I Regret Nothing, Well Maybe I Regret One Thing

A few weeks ago as my husband and I laid out on our sectional watching some random television I looked at him. He was sideways to me so he didn’t notice me watching me. I smiled to myself and just thanked God once again for having such a wonderful partner. He has been such a blessing, but as I thought of him and our marriage I felt a tinge of regret. I never ever thought I wanted children being a diabetic can make the process of pregnancy challenging to say the least. So I always thought it wasn’t for me and really in my first marriage it was less the disease and more the fact that in my heart and mind I never wanted to have children with my first husband. Even if we’d been capable of doing so, I still wouldn’t have done it. My chronic disease was just a good excuse not to, not that he wanted children himself. So no big loss on either of our parts. But as I looked at Matt I started to regret the lost time. I say this a lot and realize it more and more as i get older and it’s true, when time is gone you can never get it back. One of the reasons I write this blog and I’m so candid about some of my mistakes is because I don’t want anyone to go through what I went through, if I have to put my story out there as a warning I’ll do it. Maybe some of my mess can be a good message.

I think Matt would make an awesome Dad and I’d probably make a pretty bitching mom but when we met I was 37 years old and now I’m 40 years old and still a person with a chronic disease. I suddenly got so angry at myself for wasting all those great years of potential child-bearing with my jerk of an ex-husband. Now it probably still would have been a challenge to be pregnant then but it’s like a super challenge now. I say this as a warning when picking a mate, do so carefully. If I had been more careful and wiser I don’t know if I’d picked my ex. And although my previous marriage taught me so much, I do regret the waste of time. I’ve always disliked wasting time, it’s just so dang precious. At this point Matt and I are thinking very seriously about having a baby but there are a lot factors that make this a difficult decision and not one we can take a lot of time with. My age is one, my health is another both of those are potential risk factors for the child and myself. I started to cry as I thought about the fact that maybe my opportunity to be a mom had passed me by. We’ve talked about surrogates but need to investigate that also. But if it had not been for the wasted time, I wouldn’t have to face this difficult challenge and decision. I don’t know what’s going to happen, there’s doctors to consult with and I’m still praying about this decision. The best I can say to you ladies is try your darnedest to pick carefully and right the first time because those things matter in the long run and a bad decision made in your early years can have long lasting adverse effects. It’s sad to think about and it’s the only real thing that I’ve ever had deep regret about. I sure wish I didn’t.

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28 thoughts on “I Regret Nothing, Well Maybe I Regret One Thing

      • It’s only because you are LOVED!! We’re a sisterhood, and we want the best for you and your dear husband. I’ve suffered two miscarriages, the second one with twins, so I understand what it’s like to have to come to grips with certain realities. Even so, I live my life looking forward and encourage you to do the same. As much as you regret some aspects of the past, those experiences helped to forge you into the woman you are today. Face the future with courage and hope, knowing that your life and times are in the hands of a loving God.

  1. Hey E, you know I’m not super religious but there’s one thing I know…all things are possible. You are in a good position in terms of steady income, steady, stress-free homelife and good health care. You would make an awesome mom, and I hope that if you do indeed decide to conceive, that everything goes without a hitch. Lots of diabetic women have healthy births and pregnancies. I’m rooting for Eugenia Jr.!!

    • You know Chris I love you, I really do and although I don’t get over to BB&W you know you’ll always have a loyal friend in me. I’m so glad you are getting the word out to more and more bw about self-interest and self-esteem and self-survival. I wrote this b/c I like you want bw to be alive in the fullest sense. Time is so valuable and wasting it on ppl and things that give you nothing in return should be a sin. You don’t have to be religious with me, I’m not religious I’m just a believer and that shapes my life. Shapes what I do here, if anyone gets anything from this blog I want it to be ‘think deeply about your time in making choices about who you let into your life, it matters.’

  2. Thanks for your honesty. I too, look back at the time that I wasted on “nothing”…but, I can smile because I know that I never want to repeat those mistakes again. I’m happy that you and Matt found one another and I pray that God fulfils your desires.

    • Thank you, we got a lot questions we need answered. But I really wanted to share the importance of being cognizant of your time and not taking it for granted. We do not have an eternity on this earth.

  3. Thank you again for being so upfront and honest, truth is if we humans told each other the truth and especially if little black girls are taught and guided carefully particularly on choosing men it would allay a LOT of the issues going on.
    Remember Roslyn Hardy Holcombe? She used to comment a lot on BBW but not for a long while now. I enjoy her perspective and humour & follow her blog. Well she had a second child at (I think) 48 after years of trying. She had health conditions and was, I believe, pre-diabetic but she changed her diet, lifestyle and went on to have a healthy son. It’s doable though I fully appreciate the risks being Diabetic but I’ll tell you this, Eugenia- you will not be the first 40 something Diabetic Mum. Your doctors will keep a closer eye on you and the little one but YES it can be done. You know what? Just go for it. I pray it works out for you and Matt.
    DidiO

    • I wish we would share more of our truths. I tell my nieces, it’s not always pretty b/c yes I have mistakes but I also like to share what I did right. Each of those truths have to be told. To tell the truth, me being older is more of a risk than being a diabetic. I wish I’d had enough sense not to make some choices. There’s a group of diabetic women on the Internet that support each other through this process, I got a lot to do. I’ve been doing a bunch of research so I’ll have questions for the doctor. I really got a little ways to go but I know if it’s supposed to happen it will happen. I read Roslyn’s blog as she went thru her pregnancy journey and yes, she’s got that beautiful baby boy now. So don’t be surprised if I come back with some news in a few months.

  4. Wow, I wasn’t expecting this. Thank you for being so honest and raw… I think the big lesson here for all is the importance of time, and not wasting it on the wrong people! You don’t have to spend years learning a lesson!

    I’ll pray for a positive resolution to you and Matt’s baby hopes and dreams!

    • I wasn’t expecting this either but there’s something about our love that just makes the idea of having a baby very natural. I don’t know how to explain it but it just seems right. You know I’m always telling people ‘time is not forever’ we just don’t have eternity here. I don’t think I realized that in my 20s but I realize now, that fact is making itself known hard and fast. I don’t always think young women think about thst. Like Cher said above, many of us spend our 20s chasing after fools that have no intention on getting caught. Trying to convince emotionally unavailable ppl we’re worthy of love. I don’t want any other young bw to reach her 40th b-day and look back with this kind of regret. Thank you for the well wishes, whatever happens baby or no baby that’s what is supposed to happen. I’ll be okay with however it turns out.

  5. I applaud your for not being a child into this world when you weren’t in a good relationship. Who knows the effect that could have had on your child. And you could always look into adoption. There are so many kids out there that need and deserve a good home. Best to you and your husband.

    • We’ve talked about adoption but my husband would like to have his own child, but once we figure out if that’s doable or not the adoption conversation will probably come up again. I have nothing against adoption it is a viable option for me. Yes, I was not going to bring a poor child into the world to try to ‘fix’ my broken marriage. Poor kid comes into the world and they’re already working.

  6. Indeed…Kick myself for wasting my 20’s running behind a bunch of garbage. Now at an advanced maternal age, there are factors which would impact myself and a baby if I were to be pregnant.

    • It is what it is. I think about a lot of things besides just carrying the child. I think about an older parent and a potential burden on the child as an adult. All those things come into play.

  7. *hugs* wow, I’ve had the same feelings. This is my 2nd marriage & I felt that if I’d chosen more wisely the 1st time(I was 18 then) maybe I could have started my family earlier and not been so old & frazzled w/young children? lolz. OTOH I had no control over timing/fate… Even if I’d met my husband earlier by some miracle, our age difference(8 years) would’ve been a real eyebrow-raiser back then. I’dve been in an orange jumpsuit or something. not cool. lolz When we married I did feel pressure to get started really soon and kinda missed out on that whole newlywed “Dharma & Greg” phase. πŸ˜› So there’s my bit of regret.

    We just have to work out life from where we are & the ‘what ifs’ and regrets can maybe serve as advice/examples for others? 2 of our kids were “advanced maternal age” babies and they’re fine. Surrogacy, adoption are possibilities if doctors feel it’s too much for your body. Really do your research(i’m sure you are already) and talk to as many professionals(allopathic *and* ‘alternative’, IMO) as you can, …we’re at a point in medical history where so much is possible. Try to balance your fears w/facts & optimism and just do your best. BTW, I have family & friends who found their true loves early and married much younger but for whatever mysterious reasons weren’t able to have bio-children. I do think that some streams of life are beyond our control and that we have to get calm & solve the puzzles from the pieces we have in front of us. gosh, i hope this makes sense. lol ❀ ~K

    • Hello there FEQ, I’ve missed you. I’m sorry I sucked at keeping in touch but I’m glad you commented. Your positive nature makes me feel better. You know you’re comment about if you’d met your hubby back in the day. I must agree I was singularly stupid in my 20s so if I’d met Matt then I probably would have overlooked them. And yes, I can do nothing about the fickle hand of fate. So after we investigate every alternative send even if we decide not to have kids, we’ll have each other. I can’t be mad about that. I must come to the Bay Area and see you soon.

  8. HI Eugenia,

    Don’t be sad or beat yourself up about it! Keep praying and I am sure it will work out for the both of you! Best of Luck to you two!

    • Thank you Sherice. I really try not to beat myself up. The time is gone and it’s never coming back. We’ll see what we can do. All things are possible with God, I know that for sure.

  9. (((Big Hug)))

    I was just having a conversation the other day along the lines of why I would want someone to be honest with me about the choices I make in my life. Because if you learn without having to make them, how is that bad?

    I still boggle at the selfishness of some persons of actively encouraging other black women to ruin their lives. Needless to say, I put such persons and their philosophies out of my mental and emotional reach.

    Thanks very much for this candid revelation. I don’t doubt that whatever you both decide to do, you will be blessed in your lives and in your marriage.

    Have a great day. πŸ™‚

    • I don’t trust people that give advice but there is no background, I don’t need to know everything but I need to able to trust you know what you’re talking about. I know my advice don’t work for everyone and that’s okay but I’m sure someone can gain from what I’ve experienced good and bad.

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