot!-Patrick Stewart

Let’s give it up for Captain Jean Luc Picard of the U.S.S. Enterprise and my man from Star Trek: The Next Generation. I think you guys may know this but I really do have an odd thing for bald heads. I don’t know why, but I’ve got an odd sexual attraction to bald heads really think about it, all the nasty things you could do with a bald head. Yes, I’m all over that. A man with a good bald head, because it doesn’t suit every man is just uber sexy to me. That’s why I love Sir Patrick Stewart, yes I know he’s Dr. Charles Xavier in the X-Men and I love him in that too. But now my husband has me hooked on Star Trek: The Next Generation and as I watch those episodes, I just moon a little more over him each time. He’s so distinguished, that bald head, that English accent and it’s the snotty one too, I love that accent. I have just fallen in love with Captain Picard’s character and so I’ve been looking for more to watch Sir Patrick in and have found plenty of it on Netflix, the man played Macbeth (my favorite play of Shakespeare). He really is a brilliant actor and just generally a hot man, so ladies let your eyes peruse Captain Picard and even better, Sir Patrick Stewart.


I’m Still in Limbo, Dammit!

In March of this year on my previous blog, Single Girl in A Weird World, I wrote a blog called I’m in Limbo I talked about being in Limbo regarding making some choices around my career. Well after some thought and consideration I have come to the conclusion that dammit I’m still in Limbo. The last couple of weeks I’ve been in a conundrum about what to do. But really at the beginning I didn’t know what it was, I was just antsy. When I met my husband and we started dating I was in limbo about the direction of my life but when our relationship started and begin to bloom I was busy falling in love so I just put what to do with myself on the back burner. When he asked me to marry him I just became entranced with planning and executing a wedding. If you have or are planning a wedding you understand, weddings take a lot of energy and while I was still working part time as an adjunct instructor I didn’t have time to address the limbo. Now that we’re married I’ve come to discover that it’s time to address the limbo.

I’m not exactly the domestic type and although I love cooking, I’m not exactly excited and all atwitter about cooking and cleaning all day or being a housewife. I’m now looking for another way to be productive, in a way that will suit me and make me happy. I really enjoy being a wife especially Matt’s he has made my life easy and supports me in every way. It’s sometimes crazy when you get what you want because I feel like now that I have it, what do I do with it? Well, yes I know I need to enjoy it and I do and I’m thankful for it. But I’m a person who has always known that I have a purpose for my life and it didn’t have a hell of a lot to do with just being a wife or a mother. Although both of those are noble efforts, I’ve always been a little different and my needs for my life have been different. My life has unfolded in phases and my new phase is now beginning. I think we all have phases because life is about changing and growing. Now my phase as a worker bee is coming to an end and now it’s time for me to go the next phase which is being an entrepreneur and using my gifts to help others a achieve their own goals. I’m kind of shocked to discover that I am still in limbo but glad I realized what has been bugging me the last couple of weeks. Limbo is hard for me because I’m a ‘planner’ it’s my nature to always be in planning mode but I’m excited about this. Even more excited to be doing this with a supportive and loving husband, who is encouraging me.

I’m going to a therapist to talk this through because I believe that I need an objective ear to hear me out. Therapy is a blessing and has always been helpful for me. I’m looking forward to this new part of my life in every way and in transitioning into the purpose that God has for me. When I work His plan it always works out. So as this unfolds I’ll be sharing my journey with you, if you’re on limbo know that you are not alone but realize this is not the end it’s only the beginning.

The Myth of the BBC

Now I was going to call this blog post, ‘Dickmatized’ but my mom is a ‘friend’ on my Facebook and she may have an attack if an article like that from me popped up on her timeline. Now when I say BBC I am not talking about the British Broadcasting Company it was something I became familiar with as I started online dating. I online dated at a couple of different spots, so the profiles came in a variety of forms. But when I started to date Matt, he told me when he was online dating he noticed a lot of white women including the abbreviation BBC in their profile requests. I was confused I didn’t know what it meant, so I asked, he was surprised I’d never heard of it. Well I don’t pay attention to people and the things they do or say, so as with most things this one missed me. He told me and I was shocked to learn that it meant, big black cock, well I can’t mistake what they were asking for, they wanted the jungle love, mandingo, the black man with a dick swinging like a third leg. After he informed me of this I laughed, a lot, because the whole thing is ridiculous. It’s also ridiculous how dumb women are about our bodies and how they work, especially sexually. It’s many a woman that has fallen for the myth of  the big black cock, as better able, more satisfying and just plain good when it comes to sex. Black women for the most part are still extremely what I like to call ‘dickmatized’ a word I took from the comedian, Sommore and it fits perfectly here, black women on the whole and many other non-black woman have become what is known as dick-hypnotized. They’re so hypnotized by this big black cock, that they’ve actually not even noticed that bigger is not always better or more satisfying when it comes to women and sex.

Just a little background, I like sex, I like sex alot, I like lots of sex, I find it enjoyable and a good way to create intimacy. But let me just be truthful, good sex with someone I may not like that much is still good sex. But all that aside, Matt and I enjoy a very satisfying sexual life, we are adventurous now I don’t threesomes or animals but my mind is open when it comes to sex. One of the best things is, we communicate about sex and what are needs are frequently which makes sexual pleasure for everyone great all around. I believe sex was built for pleasure, that’s  part of sex’s purpose, it was also built to promulgate families but since we have intention of having children it’s all pleasure for us. The Song of Solomon in the bible speaks rather explicitly in very poetic way about sex and sexual pleasure and God’s desire for us to indulge. But believe me you’ll never hear anyone talk about that in church, which is one of the reasons so many black women are dickmatized. Most women are unfamiliar with their body and how it functions, black women in particular because we’ve been told from birth that good girls don’t touch that or that only fast girls know anything about those parts of their body or sex or your body is a temple. Well great,  it’s a temple I know nothing of, there are rooms black women are unfamiliar with then some guy comes along goes all up and through your temple rooms like a bull in a china shop and we’re so overwhelmed by the experience, we think we’re in love and his wonderful BBC has us so hypnotized, as Sommore says, we’re letting him drive our car and he has no license. That’s what happens when you are unfamiliar with your own body, it’s like being the ruler of a country and being unfamiliar with the lay out of your lands, well hell anyone can come in conquer them if you don’t know what’s there and how it works.

I know of grown women, who don’t realize that when you urinate it’s not coming from the same spot where you menstruate dumb ass. Have any of you ever looked at your vagina, I mean really looked it? I have, I took a mirror and studied it, it’s my body I should know about it, I want to know how I achieve orgasm, where the g-spot is located on me and how you get there. I don’t want any man down there telling me news about my body I don’t already know. Do women know that all vaginas are not built alike? That some are deeper, some are shallow, some have a curvature, that our vaginas as women are varied just like men’s penises. Do you know where your clitoris is and how it gets stimulated? Because if you don’t you’re going to have trouble achieving orgasm, 50 to 75% of women only achieve orgasm via clitoral stimulation. Yes there are those rare freaks of nature you can orgasm via intercourse or anal intercourse but most of us can’t. So the BBC sticking in and out of you all day long is not going to help you have an orgasm. I’m so sick of dumb women bragging all day long about the BBC, a man screwing you like you aren’t there is not going to achieve your sexual needs. Really all you are for him is a sperm receptacle, stop trying to be so amazing for him in bed, women need to be pleased to. Most men have no idea how to make their wives or girlfriends come, most guys just do with you what they did with the last chick. I’m here to tell every man, that shit you did with Tina, Lorie and Amy is not going to work for every woman. She needs to tell you what turns her on and can help bring satisfaction for her and you need to ask and listen. The best lovers I’ve ever had are not the ones with big dicks, in fact, that never did nothing for me but it was the ones that listened to what I told them and then did it. I was watching a porno once and this black woman was having sex with this black man who had a huge penis but as I watched I noticed, she did not look happy. Most of the time the women in porn are acting anyway, but this chick was not acting like this was best ride of her life, she looked like she was uncomfortable and in serious pain. There is nothing pleasureable about being uncomfortable. Having a BBC that you have no idea how to use properly is just a damn waste, I’d take a dude with an average penis, creativity, and some listening skills any day over the BBC.

I want to leave you with this, when I started to explore my body when I got to know my body sex became so much better for me and more satisfying. It also became more satisfying for my lover, because a really good man wants to bring his woman pleasure. There is nothing in the world worse than a selfish lover and they really should have to have sex with themselves so they can see how bad it is. I started to read more, explore more using toys and other things (I recommend Babeland online, it’s a sex shop run by women with reviews) and talk more my sex life just got a million times more satisfying. I was never enamored by the BBC anyway but even better because I knew my body and how it got satisfied during sex I wouldn’t be hypnotized by it either.

Star’s Favorite…Movies-Something New

Now I’m not going to lie and say Something New was Citizen Kane or Casablanca it was not but for me it was enjoyable, I liked this movie a lot. Really there had never been a movie quite like it made, yes I’d seen movies with black women and white men in relationships but it had never been told from the black woman’s perspective. And although much of what Kenya played brillantly by the beautiful Sanaa Lathan was not true for me some of it was and it was very funny as I watched it. I love the love story between Kenya and Brian, played by the too sexy Simon Baker (have I done a post dedicated him, hmm need to put him on the list). It’s just so funny and cute and great romantic comedy. I think it reflects a lot of things regarding black women choosing to date ‘out’ especially successful, educated black women. The pressure from her family, mom in particular, and the questioning by other black men and yes, black women about her seeing Brian just rang so true when I think back on my own experiences dating interracially when I was younger. Ye,s I dated a white guy that went to a barbecue with me and asked the ‘black tax’ question to a bunch of black men. It was hilarious because I don’t even believe in that kind of lunacy so I don’t know where he got that from but he’d dated black women previous. Yes, I had my oldest brother try to set me up with his black friend when I started to date my white ex-husband, I cussed him out for that and he never tried any crap like that on me again. So much of this movie is familiar enough to make it relatable to me, now I never had any misgivings about dating interracially, never even thought I was supposed to do something else. But I love that Kriss Turner made this movie and it was about time. For many black women who’d already been dating non-black men for awhile, they didn’t enjoy it or relate to it, but I took it for what it was. When this came out many black women were just coming to the realization that they had an option in dating while black men had realized and been exercising theirs for many years. That’s actually how Kriss Turner came up with the idea to write this screenplay, she had a conversation with her friend, Chris Rock, and he mentioned how he didn’t understand why black women weren’t ‘exploring their options‘ like black men. I think it was a good movie to introduce a new trend in dating for black women and I still love it, even today. The soundtrack was so awesome, I immediately picked it up still rocking that on my iPhone now. That’s where I discovered Van Hunt and so glad I did. My favorite scene in the movie is when Brian and Kenya show up to their friend’s wedding with his ex-girlfriend who is white and Kenya with her new black beau, she is so overcome and hurt she’s in the Rabbi’s office having an asthama attack and it goes down like this:

Kenya Denise McQueen: Can you believe he had the nerve to show up here with that white woman? 
Nedra: Last time I checked, Brian was white too. 

I must have died laughing, it was so funny. There were so many cute and funny moments and real moments too. But the best part is in the end loves wins out and really in the end that’s all that matters.  I hope if you’ve never seen it you check it and if you have, watch it again I just saw it on television a few weeks ago and enjoyed it immensely.

The Self-Sabotuer

Oh are you her? Are you the girl that throws salt in her own game? Are you the one that thinks this relationship is just ‘too good to be true’? Do you test the limits of that poor guy seeing at what point he’ll break and just give up? Well if you’re her, I have something to say you. Stop it, just stop it now.

Once upon a time I was a self-saboteur it’s almost like a compulsion and many folks didn’t pass my ‘tests’. But I did it anyway out of habit and fear. As a young woman the best I could say about my experience with relationships was that I was a tad bit dippy, stupid, and definitely inexperienced. Many black women especially those who have just dealt with black men all their lives are used to the half-assed relationship. Now this isn’t to say you can’t do half-ass with a white boy cause you can and I have. But having a bad experience doesn’t suddenly give you the right to sabotage every possible functional relationship you may have. People self-sabotage for different reasons some folks want to test to see if the person is willing to make an effort, some want confirm their fear that the person will leave them at the drop of a hat and they usually confirm it. Some just can’t believe something so good would come to them and they don’t deserve it anyway. Whatever the reason self-sabotage is not the way to function. As well as relationships, people who are self-saboteurs also will sabotage careers, educations and just life in general.

Why would someone do this to themselves you ask? It’s hard to know and since I’m not a therapist I’ll try not to guess. I must say in my younger days I used to do it as a way to test people I was involved with, I usually proved myself right. If you push people away hard enough, yes they do eventually give up and move on. Why wouldn’t they, why would anyone stay to try to prove something you don’t believe yourself. Self-sabotage is destructive and unneeded. I know it’s hard for some black women to get that, yes there is this nice non-black man that loves you and wants to spend his life making you happy in whatever way possible and yes you deserve it. I know the black community and some black men have been feeding you lies, telling you that you’re not worthy but that’s what it is, a lie. You can be happy, productive, in a good relationship that nourishes you with someone who treasures you. It’s possible, I got it and I say this always I am not some special case. I know of many black women who have what I have it.

You deserve the absolute best for you, whatever that is. Stop sabotaging your relationships. I know many black women are reticent to believe that a non-black man would find them attractive, want to date them or especially want to marry them. I am not implying that all non-black men you meet will be the one for you but to not believe that you are deserving of love and respect of any man is just crazy. Stop trying to make humans jump through hoops of fire like dogs, yes a man must prove himself but he shouldn’t have to prove himself over and over and over again, ad nauseum, infinitum. Relax and let yourself be loved, it’s a wonderful feeling I can assure you.