I Love Me, I Hate You, I Love You, I Hate Me-the World of the Narcissist

I was looking forward to and dreading writing this blog all at the same time. What I have been discovering about narcissistic personal disorder (NPD) has astounded, scared, confused, and made me mad all at the same time. As most of you know I was  married before I married my current husband and I really believe that my ex-husband suffered from NPD all the things I’ve read and talked to folks who know about NPD are pointing to him suffering from it. NPD is what they call a borderline personality disorder, it’s not like sociopathy which is antisocial behavior, it’s a lesser degree of it almost. The thing to know about being involved in a love relationship with these folks is that not all emotional abusers are NPDs but all NPDs are emotional abusers it’s how they keep going and functioning. Anyone can be a narcissist we’ve all shown narcissistic tendencies in our life but that thing that makes NPDs different is that they are consistent and clear. You can have a NPD mother, father, co-worker or boss, in fact I know someone dealing with NPD boss right now and that ain’t easy. In the scheme of things NPDs are majority men, 70 percent of NPDs are men. How do NPDs work, how did they get that way, what do they do? Well I’m about to share the things that I’ve learned and that if I had known I would have recognized in my ex-husband. As usual unless you know the signs they aren’t easy to spot, but once you do you’ll be able to spot them like nothing. I am convinced that many of the black males that come on BWE/BWIR blogs to troll are NPDs or sociopaths. Those are people it’s hard to avoid but you can certainly avoid getting into a romantic relationship with these people. I don’t want to scare women but I want women to forewarned to be forearmed. Just because the man you love does something narcissistic every once in awhile is no big deal, you do that too but when it becomes habit, clear and consistent you may have issues.

How do NPDs become this way as with most things surrounding mental issues it begins in childhood, during a particular stage of childhood personality development the child is either loved too much or not enough attention is given and they learn to ‘love themselves’ or ‘depend only on themselves’ as a means to self-preserve. With men it begins with the mother, I must say a pretty good signal is a strained mother/son relationship. The man either being way too close to his mother or extremely annoyed with her ‘she gets on his nerves’ can be indicators of a man who has some emotional development issues as most NPDs. Many black men who have been raised in single parent homes may have these issues, many times I have seen it with my own two eyes black mothers are often resentful of the children they have been burdened with after the bad relationship choices or they are so dependent on the child to make them feel better about themselves they do what is called emotional sexual abuse when a parent creates an inappropriate bond with their child or uses their child to meet their own emotional needs, the relationship can easily become romanticized and sexualized. I know the story of a black mother who started to date and she wanted the guy she was dating to spend the night, the guy literally had to fight her 13 year old son to get him out of his mother’s bed because he had been sleeping with her all these years. I’m a personal believer that children at a certain age should not be sleeping with parents especially as teenagers. It’s not appropriate. As you can see from what I said above it can cause mental issues for the child, that kid is screwed for life. I never slept with my parents as a child if I showed up and crawled into bed after a bad dream, as soon as I feel asleep I was carried back to my own bed. Once my mother became a widow, she wasn’t trying use any of us as a crutch. We all slept in our beds, those kinds of boundaries are good for healthy parent/child relationships. What the NPD is doing when they get into love relationships is trying to re-live whatever went wrong at a particular time in their personality development. They’re looking to their new love to ‘make it right’ to fill in the missing piece. That’s why when you start to date a NPD they’re so thrilled, they cover you with compliments, ‘you’re the best’, ‘I have never had a relationship this special,’ ‘I cannot believe how much we share’ and ‘You’re a perfect fit…’ One of the reasons people feel so good about these is because the NPD usually relishes them with stories of a previous partner who have been negative and demeaning. As many people would do, you feel sorry for them and sympathetic towards their plight. But you also feel special that you can help them, what caring person wouldn’t.

NPDs also frequently jump from relationship to relationship rather quickly because they are looking for an end to their emotional pain and that’s all that matters, they don’t recover from relationships they just move on, once again in search of the ‘ideal love’. Narcissist are what people ‘need’ for them to be. At the important stage of their childhood emotional development they had to be something to someone significant other than who they actually were so they feel they need to be different in order to be loved and accepted. They change into whoever they need to be gain that acceptance. They are masters of the change-up. So as they become who they need to be in order to be accepted, they make those around them who they need for them to be. To an NPD you are an object, something they possess like a car or a home. That’s why they have issues with personal boundaries so NPDs usually come into your space and make it their own, it’s not to feel close to you it’s to make you their own. Usually the things that NPDs want to possess or ‘merge’ with are people with traits and characteristics they wished they possessed. You are a reflection of your NPD, they want to see themselves in you and you are also their narcissistic supply (gives them what they need to keep their false sense of self alive). They spend so much time creating their ‘false’ selves that if anything interferes with that they are again injured emotionally and psychologically much like they were as children when the first narcissistic injury occurred. So when their false self is hurt or injured, they start to devalue other people, in a romantic relationship that’s usually the partner. They need to build up their false selves again, so they insult and make people feel badly about themselves to keep their false self alive and functioning. That’s where the emotional abuse, we’ve spoken about in previous weeks comes about. This gives the NPD a feeling of superiority and control over the other person, remember they want to possess you. I know it may seem complicated, it was a tad overwhelming for me when I first read it but this how it happens, exactly how it happens. At the beginning of the relationship NPD are drawn to partners for their special strengths and characteristics, they compliment their partners on those in the beginning frequently, they need those to be a part of their false self. They admire those qualities in their partner and they mirror them, because that is better than the way they truly feel about themselves. They will take parts of their partners personality, they’ll mimic their partner in word and deed. They merge so closely with their partner that they don’t really possess a personality of their own. To NPDs people in their love and other relationships are mere objects, they are tools for the narcissistic supply that NPDs need to function. As long as you give them narcissistic supply, you are considered useful to a NPD when you stop or when the narcissistic supply loses it’s potency, because to NPDs it’s like a drug, they need to move on, they need new narcissistic supply. When you challenge their false self, they then become threatened and will start to devalue their partner. Once they start to devalue you, in the eyes of NPD you’re seen as ‘damaged goods’ the more you try to love or understand them the more they will devalue you and think of you as weak and useless. So what normal people would do in a relationship, showing more care, concern and compassion to a partner a NPD finds useless and weak. Believe me when I say you cannot fix a NPD, don’t waste your concern or pity on them because they are not pitying or concerned about you. There is no cure for NPD but it can be treated if the person wants to get treated but I wouldn’t hold my breath waiting.

If you figure you’re dating a NPD stop where you are and leave the relationship, you are only exposing yourself to terrible heartbreak if you stay as NPDs don’t believe anything is wrong with them. They want your admiration, respect, fear or they want power over you, they are incapable of loving people because to them people are objects. Do you really want your car to love you? That’s how NPDs feel about their romantic partners and any other people in their lives. I do not feel bad or guilty for what happened between my ex-husband and myself, I am not a bad person nor am I stupid. I loved him, that’s not a bad thing in general, it was just that I didn’t know what he was had I known I probably would not have wasted my time. But I’m glad I know now. Be glad that you know too. We’ll discussing NPDs as I continue this series.

Information used in this blog is from Zayn, Cynthia and Dibble M.S., Kevin, Narcissitic Lovers: How to Cope, Recover, and Move On, New Jersey: New Horizon Press, 2007.

Engel, Beverly, The Emotionally Abusive Relationship, John Wiley & Sons, Inc., 2002. Get them at Amazon.com.

17 thoughts on “I Love Me, I Hate You, I Love You, I Hate Me-the World of the Narcissist

  1. I recognize a lot of your words, and was in a relationship that killed me also slowly. I am free now and woken up and suddenly I see what I was dealing with. Thank you for putting the words for me together and make me understand what I had to deal with. God bless you and good luck with your life

  2. I realize that these postings are older, but I wanted to post anyway. I am in the early recovery stages from a relationship with a man that I am almost 100% certain has NPD. I hope that by sharing my story I can help someone else — because I know that for me relating to other stories has been helping me. Narcissists can make you feel like you are crazy, worthless and losing your mind…. so it is important to realize that you are not alone. This is going to be a LONG post because I want to share my full story… I’ve never done this before so I am hoping that this will help me.
    I was with my N for over 2 years. It was very hot/cold & off/on. We were even engaged and had purchased wedding rings. Of course, my N left the scene before our elopement ever happened (my family hated my N and he told many lies to his family about me, so eloping was the only way). I am not perfect & even healthy relationships go through ups and downs…. but the ups and downs were always very extreme and bizarre. My N also had a prescription pill problem (I tried many times to help him get better). This issue only made matters much worse, and of course, he blamed his pill problem on me even though I had nothing to do with it.
    October 2011: When I first met my N he was extremely nice. I met him in a public place & he asked for my phone number – I really wish I could go back to that day and change my decision. We went on a few dates and he seemed almost too good to be true. He swept me off my feet by putting his best personality forward. He always wanted to help me out with things and spend time with me. About a month into our relationship, and around the same time we started having sex, he started acting different. He became less available & started playing games about spending time together… I recall him inviting me on a date and then uninviting me. He started talking about other women he was seeing and having sex with. He started mentally abusing me and insulting me when we would spend time together. I noticed that his behavior about the holidays was weird… he refused to celebrate Halloween with me. He started acting superior than anyone & everyone and he would go on hateful rants about people who spend their Sundays watching football (this was a favorite hateful rant of his that he often repeated throughout our relationship), he referred to others as minions……and then he turned on me. He started making rude comments about my clothing, my interests, and my taste in music. I had kept quiet for a very long time, but I finally made a comment back to him in response to an insult of his. It was an innocent comment in comparison to some of the things he had said to me… I made a comment about his teeth getting yellow since he was a smoker. Well, the N lost it. He reached across the couch where we were sitting and he slapped my face…. not really hard, but hard enough. I was I such shock that I immediately left and vowed never to speak to the N again….
    I was new to the area that I was living in, I barely knew anyone & I just so happened to be searching for a job. The N knew that I really needed a job. So, just as I thought I was completely done with the N, he contacted me out of the blue as if nothing happened (this is also a common trait of N’s when you start to pull away). He called being completely sweet again & he even offered to refer me to his place of employment. I was disturbed by his prior behavior, but I was desperate for employment & this was one of the nicest things anyone had ever done for me (note, EXTREME ups and downs). I forgave him & I was extremely grateful. I will never know if this was a genuine act of kindness on his part or if this was just another way for him to control me. I ended up getting the job offer in November 2011, but I would not start until January 2012. I did not realize what I was in for because this gave the N started to gain complete control over me during those months and I did not even see it that way at the time. He would alternate from extremely nice to being really cruel. He would threaten suicide. He would act really bizarre & make crazy claims… he once said his family was connected to the mafia and they had people watching him (none of this was true). There was a time when I had too much to drink & I was trying to be affectionate with him – he sprayed hand sanitizer in my mouth & pushed me over his couch (no matter how annoying someone is when drunk it is not a reason to do these things). I bought him a cake for his birthday & he threw it against a wall, he also made really odd comments about how depressed he was on his birthday because he wasn’t dating super models or rich. During this period of time he started complaining about all kinds of health issues and how his life was not fair because of it (I don’t think any of his claims were even true). What was most degrading during this time was the way he treated me about sex. The only time he would be affectionate with me was right before sex and then afterward I was treated like nothing. I will not get into graphic detail, but he completely degraded me once for nearly an hour in a sexual way giving me “sex lessons.” He started disappearing from my life for days or weeks at a time… he would be having sex with other women during this time and sometimes he would even tell me about this. He began threatening to ruin the job for me before I even started working and he told me that I was going to be a failure. He told me that he could see my GPS location of my cell phone via texts(this was not true but still freaked me out), he would just show up at my apartment as if nothing was wrong after days or weeks of disappearing or silent treatment. During this period of time I knew something was wrong, I just did not know what it was. I felt really confused about what was happening and I started to become depressed about how he was treating me. I started to become clingy in a desperate attempt to gain his acceptance because I could not understand his insults or behavior. At that time I was still my own person…I had more control of my life… I still had my sense of self… I still had my friends. I realized that how he was treating me unhealthy and I decided that I wanted to cut ties with him. I realized that I would have to see him for work, but I was capable of keeping that to limited contact and professional. So, it was after one of our fights that left me spinning in complete confusion & depression that I decided to walk away.
    I also think it is important to mention that during this time most of our time was spent hanging out at his apartment. I was not working yet and he would pull all-nighters working on his masters degree & sometimes he wouldn’t sleep at all for days. When he was being nice to me I really loved being with him, so keeping him company during this time was fun for me most of the time. I thought this was normal behavior at the time since he was working full time… but looking back there was a lot of prescription abuse on his part and I realized after the fact how dysfunctional this was.
    By now it was December. Christmas was approaching (the N didn’t seem to celebrate the holidays much & his family seemed to be weird about this too). I was excited for the holidays. I will admit that even though I had walked away from the N there was a part of me was missing the fun times with him. But, I felt like I had control of my life again so I felt good. The N contacted me out of the blue, of course just as I was moving on. This time he needed a favor from me. My apartment at the time had 2 bedrooms and the N knew it was too expensive for me to afford. He told me that he really needed a place to live because his lease was running out soon. He made it seem like he had absolutely nowhere else to go(I later found out that he has many family members he could have stayed with). He also made it seem like a good idea for me because he would be splitting rent. He made it seem like this would be temporary. At first I did not want this at all, but after a few days of him being extremely nice to me & realizing that it would help a lot financially…. I said yes even though I felt uneasy about it. We started seeing one another again, but as usual the status of our relationship was unclear. The N was really reluctant to have any type of title with me like girlfriend/boyfriend, yet we were doing all of the things that couples did…and now he was moving in. It was a really confusing and I did not know what to make of it, but I was hooked so I opted for this horrible treatment. I was proceeding with caution & distancing myself, so when it came time to visit my family for Christmas I took this as an opportunity to have time to myself(at this point in time the N was back to his hot/cold behavior and was currently giving me the silent treatment). I remember leaving town & getting a phone call from the N because he seemed shocked that I left town without saying goodbye. This was shocking to me because the N had been treating me really horribly up to this point. I remember just brushing this behavior off since I was planning to spend the whole week with my friends and family. I remember feeling relieved that I was leaving the crazy behavior of the N, even if it was just for the holidays. My family lived about 5 hours away & once I got home I was having a lot of fun. I did not think too much about the N until a day or so after Christmas when the phone calls and texts came flooding in. He literally started calling me nonstop. He also suddenly wanted to make elaborate New Years Eve plans. We purchased tickets for an event & made plans to go. Then, he suddenly wanted to come to my hometown to do some skiing (I did not invite him and my family did not want him in their house). Before I knew it he said he booked a hotel room and he was on his way… he called me during most of his drive too. Looking back on this it was really controlling and bizarre behavior on his end, but at the time I felt special and I thought this was romantic. I ended up cutting my time with my family short and then once he arrived I started seeing signs of him acting crazy toward me again and he continued to keep me confused. We followed one another back to our home state on the 5 hour drive… once we got back his behavior really started to change. He even started to change his mind completely about our New Years Eve plans. He went from practically begging me to go to telling me that New Years Eve is nothing to celebrate. We ended up keeping the plans. I got dressed up really fancy… he even made a comment about how he couldn’t insult me because he thought I looked good(N’s seem to give compliments in really backward ways which still feel like insults). The event we went to was a hotel party & we were to stay overnight there. He made me feel like he was looking at other women the entire time. Apparently he was because after a few drinks he disappeared with another woman. I ended up back in my hotel room alone & as the clock struck midnight he was nowhere to be found. He came back & we were both a bit drunk. He tried to have sex with me after telling he had been hooking up with another woman! I did not like this and pushed him off of me. Well, the N proceeded to beat me up very badly. I was also attacking him back. I had my iPhone & I made a comment about calling the police. He took my iPhone and smashed it so that I could not make calls. He unplugged the hotel phone. When the beating stopped, he fled the scene. I passed out and woke up the next morning with no cell phone, very little money, and no ride home. I had a small black eye, bruises & cuts on my arms and legs, my hair had been ripped and my back & legs hurt so much that it was hard to walk. I guess this resulted from him kicking at me full force while I was laying defenseless on the ground.
    This story I shared with you is literally just the tip of the iceberg. These were the “good” days. The N has since been arrested for punching me in the face and injuring me very badly(he acted sorry & as if he changed up until the court date was over and after that he blamed me for what happened & made fun of his anger management classes). He’s come in and out of my life more times than I can count. I went through an abortion(I did not want to do this but the N was making comments about killing himself and he also said he would drop a dumbbell on my stomach). the N has cheated on me using online dating sites while living with me & he would surf these sites right next to me, no matter how much I did for the N it was never good enough, every single thing that went wrong in the N’s life was my somehow my fault. I endured mental abuse and physical abuse daily. I was called crazy anytime I tried to hold the N accountable for his promises or actions. The N used me for a place to live while in between jobs & I literally paid thousands of dollars for everything during this time – he promised to help me out with bills once he got back on his feet but he ended up leaving me instead(this was after he completely drained me of my finances, my career and my self-worth). The N would cause daily chaos & sometimes this happened out of nowhere when everything seemed to be going fine. Sometimes the N would cause chaos when he knew I had a deadline or right before plans that we had. Every morning the N would cuss me out & everyday he would call me a bitch. I would beg him not to call me bitch, but this seemed to provoke him to be even more severe with this. I’ve had the police called to my home for noise complaints so many times (I never had this problem without the N). I’ve had my personal belongings and decorations broken by the N. He told me that he had Hepatitis and AIDS(this prompted me to get checked at the ER because I was so nervous about it but it ended up being just another lie to mess with my head). The N controlled the way I wore my hair, how much makeup I wore. The N made me feel so self-conscious of my body that I ended up getting breast implants(I will admit that this was something I thought about before the N, but I did not feel the need to get them until I met him) – he would constantly torment me about my small chest. However, once he could no longer make fun of that he started telling me that I need to fix my face and get a nose job. He has been tormenting me about getting a nose job for over a year & he makes degrading comments about it daily. The N always expected me to drop everything and move mountains to be there for him but when it came to helping me with anything I might as well just forget it. The N constantly degraded everything about my life and my looks…. but with the flip of a switch(usually when he needed something) he would become prince charming. The N made up compulsive lies and added a lot of elaborate fictional details to true stories – I never knew what to believe(for example: he told me a really detailed story about how he was in a mental hospital eating bread when he was actually in his car eating mcdonalds). During a periods of separation he would move to a new location & I would have no clue where he was, but he would show up at my apartment anytime and without warning. During a period of separation my car was keyed during the night(he was always making jealous comments about my car).

    In the later stages of our relationship the N started playing really bad mind games with me. Weird things happened—I was locked out of my home while on my porch, my welcome mat was moved to the front door of my car, there were earmarks on the outside of the glass doors to my bedroom. It makes me sick because I think he did these things just to observe my reactions.
    Even more disturbing mind games occurred. He always had some paranoia, but he started claiming to hear voices(we lived in an apartment complex so hearing others was normal, I brushed this off). The he started tell me people were looking at him weird or cars were following him(I brushed this off too). He started telling me that he thought our neighbors were computer hackers(I think he only said this to cover up whatever he may have been doing). He started telling me that he felt there were cameras in our house. He put duct tape over our smoke alarm and various holes in the apartment (I ignored this and when I would question him about it he became really defensive). He would also tell me that he thought someone put a secret camera in my house the day I was locked out. He would talk about being on a reality TV show… he would even pretend to say advertisements randomly(I brushed this off as his odd sense of humor, but looking back this was disturbing). All of this was really sick, but so much crazy stuff was happening at once that this was not something I really had time for. I did not understand it and it made me confused. He would act crazy like this but then suddenly act normal & even deny his behavior. I really don’t know if this was a sick attempt to manipulate and control me or if he actually believed these things were happening(I don’t understand how he could be so normal one minute or so good at his job one minute and then the next minute he was trying to convince me of this crazy stuff).

    The mental and physical effects on my health & life have been very bad. During all of the times that he has come in and out of my life I’ve been able to handle it, but the last time took a toll on me….. The N and I had a period of separation (he moved away to a different state for a few months). I was devastated that he just up and left & I felt like I missed him when he was gone(we exchanged dysfunctional emails nearly every day). However, after awhile I stopped caring so much about his lengthy emails which blamed me for every single thing going wrong in his life. I was doing great at school, I was a leader in the workplace, I had my finances in order, I was healthy and taking care of my physical appearance, I was rebuilding my sense of self. When he came back he basically showed up needing help getting his life back. I thought he had finally changed this time….. wrong. He literally sucked the life out of me. As time went on there were so many dysfunctional situations happening that I could not think straight. All of my time was slowly taken away & everything became all about the N and dealing with helping the N. Daily ourbursts, putdowns, insults, mental abuse, physical abuse and then the confusion of the days where he would be temporarily acting normal made it impossible to keep my job or do well in school. Even when I tried to keep my regular routines he would ruin it. He would have outbursts about me blow drying my hair in the morning, so I stopped waking up early. Anytime I was busy with something he made sure to degrade me enough about it to the point of ruin or sabotage through chaos. Of course, it was a whole different story when the N had something of importance going on(it was like walking on eggshells). The N caused me to quit my job, made it impossible for me to interview, and ruined my classwork. He would alternate between criticizing me for not being more ambitious but then when I would be ambitious he would ruin any possibility for me to be successful. He would alternate between telling me he hoped I did well in school to telling me that he hoped I failed out of school. I stopped eating as much due to stress and anxiety and he would then call me scrawny, ugly and anorexic. I started to develop panic attacks where I could not catch my breath(this was scary for me because this never happened to me before). The N saw that I was having a panic attack and he actually tried to provoke it to become worse. While I could not breath he started taunting me about how he had sex with other women and degraded my looks. I went from having my entire life together to barely being able to get out of bed… some days I could not get out of bed. During my separation period with the N I did not drink much, if at all. I found myself drinking just to relieve the anxiety I was feeling. I was so grateful for days that I was not mentally abused and called a bitch. My only goal in life became keeping my N happy.
    When my N first came back I couldn’t tolerate his behavior and I told him to move out. Over time my N flipped the tables on me and made me feel like I needed him to live with me(even though I was paying for everything). My N even went so far as to tell me that I was holding him hostage(because when the N would threaten to move out anytime he became upset I became trained to beg him to stay).
    The N said he would marry me. He told me that this was a new start for us and that he loved me and blah blah blah. We even bought wedding rings and planned to elope. However, he kept going back and forth with the idea. He kept changing the wedding dates. Anytime he would get upset he would call the whole thing off or move it to a different date. Then there were random days when he acted as if he was sincere about it. Instead of feeling excited, I felt constantly unsure of what was happening. Anytime I questioned him about it he would make me feel like I was crazy or controlling. Anytime I wanted to talk about it he told me I was being too obsessed with it. I became so mentally destroyed by this that I would literally ask him every day if we were still getting married. I even had him write me a note, multiple notes. He would tell me to refer to the note. He started telling me that I was obsessed and had OCD. But on days when my anxiety would calm and I would not press the issue, he would find some reason to be able to call off or change our wedding plans which sent me back into this downward spiral of questions. He made me feel completely crazy. He was telling me one thing, doing another and then making me feel nuts.
    When the N made his latest exit he made it a living nightmare. He went on a business trip for a week. Things were rockier than usual the day that he left(my N completely blew up at me the day before because my parents came into town and he was refusing to go to dinner with them… our fight was so bad that police came to the house). He assured me that everything was fine and that he wanted everything to work out. He promised to Skype with me every night he was there(this had been his idea). I took him to the airport and talked with him the first night of his trip, but the Skype did not work on his end(or so he claimed). The way he was acting was odd and I guess I had a bit of anxiety and phoned him a bunch of times during the night(I admit I messed up by doing this but no one is perfect). The next day he gave me silent treatment and then accused me of cheating on him via text message & claimed to have it on video. I did not understand any of this. He gave me the silent treatment for the rest of his trip. I did not help the situation at all because I phoned him nonstop. To my defense, he taunted me that he would cheat on me during his trip, so I think my anxiety went into overdrive. He contacted me the night before he was returning home via a bizarre email. He claimed that he was in the hospital because he passed out during training(it was a really elaborate story that made no sense) & then at the end of the email he requested that I pick him up at the airport. He refused to answer the phone or explain further. I called the hospitals & this story was not true. The next day he confirmed with me to pick him up via text and he even told me that he loved me. He still refused to talk on the phone. I had a bad feeling about this & I also knew he was lying about his flight time…. so I changed my locks(I did not want any of my stuff damaged or stolen) & I tried to get to the baggage claim early. He called me while I was on my way there and he said he was waiting for me. It sounded like he was in a taxi. When I questioned him about this he told me that I am always paranoid about things… he sounded convincing. I paid for parking and walked around the baggage claim only to quickly realize I was being manipulated. I got back to my house as fast as I could. The N quickly turned into being very angry very quickly. He started degrading me and telling me that it was over and that he was moving out. He told me that he was taking control of his own life. He did not let me get a word in whatsoever & he even called the police to my house to have him escort his things out. I guess this was probably to humiliate me a bit more or maybe getting authorities involved made him feel better about himself and less of a manipulative coward. It was so sickening to watch him act like he was a victim to the police officers and even bad mouth me. I have no words to describe this type of behavior. It is even more mind boggling that he called me cussing me out on my voicemail telling me that I ruined HIS mind & he was complaining telling me it was all my fault that he was stuck in a hotel until he found a new place. Of course, when he found a place, he then proceeded to tell me about all of the women he is having sex with and how I am worthless, etc. He actually tells me that he hates me! He wronged me in so many ways, yet he is saying he hates me? It all makes me feel really sick.
    To add to this….the night after he left I found a bunch of spyware linked to his name on my computer and phone. He changed our network name/setting right before he went on his trip and it was really odd. Since he moved out I decided to change it altogether and when I did this I uncovered the files. This made me freak out and actually get scared, because I started thinking back on all of the weird things that happened which made all of this made sense(of course I could never figure it out at the time it was happening because the N kept me constantly confused). This is when my anxiety really began to kick in. I started getting nervous about why he would do this. I started having flashbacks of all the times he tormented me at my other apartment by basically controlling me from afar and stalking my whereabouts. I started thinking of all the violent things he did to me and things he said. I thought of al the manipulation I was put through. I’ve always been a strong person, but something about what he did to me this time completely broke me down. Once what he did started to set in, I was flooded with thoughts and confusion. While he was with me there were also so many crazy things going that he was causing coupled with physical and mental abuse…. I was never really acknowledging it. I was just trying to live it day by day and just as I was trying to make sense of one thing, something else would happen. Well, everything now started to hit me like a ton of bricks. I went into a complete state of panic unlike anything I ever felt before. Any of the fears that I had about him physically hurting me, stalking my apartment or hurting my car multiplied times a million. What makes this even worse is that I truly do believe he was lingering outside of my house and messing with me the night I went into this breakdown(I actually had proof he was following me that night from witnesses & proof that he had been around the apartment because his car that he was to pick up had been moved around at random hours). However, as all of this was happening, I was flooded with fear. All I could think of was him being outside of my house with a gun or outside of my house waiting to kill me. I was literally in fear of my life. I called police to my house and I ended up driving around the rest of the night in complete fear(the sick thing is that he actually was following me around during this time). I literally found myself hiding in a McDonald’s bathroom for a few hours because I was afraid to go back to my apartment. I never experienced such a fear before, I was literally afraid that he was going to kill me. As I was leaving McDonalds I was questioning my own sanity and trying to tell myself that I was overreacting. The manager approached me and told me that a man fitting Josh’s description came in looking for me and my car. I felt so sick when I heard these words. I was scared to go home even though it was complete daylight. I started to feel that he was there waiting for me and waiting to hurt me. When I questioned him about his car being moved or about him being at the McDonald’s he acted like he had no idea what I was talking about. It honestly makes me ill because I truly think he was purposely trying to make me have a mental breakdown. It also scares me because if he is willing to go that far, then what else will he do to ensure he hurts my life?
    I have been taking my life day by day. I am trying to recover and regain my health and life back. Luckily my family has been there for me. However, this whole thing just makes me uneasy. I don’t know if he had it planned from the start to mess with me like this or not. I also don’t understand why he is doing this and when it will be enough for him. I try not to show him any weakness because it seems like my pain gives him energy… it is all very sick.

  3. My narcisistic ex just admitted to me that he didn’t love me and he hates himself and he is a horrible person and there is something wrong with him.

  4. I know it hurts joeclyde but I’m a bit of an insomniac so you won’t be seen today or any other day on here. And once again I know it’s hard for you to believe as bm troll but this really isn’t about you. Everyone knows my ex-husband is white and I’m not talking about all bm, do you read? LOL what am I thinking, of course, you don’t you read, you just rant. And I’ll do anything on here I like this is my blog and it’s a dictatorship, I know it makes you sad you can’t intimidate me but too bad. bye!

  5. The little one is my biggest concern but, yes, not having kids with a NPD is a blessing! I would love to never ever ever see or talk to my ex again either. The best I can hope for is that he finds another victim and that isn’t that great from her standpoint, lol.

  6. Lol…I feel you on the troll turd Gollum smack down! There can be no room for someone like him. Allowing someone with no boundaries is asking for a bigger turd later.

    Back on point…..your post was so on point! Since there are so many facets to the crazy, it will be like an unraveling. The stealthy way the NPD/SPD sneak into the back door is why laying it ALL out there is important. I wasted too many years not “seeing”all the pieces until one day the puzzle was thrown all together in my lap with a big bow around it. Seriously!

    I agree that I am not going to feel guilty or stupid in believing that the facade was actually who he was. These skills are honed from childhood. Who would want to believe that someone would live through someone else to create who they are? I realized that the life I created was only an object to brag about but not one he lived. It is so weird how he would brag about EVERYTHING and almost literally hate on it privately. It truly has to be an illness.

    The blessing for me was that in all of his hidden crazy, I ACTUALLY was living a good life outside of him. What I created for myself and children WAS real. He just wasn’t. I take ZERO responsibility for that. In fact, he really missed out on living as well as I did in terms of peace and enjoying life.

    Keep ’em coming!

    • That’s what they do they talk and really praise a person one moment and the next moment they talk badly about the same person. I didn’t understand it either, it was nothing I could do to another person so it never occurred to me that someone would do it to me especially my husband. But I truly believed by the end of our marriage my husband actually hated me. At first when it was over, I wished him well, I really did feel kind of bad for him but after reading these books I don’t feel bad now. I don’t feel bad at all for him. Yes they hone these in childhood, it’s a way for them to survive and they don’t know anything else. Oh I wish ppl would get some parenting skills and stop raising these effed up ppl that other ppl have to live with and suffer with. SMH. The thing is I had a good life outside my ex-husband too but the life with him was torture. He tried to come back around here recently, they do that it’s called fishing, they need narcissistic supply so they’ll go back to folks they figure they can depend on to give it, hmpf, not me. In a love relationship you have cut all ties with the narcissist if you can and keep them very minimal b/c they are always looking for narcissistic supply i.e. ppl to feed their false self and narcissism.

      • “But I truly believed by the end of our marriage my husband actually hated me.” I thought that at first. Then I realized he really hated himself more and me for not “feeding” him after realizing what he was doing. His mother is a piece of work but, that is another story. She created this monster and he fed it with his deceptions.

        My ex is “fishing”and very pissed because he can’t understand my very detached responses to even the slightest subjects. How dare I not see how great he is! To do this and not have a man hiding in the wings seems to baffle him too, lol.

        • Yea at this point I know he hated himself, all NPDs hate themselves, but he hated me too b/c I couldn’t give him what his narcissism needed. I’m not concerned about him hating him, not really surprised after figuring out all this. I also think he hated me because he was jealous of me. I was a whole person, happy, complete, me being able to go on and make a happy life for myself just killed him. It all starts with the mother with men and with women it can either start with the mother or father but for some reason with men it starts with the mother. You guys have kids together, so you have to stay in some contact but yea he’s pissed you won’t feed his narcissism. That’s what they believe, you should feel privileged that they even speak to you, they hate to have their false self challenged. I’m sure he’s doing things to try to devalue you, watch out with the kids, they will use their children. I thank sweet baby Jesus I didn’t have a baby with my ex, because I never have to see him ever again in life and if I don’t it see him it will be too soon LOL.

    • I hate to have to curse but nothing is more un-manly than the sniveling troll that lurks and slinks around like a slimy worm, like Gollum on LOTR. It does nothing but make me respect them less, not that I had any respect for them in the first place. But going to negative respect is just bad LOL.

  7. This is a reply to joeclyde the NPD that tries to haunt black women’s websites, no I wasn’t talking about all black men. I never said all black men but since I know you have selective reading skills. I’m talking about bm like YOU, who come onto black women’s sites that have nothing to with you nor do they speak to you. I don’t give a hell about you in particular, you’re a bug but you won’t come here and try to intimidate or victimize my readers. Do that shit somewhere else. Yes men like you are NPD because as I said above, you have no boundaries, you don’t know what they are and feel you should be able to interject yourself into anything when it has nothing to do with you. I’m talking about the bm whose moms may emotionally sexually abuse them, I don’t know what happened to you but I’m thinking it was something close. The fact is any man can be a NPD black, white, Asian, Indian never said they couldn’t. I would say I just threw all NPD men under the bus, exactly where they belong. To tell the truth I don’t know what you’re mad about if anyone should be mad it should be my ex-husband because I’m describing him perfectly unless, of course, you’re mad because I’m describing you. Get some therapy you weirdo and stay off my blog.

    • Men like JC are always lurking. Is there anywhere bw can speak freely without worrying about backlash from sensitive bm interjecting themselves into every topic? I never visit bm sites and I could care less about what they are discussing. The behavior is really sick.

      • I know they lurk, that’s all they’re going to do here is lurk. I know others let them speak to show newbies about them but I’m not one of those people. No so-called man is gonna sneak on here during the night, he did this at 4 am in the morning and try to intimidate me. Really they’re not men, they’re roaches b/c only roaches come out and do their dirty work in the middle of the night. No one pushes agendas on my blog site but me! It’s going to stay that way. Only a punk-ass would do stuff in the night, if you’re gonna do something be a real man do it in the light of day. Punk-ass mofos LOL.

  8. Knowledge is power!!!! I could never go down that NPD road again;-) You’ve given me the courage to talk about something that I witnessed last year when I went to the east coast to visit my nephew and ex sister in law. I got up in the middle of the night to go in her room and chat (girl talk) like we normally did in the middle of the night. I sat on the bed and out pops my 6’3 15 yr old nephew in his drawers!!!! I never said anything to anyone about that incident, but I’m still bothered by it. He’s too old to be sleeping in his mom’s bed! And I know that this is going to end bad b/c he’s having trouble in school.

    • Yea that’s not appropriate, not appropriate at all and some poor woman will suffer because of it and he’ll suffer because of it. How do people not understand how inappropriate it is to have a pre-pubescent child in the bed with sleeping on the regular.

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