The Myth of the Shy White Guy

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I’m going to say this and I know it may upset some women but this dude don’t exist, he’s figment of women’s wild imagination. Just another way not to feel rejected. I know I look kind of crazy but was 2 in the morning and I had to get this vlog out quick, fast and hurry. Excuse my late night look but I gotta tell it on this one.

30 thoughts on “The Myth of the Shy White Guy”

  1. Well my soon to be boyfriend admitted he was shy about approaching black women cause they have blown him off in the past. If you remember on Alee’s blog, I was talking about him non stop cause I was so attracted to him and wanted to talk to him. Finally all it took was a wave and he finally took the bait and has initiated everything from the first date to pretty much every phone call since. I fully agree that when you start initiating things early on it does set you up for emotional abuse or at the very least to be taken for granted and neglected. You have to appear to be the prize that needs to be won. Its just the way it is. If you ask him out first, he already knows he’s won you and then he becomes the prize and your doing all the work. Subconsciously he starts to see the woman as of lesser value and ends up treating her like crap. Ive seen that happen too many times. Even so called “nice guys” start acting like the jerk when the woman puts herself in that position. Its not worth it. I wont have any problems doing more initiating once were exclusive but not yet and white guys are not anymore shy than black men are (generally speaking). Their approach may not be as in your face but that does not mean they are mostly shy and even when they are shy, unless he has some kinda severe social phobia, they do what they need to do to get what and who they want. If his fear of black women is that bad, like you said he shouldnt be dating us.

    • I’m so happy it all turned out well for you Jessica and you did the right thing. All this talk of blk women initiating conversation is ridiculous. Now if the bw is sitting over somewhere and he looks at her and she doesn’t smile, no I wouldn’t take the chance. But I really don’t get all the fear and trepidation when the woman is actually open, like you, you smiled, you waved that’s enough. If he don’t get it, that’s his loss not yours. I know it probably tough to rejected for your friend by those other women but you know you he was smart, he got over it, saw another attractive bw who looked open to conversation and did it and look he gets the prize, you. In turn, you get to cherished and treated as a woman as all women should be. I’m sure when your relationship reaches it’s next level, you’ll treat him great b/c you appreciate that he acted as a man and treated you as woman.

  2. I just found your video and thanks a lot for it. I feel the exact same way, but it is hard to express in the BWE and IR blog movements because so many of the women have White/other men pegged as their “saviors from Black men”. Black women ARE dating “other” men just like they do Black men: simply FLATTERED AND HAPPY for attention. I don’t know where to start, but I believe its a cycle that was started hundred of years ago in the Black community. Generation and generation of unloved Black women and girls being brought up being taught they aren’t pretty nor valuable unless they are light skinned with good hair………..so the moment any man gives them a “smigeon” of his time, our panties melt off like hot cakes……20 and 30 something Black women have even convinced themselves that they are happy with FWB realtionships (mostly w/ black men mind) you because they know THAT’S ALL THEY GONNA GET. As the saying goes “Jimmy didn’t want corn b/c he didn’t have none”. How do you fix this, I don’t know? I believe the majority of dating age Black women are on Twitter and bossip and not part of the BWE movement. And they’ll keep having the OOW babies with Black men, and more generations of unwanted & unloved Black baby girls will continue to be born………

    • Well I do my best to tell my nieces that they’re loved and special and worthy of the best in life and in a mate. I don’t know what’s going to happen to the poor little girls still living in bad circumstances. I hope somewhere they hear how much they are loved and worth getting the hell out of bad homes with unloving toxic ppl.

  3. Oh no…not the shy white guy myth again!!! Every white guy that was interested in me (coworkers, classmates, etc) knew how to get my attention….they flirted. I was shocked a little at first b/c I had never considered the idea of dating i/r back then. But looking back, they did what all guys do when they are interested….they talk to you! I would be turned off by a guy that was too shy to say anything or make eye contact…..too creepy/weird:)

    • I’m still not understanding why I should jump through hoops of fire b/c a guy can’t figure out hot to get the tools to get over his shyness. I did, he can too. My husband did, I’m sorry no calculated risk, no reward. That’s life.

  4. Hi Eugenia,

    I just wanted to drop a line on your blog. I am Purple Butterfly over at Beyond Black & White. I love, love this video and really appreciate you doing this. It really is what I’ve been struggling over as I am getting back into the dating scene after going through a divorce. But I’m realizing that just as my ex, who happened to be a wm took a step toward me, I’m sure that another one will do the same. Desperation seeps off of a woman and men totally know that so they can prey, even in creative ways like the ‘shy type’.

    • I’m so tired of desperate women and the men who are trying to hide behind that mess like a couple over ther e on the blog, it’s making me sick and sad. Black women are humiliating themselves, flaunting their bodies all over FB pages just some freak that wouldn’t take a bw out for a McDonald’s hamburger can get his jollies off her. She’s just eating it up like ice cream b/c she’s lacking so much self-esteem. But I knew this would happen I knew that when bw started opening themselves up to dating outside their race, which is great in and of itself, but many would come with the baggage and vetting skills they used in the bc. Now they’re using them in IR so they’re getting in the same type of man only of a different race, face, and name. SMH. You know what’s really crazy I think about this shy guy thing and the dude is saying yes we can be shy as Wm but instead of saying hey wm y’all man up and ask these beautiful bw you want to date out be like you are w/ other women, no he blames the bw for appearing too tough and intimidating and we’re ordered to once again to adjust ourselves so shy Wm can feel ok. He blames the bw for the wm’s shortcomings in asking us out and hints we need to do something about it. Oh I’m so done.

      • That’s why I stopped commenting. I was finished. You know we as black women have been told for so long that we are not enough by everyone. From the media to your own family, black women haven’t been enough. It is such a beautiful thing to be open to dating across culture and race, but that doesn’t mean you suddenly have to become this different person either. Sorry but not going to change the color of my skin and the perceptions and stereotypes that come unjustly with that. A man seeing me as who I am and still taking a step toward me shows me personally that he’s about more AND that if he can take that chance then he can stand with me when people like his own family and friends that might not approve stand against us. If he sees my skin color as intimidating then trust me he can walk on. I always have a smile on my face and have always been soft. It’s the type of person I am. So for me personally I see that as an excuse. If a wm can step to a Kardashian type and still survive that then they sure as hell can step to a bw.

        • You know long ago on BB&W we had one of contributors a good one say that same thing. Black women are enough, why we feel the need to try to be like other women. A blogging pal of mine Zabeth wrote this wonderful blog on why black are enough http://www.interracialdatingcoach.com/2011/07/we-aint-them.html. I say check it out, just be you. You know I’m a wonderful women with a lot to give to a man, I’m smart, good looking, loyal, compassionate, giving, supportive and encouraging, funny, and I’m a great wife. When I met my husband the first time and hadn’t shown interest in him, I would have understood him moving on to another woman. But I liked him so as he showed interest in me, I showed interest in him. That’s how we ended up married. I didn’t have to jump threw hoops of fire to do it.

  5. I love your post and I can say that you are right many men have game! As a white woman who has dated a black man his game with me was telling me his culture (Jamaican-Canadian) did not believe in using the term “girlfriend” unless they were practically married. How foolish was I to fall for that sh*t. I also have dated the wolf in sheep’s clothing (he was white) and I was amazed to find out this geek was an absolute player and was not capable of being faithful if is life depended on it. Your right women (of all races) need to stop being desperate and handing out the “pussy” like napkins at a ribs joint.

    I am so happy to tell you I am now married to the epitome of nice guy (I was pretty much his firs GF) and he treats me like gold to this day. We have been married 1.5 yrs and together since 2006.

    I also want to add I have seen many of my white gal pals pushing themselves on men in the same pathetic desperate way you are talking about so this is an all race issue.

    • Hi Angela, you’re right this is an all race issue. I always say, we attract who we are and when women act desperate and thirsty for men you’ll find a man to fill that thirst not how you’d like but he’ll do it. There are creeps roaming around looking for these types of women, they’re trying to find them so they can use and abuse them. I suggest if you’re going to be lonely do it on the downlow. Stop doing it in public.

  7. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

    It’s just as simple as you put it. And look, there are probably more shy men out there than most of us realize… but if you ask most of the involved/married ones how they ended up with their girlfriends/wives, they will say that they took a chance and asked them out on a date.

    My husband is talkative with ME, but his co-workers told me he’s really very quiet and kind of reserved around them. I would have never guessed that… but see, he decided he wanted ME and that brought out a different side of him.

    I’m about tired of these 30+, 40+ white guys moaning and groaning about how they don’t know how to ask out black women, despite the fact they’re around black women all the time. It’s rather insulting and I don’t know why more black women don’t see it that way versus thinking they need to “help” him because he might be shy or might not “understand” that he’s acting the wrong way or whatever.

    Look people, if he likes you, he’ll make the effort. If he’s not interested, he won’t. It’s that simple. Stop making it more complicated than that.

    • Hey Bunny I’m glad you caught it and yes your husband is like mine. He’s super talkative with me but shy with everyone else but yes he contacted me, he dated me, we talked I didn’t have to pursue him at all. I didn’t have to run him down. I just think we’re just ‘othering’ ourselves when we do this and it doesn’t make us look special. It makes us look desperate and needy. It makes men lazy when they know you’re willing to do all the work, it just sets us up for failure, heartbreak and the opportunity to get used. I’m over at BB&W and lurker question day and a woman is over there talking about her fwb and how to make him bf. I just said it, he’s not going to be your bf. Me and FEQ trying to drop knowledge, she don’t want to hear it. We’re both saying stop fucking him and reset yourself and start dating somebody else. She’s insistent it’s all good, the penis so good she got to have it but she’ll be able to handle it. Sounds like a alcoholic yea I can quit when I want, well if you haven’t already quit when you know this will never be a relationship then you can’t quit. I let it go she’ll have to deal with them consequences. She thinks she can date other men while fucking another one, really! I’m done with the dumb bw. She has to have him so she’s gonna give it up (another way to chase men) until he’s convinced.

    • “Look people, if he likes you, he’ll make the effort. If he’s not interested, he won’t. It’s that simple. Stop making it more complicated than that.”

      Well said and so very true. Guys like the challenge and chase more than we think.

  8. I’m not particularly religious, but I couldn’t help thinking of a certain, concise saying while watching this: “Rejection is God’s protection.”

    The tricky thing I’ve noticed is men hardly ever outright reject a woman, but they do it subtly with lots of passive aggressiveness. When a man isn’t stepping up, it can be considered a rejection. When someone is sitting back, they are taking what they can get from you while you actively pursue them. What they are really saying is, “you’re not what I really want, but as long as you remain pleasant, I can benefit from this/have fun and I don’t find with my real dream woman, I’ll keep you around.” In other words, a rejection (in the long run). Once you learn to see anything less than stepping up as a rejection, it truly becomes 10x easier to decipher ALL men’s behavior. This type of thing knows no race, age, creed, etc.

    Stop aiming for the “placeholder” status.

    • Exactly Valerie when a man doesn’t pursue you all he does is look it’s a rejection and yes it’s for your protection. I want bw stop trying to make men love them it’s not going to work. It never works, you know there may be a handful of women that pursued a man and got somewhere but it’s so slight why put yourself in that dangerous spot. Because yes you open your self up to get used. Yes men will keep women around till they want shows up, I’ve seen this with my own two eyes.

  9. Go Eugenia!! Love this post. It’s been a while since I’ve been on so I have to get caught up on your blog but bravo. Sometimes I wonder why some black women act like white men are aliens. Like there is a certain way to talk to him or something. He’s just a man. All men like to take the lead and every woman should let him. I’m old school…I’m not asking any guy out. If he likes me then he will make the first move otherwise he wasn’t worth it.

    • I don’t know what’s wrong with us, we need to stop. Stop putting up with getting gamed. I’m seeing it more and more as I puruse various BWE sites, it’s always some white dude on there saying how he’s just so shy and he don’t know how to ask out bw or bw saying how to approach a wm. I’ll say it again, this is how you approach a wm, you don’t.

    • If there’s a dog like that out there I have yet to see him LOL. You know what it is to me, we ‘other’ ourselves when we accept wm’s description of how they just don’t know how to approach us or we approach them b/c we think they’re scared. I did it long time ago when I was young, young and it never works for you only against you.

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