It’s Been Real

Real wonderful, I have been thinking lately very hard about shutting down my blog. I have recently been having some health complications due to my diabetes. If you know anything about diabetes especially someone who has it for over a quarter of a century, it takes its toll and I have been having those complications. Although I have enjoyed blogging and interacting with people on the internet I’m finding that more and more these interactions are causing me stress and anxiousness. I don’t know why nor do I care, my health is my first priority and stress is not good for me at all so taking myself off the internet is one simple solution, why not take it. I’m a practical person and my practical nature is telling me when I remove myself from the stress my stress will decrease. There are lots of stresses I don’t have any control over but this one I do and I plan on taking it. I have enjoyed blogging and getting to know the ladies on the blogs I do frequent but recently I’ve wondered especially after an exchange I had with someone regarding the ‘Red Tails’ controversy what is this adding to my life. I must answer, not enough for the amount of stress it’s causing. I have to do this for myself and my family. I don’t make decisions on a whim I’ve been thinking about this quite a bit. If any of you would like please feel free to look me up on FB or Twitter but understand my presence on these two social networks is about to decrease also but also if you’d like to keep in touch via email let me know and I’ll send you a private message. I’ll also still be moderating on BB&W but I can’t say how long that will last. Actually after I made this decision there seem to be a huge weight come off my back and I then realized how stressful this has been. I have enjoyed blogging and getting to know everyone immensely and I hope you’ve enjoyed my blogs. I still have a blog to write in my series on emotional abuse and NPD and maybe one more on hot men. I’d like to go out on a happy note and nothing is nicer than sexy men. I may come back to blogging I don’t know. Also be aware that I’m removing my YouTube account so those vlogs will be going empty. The blog will remain up but I just won’t be adding any new blogs/vlogs to it. Thank you all so much and God bless you in whatever endeavors you choose.

P.S. I brought back one vlog ‘The Myth of the Shy White Guy’ everyone seems to relate to it and it’s just so funny every time I watch it I fall over in stitches. But no other vlogs will return, at least that way you can remember what I look and sound like. LOL.

Advertisements

How Did I End Up in this Mess?

As you all know I’ve been doing a series on emtional abuse and narcissistic personality disorder. The last couple of weeks I’ve been talking about what they are, how to recognize it, and the patterns it has. We’re coming near the end of the series and I really hope it’s been helpful to some women out there. It actually has helped me a lot to understand what went on in my previous marriage, information is very powerful and it can help heal. Today we’re going to not talk so much about the dysfunctional partner and talk a little about the dysfunctional you. I know you wonder or may have wondered how you got yourself into that mess. I’m going to share some of things I have learned about why this may have come about. I am not trying to blame the abused by sharing this, this is not your fault, you didn’t do anything wrong, you should not be embarrassed. But that also doesn’t mean you don’t need examine what made you make this choice because for the most part, the relationship people are in or were in was a conscious choice they made. So we have some responsibility in this that needs to examined. I chose my ex-husband and I stayed with him for 12 years much of that was because of his manipulation but I still had a choice not to give into it. So how did you end up in this mess?

The thought is that many people who are being emotionally abused as adults had emotionally abusive parents. Although I can believe that many people who end up in emotionally abusive and other abusive relationships had some abuse in their past, the shear estimated high numbers of people being emotionally abused by a loved one leads me believe that there are certainly some other ways to end up in an emotionally abusive relationship.

Emotional abuse by parents is certainly one and there are various ways for people to emotionally abuse their children. So these are some of the ways children can get emotionally abused and end up in a emotionally abusive relationship.

  • Physical Neglect-when a parent does not feed a child enough food or provide the basic necessities such as clothing, shelther, or medical attention if needed
  • Emotional neglect and depravation-when parents don’t take an interest in their child, do not talk to or hold and hug their child, and as generally emotionally unavailable to their child. Alcoholic parents, in particular, are often neglectful of their children’s needs
  • Physical abondoment- when parents leave a child alone in the home or car for long periods of time or do not pick their child up at a designated time and place
  • Verbal abuse-constantly putting a child down, name-calling, being overly critical
  • Boundary violation-not respecting a child’s need for privacy, such as constantly walking in on a child in the bathroom without knocking, entering a child’s bedroom without knocking (especially an adolescent’s room), going through a child’s private belongings as a regular habit (not as a way of monitoring a troubled child’s behavior)
  • Emotional sexual abuse-when parents create inappropriate bond with their child or use their child to meet their own emotional needs, the relationship can easily become romanticized and sexualized
  • Role reversal-when a parent expects a child to meet his or her needs; to, in essence, parent them
  • Chaotic abuse-being raised in a family where there was very little stability but instead constantly upheaval and discord
  • Social abuse-when parents directly or indirectly interfere with their child’s access to his or her peers or fail to teach their child essential social skills
  • Intellectual abuse-when a child’s thinking is ridiculed or attacked and she or he is not allowed to differ from the parent’s point of view.

Now if any one of these was done to you, you may have been pulled in the direction of finding a emotionally abusive partner to repeat the pattern, particularly if you are comfortable with that pattern and find it normal. You may also repeat because you’re trying for a different outcome and unconsciously this is your way of attempting to provide it. You may also be a co-dependent person which in my own opinion many women and specifically black women are trained to be.  This is the definition of co-dependency from Mental Health America website.

Co-dependency is a learned behavior that can be passed down from one generation to another. It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as “relationship addiction” because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive. The disorder was first identified about ten years ago as the result of years of studying interpersonal relationships in families of alcoholics. Co-dependent behavior is learned by watching and imitating other family members who display this type of behavior.

Who Does Co-dependency Affect?

Co-dependency often affects a spouse, a parent, sibling, friend, or co-worker of a person afflicted with alcohol or drug dependence. Originally, co-dependent was a term used to describe partners in chemical dependency, persons living with, or in a relationship with an addicted person. Similar patterns have been seen in people in relationships with chronically or mentally ill individuals. Today, however, the term has broadened to describe any co-dependent person from any dysfunctional family.

What is a Dysfunctional Family and How Does it Lead to Co-dependency?

A dysfunctional family is one in which members suffer from fear, anger, pain, or shame that is ignored or denied. Underlying problems may include any of the following:

  • An addiction by a family member to drugs, alcohol, relationships, work, food, sex, or gambling.
  • The existence of physical, emotional, or sexual abuse.
  • The presence of a family member suffering from a chronic mental or physical illness.

Dysfunctional families do not acknowledge that problems exist. They don’t talk about them or confront them. As a result, family members learn to repress emotions and disregard their own needs. They become “survivors.” They develop behaviors that help them deny, ignore, or avoid difficult emotions. They detach themselves. They don’t talk. They don’t touch. They don’t confront. They don’t feel. They don’t trust. The identity and emotional development of the members of a dysfunctional family are often inhibited

Attention and energy focus on the family member who is ill or addicted. The co-dependent person typically sacrifices his or her needs to take care of a person who is sick. When co-dependents place other people’s health, welfare and safety before their own, they can lose contact with their own needs, desires, and sense of self.

How Do Co-dependent People Behave?

Co-dependents have low self-esteem and look for anything outside of themselves to make them feel better. They find it hard to “be themselves.” Some try to feel better through alcohol, drugs or nicotine – and become addicted. Others may develop compulsive behaviors like workaholism, gambling, or indiscriminate sexual activity.

They have good intentions. They try to take care of a person who is experiencing difficulty, but the caretaking becomes compulsive and defeating. Co-dependents often take on a martyr’s role and become “benefactors” to an individual in need. A wife may cover for her alcoholic husband; a mother may make excuses for a truant child; or a father may “pull some strings” to keep his child from suffering the consequences of delinquent behavior.

The problem is that these repeated rescue attempts allow the needy individual to continue on a destructive course and to become even more dependent on the unhealthy caretaking of the “benefactor.” As this reliance increases, the co-dependent develops a sense of reward and satisfaction from “being needed.” When the caretaking becomes compulsive, the co-dependent feels choiceless and helpless in the relationship, but is unable to break away from the cycle of behavior that causes it. Co-dependents view themselves as victims and are attracted to that same weakness in the love and friendship relationships.

Characteristics of Co-dependent People Are:

  • An exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others
  • A tendency to confuse love and pity, with the tendency to “love” people they can pity and rescue
  • A tendency to do more than their share, all of the time
  • A tendency to become hurt when people don’t recognize their efforts
  • An unhealthy dependence on relationships. The co-dependent will do anything to hold on to a relationship; to avoid the feeling of abandonment
  • An extreme need for approval and recognition
  • A sense of guilt when asserting themselves
  • A compelling need to control others
  • Lack of trust in self and/or others
  • Fear of being abandoned or alone
  • Difficulty identifying feelings
  • Rigidity/difficulty adjusting to change
  • Problems with intimacy/boundaries
  • Chronic anger
  • Lying/dishonesty
  • Poor communications
  • Difficulty making decisions
Co-dependency can work in degrees you can be extremely co-dependent or have co-dependent tendencies. I have discovered I have co-dependent tendencies that I have to be aware of them not to have them used against me. Full on co-dependents may need some further help to for someone overcome this disorder. As I said before I am not a psychologist, I’m just sharing information. If any of this sounds familiar to you, I would seek mental health help immediately. Now there are probably another myriad of reasons you ended up or are still in a emotionally abusive relationship but you need to seek help to find out. I have a big heart and my big heart got attached to a manipulator and he just wore it out to the point I had nothing left for anyone almost including myself. I think we have an idea of love and companionship when we’re young and since I had a combination emotional abuser and NPD it was like the double-whammy of bad, dysfunctional relationships. I had to figure out as I went forward and thought about another relationship how not to pick the same the person. Now at that point I had no idea my ex-husband was an NPD but I did realize he was emotionally abusive. So how did I get out that mess and how do you get out of it and maybe move forward to a healthy relationship with another partner. Well, we will talk about that next week.

Lawd Have Mercy, He Hot-Liam Neeson

I don’t know I’m having some jones for Irish men lately. So today I come and present the swarthy and sexy Liam Neeson.. First of all, I love his name and his face. It looks lived in, he’s handsome but it looks he’s been tweaked by being in a fight or two. He just looks tough but also very tender and sweet. I was tragically sad for him when his wife, Natasha Richardson who I also love, died after a freak skiing accident. He was strong then but still seemed so tender. I just like him, I don’t know when I started to like him this much. I’d seen him in movies and thought he was handsome but ever since Taken yea it’s been on for me feeling delightful when I see his face in a movie. I’m looking forward to see The Grey when comes out, it just looks really good and suspenseful. A story of survival in the frozen woods of Alaska, a man and his cunning. Oh yea, I can’t wait to watch him fight a wolf. Yes a big, strapping, strong man fighting a wolf, oh lord yes it is so on for me and Liam Neeson.

 

 

 

 

Throwback Post-Battle-Picking is An Art

This blog post was published on February 5, 2011. And my husband stopped smoking with no nagging from me.

In the article JC Davies wrote on her blog, Racy JC, about Matt and I she said something that was worth noting. She said something about nagging, what a terrible thing it was for women to do to men (that’s true vice-versa also). I must agree, I don’t nag Matt…much. But really with him I’ve decided to use an old stand-by strategy that works, pick my battles. I learned from my marriage that sometimes you have to pick your battles and pick them carefully. Everything should not turn into an episode of WWE Smackdown or go all Thunderdome. With my ex-husband every minor disagreement would disintegrate into a huge argument, so huge that at the end I was wondering ‘what the hell were we fighting about’. I was never discriminating in picking my battles with him, everything was a battle and it was tiring and created a lot of tension and resentment. Now, I’m not saying Matt doesn’t have some small habits that drive me nuts, yes he does. I’m sure your man does or your man will. But constantly nagging him about little stuff I have learned from dealing with my ex really only makes men do one of two things, get really angry with you or go all passive-aggressive. Men do have a tendency to be passive-aggressive. So when you complain about their habits instead of the trying to stop the habit, they do it more just to piss you off. Again, I know this from experience, a really bad one.

So, no, nagging does not work, usually with Matt I try to go at it logically (men like logic) why he should maybe stop doing something, appeal to something in him that will make him to want to change. He smokes, I’m not a fan of smoking but I don’t go all wacko when he does, he leaves his clothes on the floor, really I’m not gonna raise my blood pressure because he has a shirt and pants on the floor, I just walk over it. Those sorts of little things that a lot of women find absolutely nerve-wracking are not battle worthy. Women waste good time and energy fussing about stuff, he’s never planning on changing at most points this just who you got if you don’t like him as he is, let him go. That will definitely save you energy and rid you of the problem. But do not expect that nagging and his love for you is going make him change, change has to come from within, people have to want to change themselves. And please again, stop asking love to do the impossible because most people love themselves more than they love you.

The things that I find battle worthy are extremely important to me like being respectful of my feelings, not taking me for granted, or being considerate and those are things I try to emulate in this relationship. If those start to deteriorate, I may be getting ready to put my battle plan into motion. But really little things, aren’t worth the headache of going all bonkers over and to tell the truth, men really appreciate it so much that many of the small things you were once nagging them about they just start to do themselves because they want to show their love and appreciation for you. Matt is trying to stop smoking again as a wedding gift for me, I’m so pleased with decision but still I’m not going to nag him about it because if I do that’s the day his wedding gift to me will be returned. I can’t tell you exactly what will be battle worthy for you in your relationship but I will say don’t sweat the small stuff. If you have man that loves you, takes good care of you, treats you well, and all around pretty good guy, cut him slack on those little things because if you don’t some other woman will.

The Myth of the Shy White Guy

I’m going to say this and I know it may upset some women but this dude don’t exist, he’s figment of women’s wild imagination. Just another way not to feel rejected. I know I look kind of crazy but was 2 in the morning and I had to get this vlog out quick, fast and hurry. Excuse my late night look but I gotta tell it on this one.

Lawd Have Mercy, He Hot!-Pierce Brosnan

How do I love Pierce Brosnan, let me count the ways and they are numerous. First of all I love that he was such a devoted husband to his first wife, he stuck in there like a champ up until the day she passed away and she was young and so was he. Many men would have just skedaddled and left the woman to die alone especially younger men. Most dudes don’t have that stick-to-tiveness about them. They’re out first sign of trouble. But he stayed and comforted his wife till her death at 43 years old in 1991. He went on caring for his children until he met his current wife, Keely Shaye Smith in 1994 and married her in 2001. Now here’s another reason I like him, he loves that woman dearly he really is a devoted husband and they have two children together. After she got pregnant I’m not going to lie she gained some weight alot and in Hollywood even as the wife of a star that may be the kiss of death. He’s a leading man, the thought is he should be with someone slimmer and more attractive in their eyes. But he loves that woman is proud of her and proud to show her off, she seems okay with her body and he seems okay with it so no one else should have anything to say. I find that admirable because she still is not a slim woman and I’m sure skinny women are throwing themselves at him like baseballs. I find him classy and sophisticated and a gentlemen and sexy and devoted. I’m telling you responsibility is an aphrodisiac to many women especially me. A man that loves his family and is devoted to them, it’s sexy wexy. Now I don’t advocated home-wrecking but it’s nice to see a man so devoted and loving, it’s just refreshing especially in filmsy Hollywood. Where folks change husbands and wives like most people change underwear. I loved him when he was James Bond, he’s a different James from all the others but I adored his James. I fell more in love with him in ‘The Thomas Crown Affair’ he and Rene Russo were both sexy in that movie, she put 20 years to shame and his portrayal of Thomas Crown was just sizzling. I got that in my DVD collection, I need to go watch it. And remember when he played Remington Steele back in the 80s I hope I’m not going far in the wayback for some folks but oh yes and he’s aging like fine wine. And if anyone wants to know he’s not English, he’s Irish! Mmm yea! A man after my own heart, Pierce Brosnan.