Oh are you her? Are you the girl that throws salt in her own game? Are you the one that thinks this relationship is just ‘too good to be true’? Do you test the limits of that poor guy seeing at what point he’ll break and just give up? Well if you’re her, I have something to say you. Stop it, just stop it now.
Once upon a time I was a self-saboteur it’s almost like a compulsion and many folks didn’t pass my ‘tests’. But I did it anyway out of habit and fear. As a young woman the best I could say about my experience with relationships was that I was a tad bit dippy, stupid, and definitely inexperienced. Many black women especially those who have just dealt with black men all their lives are used to the half-assed relationship. Now this isn’t to say you can’t do half-ass with a white boy cause you can and I have. But having a bad experience doesn’t suddenly give you the right to sabotage every possible functional relationship you may have. People self-sabotage for different reasons some folks want to test to see if the person is willing to make an effort, some want confirm their fear that the person will leave them at the drop of a hat and they usually confirm it. Some just can’t believe something so good would come to them and they don’t deserve it anyway. Whatever the reason self-sabotage is not the way to function. As well as relationships, people who are self-saboteurs also will sabotage careers, educations and just life in general.
Why would someone do this to themselves you ask? It’s hard to know and since I’m not a therapist I’ll try not to guess. I must say in my younger days I used to do it as a way to test people I was involved with, I usually proved myself right. If you push people away hard enough, yes they do eventually give up and move on. Why wouldn’t they, why would anyone stay to try to prove something you don’t believe yourself. Self-sabotage is destructive and unneeded. I know it’s hard for some black women to get that, yes there is this nice non-black man that loves you and wants to spend his life making you happy in whatever way possible and yes you deserve it. I know the black community and some black men have been feeding you lies, telling you that you’re not worthy but that’s what it is, a lie. You can be happy, productive, in a good relationship that nourishes you with someone who treasures you. It’s possible, I got it and I say this always I am not some special case. I know of many black women who have what I have it.
You deserve the absolute best for you, whatever that is. Stop sabotaging your relationships. I know many black women are reticent to believe that a non-black man would find them attractive, want to date them or especially want to marry them. I am not implying that all non-black men you meet will be the one for you but to not believe that you are deserving of love and respect of any man is just crazy. Stop trying to make humans jump through hoops of fire like dogs, yes a man must prove himself but he shouldn’t have to prove himself over and over and over again, ad nauseum, infinitum. Relax and let yourself be loved, it’s a wonderful feeling I can assure you.