A few weeks ago as my husband and I laid out on our sectional watching some random television I looked at him. He was sideways to me so he didn’t notice me watching me. I smiled to myself and just thanked God once again for having such a wonderful partner. He has been such a blessing, but as I thought of him and our marriage I felt a tinge of regret. I never ever thought I wanted children being a diabetic can make the process of pregnancy challenging to say the least. So I always thought it wasn’t for me and really in my first marriage it was less the disease and more the fact that in my heart and mind I never wanted to have children with my first husband. Even if we’d been capable of doing so, I still wouldn’t have done it. My chronic disease was just a good excuse not to, not that he wanted children himself. So no big loss on either of our parts. But as I looked at Matt I started to regret the lost time. I say this a lot and realize it more and more as i get older and it’s true, when time is gone you can never get it back. One of the reasons I write this blog and I’m so candid about some of my mistakes is because I don’t want anyone to go through what I went through, if I have to put my story out there as a warning I’ll do it. Maybe some of my mess can be a good message.
I think Matt would make an awesome Dad and I’d probably make a pretty bitching mom but when we met I was 37 years old and now I’m 40 years old and still a person with a chronic disease. I suddenly got so angry at myself for wasting all those great years of potential child-bearing with my jerk of an ex-husband. Now it probably still would have been a challenge to be pregnant then but it’s like a super challenge now. I say this as a warning when picking a mate, do so carefully. If I had been more careful and wiser I don’t know if I’d picked my ex. And although my previous marriage taught me so much, I do regret the waste of time. I’ve always disliked wasting time, it’s just so dang precious. At this point Matt and I are thinking very seriously about having a baby but there are a lot factors that make this a difficult decision and not one we can take a lot of time with. My age is one, my health is another both of those are potential risk factors for the child and myself. I started to cry as I thought about the fact that maybe my opportunity to be a mom had passed me by. We’ve talked about surrogates but need to investigate that also. But if it had not been for the wasted time, I wouldn’t have to face this difficult challenge and decision. I don’t know what’s going to happen, there’s doctors to consult with and I’m still praying about this decision. The best I can say to you ladies is try your darnedest to pick carefully and right the first time because those things matter in the long run and a bad decision made in your early years can have long lasting adverse effects. It’s sad to think about and it’s the only real thing that I’ve ever had deep regret about. I sure wish I didn’t.