Throwback Post-Sometimes…It’s You

This blog entry is from January 4, 2011 and it’s one of my best I think. 

I’m going to be writing a regular blog post entitled “Sometimes…” with words following that happen sometimes and hopefully that may impart wisdom onto someone. I love passing on and I love gaining wisdom. I don’t think people listen enough and they definitely talk too much. So the little bit of wisdom I have I’ve decided to pass on to those who will listen. Now, this may not help some people but for those who can use it, please take it and make the most of it. This week’s post is concerning, maybe it’s just you.

As a woman who has date interracially, mostly white men but other races also, I get a lot of request for advice on how to snag a white guy. Really, I have no idea; white men are not some aliens that you need special instructions on how to handle. They are men like any other man and for the most part react and do whatever it is men do. For me most men consist in large doses of what we call ego, even the most soft-spoken, sweetest, gentlest man in the world will go all ego caveman on you when the right buttons are pressed. So when black women ask me, how I’ve come to date all these guys of varying hues I usually just say ‘because I wanted to’. There’s really no magic bullet when it comes to dating interracially, I’m kind of tired of people saying there is. All things with dating and mating are up to you. I dated my ex-husband for almost 3 years before we got married, still got divorced because we were just not the people that belonged in a marriage together. It wasn’t that he was no good or I was no good, we just weren’t good for each other. Now, that did not make me want to stop dating white men, usually we have always had more in common than most other men I’ve dated. So I learned a lesson, did some self-reflection, tried to overcome those things that were not useful about myself (I’m still doing that) and moved on to date/mate again. As you know I met someone wonderful, Matt, and this year we are getting married.
See isn’t he cute, just look at that face makes me want to eat him up with a spoon. Don’t mind me cheesing on the side.

But before I met him and after my divorce, I dated a little. I had not dated in almost 12 years an the last time I had I ended up with my ex-husband so maybe I had skills that needed honing. When I first started to date, I just had the worst luck ever with men. They had problems and wanted me to join them in those hot messes and try to make the most of it. I was so not onboard with that, uh-unh! I decided after a couple of really bum experiences to look at the one common denominator in this factor, although the men I dated had changed (in appearance and name); something about ME was still the same. There was something going on with me that I would attract people that I didn’t want in my life. Something about me kept attracting these folks, who were either wishy-washy about committing, at least committing to me or men who were narcissistic, hell I’d just gotten rid of a narcissist, my ex-husband, I didn’t want another one or wanting me to come and play co-dependent with them. I had to do somethng about me.

Now in the scheme of things doing something about you is just so much easier than trying to change the world. So when I hear women, especially black women complain about not being able to find quality men of varying hues because they live in (insert whatever city) or the men are not man enough to speak up to make a move or they as women aren’t the right weight or height or skin hue or don’t have the politically correct hair I call ‘Shenanigans’ (that my way of saying BS). When I say ‘it’s you’ I don’t mean it’s the outer you, I mean it’s the inner you, although there is nothing wrong with improving your outer self. I have seen combinations of men and women that sometime make me look twice and wonder how that happened but I really get to know them; I see how it’s the inner person that hooked the other person and even I get charmed by their attractiveness. In our world of attempting to shift blame to everyone but ourselves when things go wrong, we have lost our power to improve those things that we can. I’m not saying everything in your life is your fault, many times it’s not but many things you can change to make things better for yourself. I mean doing some deep soul-searching, no one ever wants to be introspective and it takes a lot of courage to do it. This searching could reveal what you may be attracting and what you’re not attracting. Like attracts like, that’s my take on the universe. Not just in looks but like in character. When I decided to look at myself and not look at outsiders, I empowered myself to be different, react differently and I still have to challenge myself about that daily. Being busy changing the outside or surroundings hoping to attract the man of your dreams is a waste of time, when you keep the inside the exactly the same. And please don’t say ‘well I’m nice, fit, good-looking, what’s wrong with me?’ That’s a cop out and certainly not going deep enough. We all have things about us that are useless, we can be vindictive, mean, jealous, controlling, always wanting to be right, dismissive, cold, petty, bitter, bad attitude, unfriendly, arrogant, prideful, weak, passive, confused and that’s just scratching the surface. No one is perfect but if you feel like you have an issue, maybe you ought to seek help in trying to change it. I don’t care how you do it, but change is a good thing. This world cannot be ‘my way or the highway’. You just cannot move to a new city or country thinking it’s all going to be groovy and gravy when your inner self is still the same, because when you move, when you change your hair, when you lose weight, THE INNER YOU IS STILL PRESENT. That hasn’t changed unless you’ve decided to change it. If you’re not having the love life you desire, I’m gone put that on you because that’s the way it’s going to change.


6 thoughts on “Throwback Post-Sometimes…It’s You

  1. This is a beautiful post. For years to come this will continue to still be a beautiful post. I’m working on my innerself. Never an easy or straight-forward process, but I’m working on it because not only do I need to, but I WANT to. Let me tell you, for me it is definitely a scary process.

    Knowing things about yourself that are not helping you but infact are hindering your growth (in this case, my own) in life is something that I’ve realizied for awhile. But attempting to change is TERRIFYING for me. I’m missing out on life. I know this, but my little cocoon is comforting, but I’m not happy. I’ve done some of the things you’ve mentioned already — moving, changing my appearance, lol. I already knew these aren’t the full answer, but honestly it’s helped me little by little. It takes time. I know it’s not going to be a quick process, oh how I wish it could be! I don’t even feel like I’m improving myself, changing. From speaking with a friend, I’ve been told I seem different (in a good way). Change of environment and opening up myself more (a tad – still working on it) have helped me. On a deeper level though, changing the negative tapes running through my head is hard, but fortunately I’m getting there.

    • Keep going for it, because in the end you can do it. One of the greatest lessons I’ve learned over the past 2 to 3 years is, you can be different. It seems so simple but many ppl don’t believe they can be different, that they can change into someone better than before but you can you can do it.

  2. Thumbs up!!!!…I was hoping you would do more posts about bw thinking that they have to be flawless/perfect to date nonblack men.

    • Yes, we’re ppl always ever-changing and growing, we’ll always be flawed in some way. It makes me human, you don’t have to strive for perfection but striving for improvement in who you are is always a good thing. I really like the person I am today but I don’t want to remain this same person in 5 to 10 years from now I want to look back and see how I’ve changed, how I’ve gotten better. I want to be different in a good way, best part is, you can be different. That was a wonderful discovery for me.

    • First and foremost I needed some therapy, I know ppl get all skeeved when you say therapy but it’s not just for crazy ppl anymore LOL. I needed some help resolving some issues that I had no idea how to resolve so I got the tools I needed from a therapist. Acutually I’m going back soon, b/c I need to talk to him about moving forward in my career and with my purpose, I’ve been having a hard time doing that I think maybe he can help me figure why and how to do it. I read books by authors I liked, they helped me, self-help books can be very good, one in particular kept me from killing myself or killing him at the end my previous marriage. I’m a Christian so I pray, prayer helps me, it centers me and God always sends me what I need. I’m always in the process of improving myself it will never stop, there is no point where I’ll be ‘there’ so to speak. So when I look back at my 35 yr old self at 40, I’ll want to see a difference and I’ll do that every couple of years. I never want to stay thee same, I always want to be growing at whatever point I’m at. Change is difficult but necessary. I know some of the younger folks like the internet there are some great blogs out there, that have really helped me and challenged my thinking. That’s another thing, I like things that challenge my thinking, not to say that I’m wrong but to say there’s another way of looking at this situation. Then I have to think about that and how it might benefit my life. Now I’m adding in more exercise and I think that will help me also. So it’s an ongoing process for sure.

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