You know I’ve been pretty open about my past marriage and I know some people may think, why would you do that, why tell about the horror of your marriage. Especially since my marriage was with a white man, why bring a black mark to interracial marriage for all the trolls to attack. First of all, hiding things is as good as lying for me, a lie of omission is still a lie. I will not be part of any lie that tells black women that white men and other non black men are your saviors and Supermen. As has been said again and again in other blogs catering to BWIR you need to vet. My non-existent vetting skills at the time I met my husband was the reason I ended up in that bad marriage. I’m not ashamed to say it, I was a fool but you know what that marriage taught me plenty. What it taught me I’m trying to pass on to other black women who are in and are moving into interracial dating. Now I must say that I put interracial dating out as an option not a solution to black women’s dating/mating woes, some black women have issues so deep even moving to the other side of the street won’t solve those but dating interracially is a wonderful option. And even though in many ways my ex-husband was a degenerate, he still was probably better than most black men out there today, because he was a degenerate with the presence of mind to marry me and give me his last name. I don’t think if I had been dating a black man that would have ever happened and he still would have been emotionally abusive. But now we come to why I wrote this blog post. I got confirmation the other day that what I’m doing by telling women about my ex-marriage and how to spot sociopaths and NPDs (narcisstic personality disorder) is a good thing and I’ll keep doing. As I study more and more about the folks who have this personality disorder it is becoming very clear to me, that more people are suffering with this psychosis than are getting treated. Last month was Domestic Violence Month and although I know that physical and verbal abuse are really prevalent, emotional abuse is also prevalent but less seen and recognized by most people. My thought is and I have nothing to back this up but a hunch that emotional abuse is going on a widespread basis, because it’s easy, hard to recognize, and doesn’t create the physical scars of physical abuse. How do you call the cops on a husband or wife that is emotionally abusing you?
But something was said about me on another blog, that had me thinking am I doing the right thing by putting my tale of my ex-marriage out there, do I hurt the cause of black women’s empowerment and interracial dating when I tell black women of my story? Here’s a portion of the comment:
You won’t ridicule your own readers “for settling”, even if their spouse is so called better in a “potato sack”. We all know your lying to yourself Eugenia. We know about previous relationship with a past rainbeau. But you steadily have advice for other black women on this blog. (Smiling)
I merely point out the hypocrisy. Eugenia “settled” right. I have seen various comments said about her by your own readers. You act like I am the only one that had strong words for her. There was cat fight where one of your readers made strong comments about Eugenia’s husband. I could tell she was a bit “rattled” by it.
This is from Beyond Black & White’s post called ‘Promoter Gal,’ Con’t; BQB Gives Insight Into Her Thinking now don’t ask me who this person is, from some of the other comments some folks knew of him. I don’t, I don’t roam the internet nor do I let fools roam my blog site so yea I just don’t do foolishness. But I guess I was an easy target, I’m quite outspoken about my marriage to Matt and my marriage to my white ex-husband, which contributed to me being married to Matt today. I learned a lot from that marriage and I share those lessons, I guess this person surmised I was somehow desperate for another white man by marrying Matt. Well, if you don’t know I wasn’t begging Matt to marry me (I wasn’t even sure I wanted to get married again) he wanted to marry me, I mean that’s what real men do they ask you to marry them, they want to be with you. He was talking marriage before I ever said two words about it. But I figure since this man seems steeped in black community dysfunction, he thinks women are all running around begging men to marry them like black community does. I don’t understand it but whatever. I certainly settled, I settled down to a nice, comfortable, loving, support and fantastic life with my now husband. But as I read this, I started to wonder if I was making BWE look bad but then I read something later in a devotional I subscribe to that confirmed to me, no Eugenia you’re doing the right thing.
Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
– Lamentations 3:22-23
When I read that and the rest of the devotional about God helping us during our times of struggles, something came over me I knew I was doing the right thing by passing on the wisdom I’d gained from a hard experience. God sent me here to bless people and I don’t know who read my blog post on The Clandestine Abuser, there were only two comments but I know someone read it and if I helped one woman avoid the scenario I went through with my ex-husband, I’ve done well. My concern is not some sociopath on a blog site trying to goad women into a fight or get people to look at his little drivel that he presents on his blog, my concern is the women that come to my site especially the black women. I’m silly sometimes and I’m serious sometimes but I’m when I’m serious it’s for a reason I’m trying to pass on knowledge and wisdom to women so they can avoid some of my pitfalls. Now I was never a black woman that stopped dating black men because they done me wrong, I just was never interested black men at all so I don’t fall into the bitter category. I never spouted that white men are the end all, be all of all time. Actually I’ve done the opposite, white men are an option just like any other man but it’s up to us women to figure out whether that man is an option worth taking. I don’t hate black men, in fact, I don’t feel anything for them, I feel apathy towards a bunch of strangers as it should be. The black men I love, love me as it should be. I’ve always been reticent to wholesale tell black women to just hook up with white men and your problems will be solved. Because what I’ve seeing more and more is black women who are unable to vet hooking up with sorry white men and then being all devastated when they figure out, yes these men have feet of clay. Many black women have two issues when it comes to dating one is an ‘options’ problem, they aren’t considering all their options and the other is a vetting problem, when they do take their options they are so used to way they judged black men which is was at the lowest common denominator and they bring all those ratchet skills into interracial dating and end up with exactly what they had when they were dating mono-racial. I try to address both of those here at my blog.
Now I’m going to come to my next point of this blog, while reading the comment from above, I discerned something. This man, and I use the term loosely, is obviously a sociopath and I’ve put a profile of a sociopath on here previous in the The Clandestine Abuser post and he fits but the one thing I noticed that fit almost perfectly was due to his insult technique. Now you all know I love to insult people especially those that deserve a good insult, I take my skills at insulting folks as an artform. I don’t do it much but if you mess with the bull, you’ll get the horns with me. I never insult anyone that doesn’t deserve it but my insults are well thought out and sophisticated. Even if you’re uncomfortable with insulting people, mine strike you that an adult made them. This person made an insult towards Matt, about him not being able to dress and since he couldn’t dress I was, therefore, desperate. I thought, what the hell kind of insult is that, that’s like a teenager insulting me on how I dress. Only kids are concerned about how people dress especially in a manner trying to insult someone but I remember a quote I used in my ‘Clandestine’ post.
In my work with extreme narcissist patients I have found that their emotional age and maturity corresponds to the age they experienced their major trauma. ~After Narcissistic Abuse – There is Light, Life & Love
What this means that whenever these folks that suffer from a personality disorder had their traumatic event (and I don’t know what that is but it’s obvious this man had some kind of trauma in my earlier life) they are emotionally and developed stuck at that point. So if he had his trauma at 10, he has the emotional development of a 10 year old, if it was 16 then of a 16 year old but something happened to this person when he was young. May have been physical abuse, abandonment, molestation, I don’t know and am not really concerned but now he’s on the internet venting, trying to get internet therapy for a psychological issue he’s repressed and doesn’t want to face. That’s why if you read the rest of his post, it seems so juvenile in tone and intent. Ladies, I want you to recognize this because my ex husband did the same thing, I don’t know what happened to him but he was stuck almost at the age of 15 or 16 years old emotionally. But at the time I met him
I didn’t recognize emotional immaturity I was just 24 myself and tad immature also. It’s the reason the person above insulted my husband’s manner of dress in such a juvenile way because he is a sociopath/NPD and emotionally immature so his manner of speaking also reflects that. As time goes on, I will probably come back to speak again on sociopaths and NPDs this a subject that has really interested me because I do believe so many of these folks walk among us reeking havoc on people’s lives, trying to weld power over folks and creating victims wherever they go. They walk amongst you, not showing any signs of a personality disorder and if you don’t recognize the tell-tale signs, which can be covert, you can easily become one their victims. I want black women using their heads when they get involved with any man because you don’t want to wake up one day to discover you’ve been emotionally abused and didn’t even know it.