What if He Has No Father?

I’ve been thinking about what to write all weekend long and finally came up with this, particularly after Father’s Day. I’ve been thinking about my dad a lot lately, missing him he was such a good dad and although he passed when I was nine years old, he left a legacy for me and my brothers. My brothers are good dads, pretty good husbands but would they be that if they hadn’t had my dad.

I know you’re wondering about the title, am I going to say if this is a good or bad idea. Well, I don’t like beating around the bush, I’m going to give the idea of marrying or dating a man who has no relationship with his father, a big NO! Why you might ask. Well, I’m no psychologist I’ve said that before, I just observe and when I observe I see patterns and in this case the pattern I see is not good. Boys need a dad, I don’t care if the mom and dad are divorced or separated, that child still needs a close relationship with his father. How do you know what a man is, how a man does things, if you’ve never closely observed one. Even if a father is deceased, like in the case of my dad, they are usually close familial bonds with other men in the family like uncles, grandfathers, cousins and even my dad’s navy buddies that made up for the loss of my dad. In many cases with men raised in single mother households where the father is totally absent, the guy is raised exclusively by women. I’m not saying anything bad about women or single mothers, I’m saying an absent father can cause a lot of trauma for a boy growing up. Some of that trauma from abandonment can be doled out onto women in the form of emotional, verbal, or physical abuse. It may not happen but why take the chance. I know it may seem harsh to tell women not to date or marry men who have no relationship with their dads but really the ones who have a relationship are bad enough sometimes, why stack the whole deck against yourself. I know single moms it may be harsh to hear, but no I wouldn’t condone nor recommend that my beautiful nieces date a guy with no dad. I know it’s not always your fault but unless he’s had some serious therapy for the issues that the emotional abuse of abandonment can cause, I’m gonna give that possible pairing a big hell naw! I have a husband who has a great dad and husband, which is one of the reasons he’s a great husband and why I’m thinking about making him a father. But without that, we wouldn’t have even dated, less known got married. I try to live in the real world, in fantasy land no matter how you were raised everyone comes out fine. In the real world there are some fucked up people, be on the look out for them.

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9 thoughts on “What if He Has No Father?

  1. To Sn oh you’re so sad and pathetic I’m so sorry no one loves you. Looks like you’re dad didn’t either or you wouldn’t be hateful. And I’m so sorry to tell you I’m happily married and loved and supported by many, husband, mom, brothers, nieces, nephews, friends, and yea my daddy too (may he rest in peace). And black I certainly am and proud of it, ugly on the other hand is a matter of opinion and since you’ve hidden your face and identity, I figure you have no room to talk. Ladies, there’s a bully here but you know how I handle them. Everyday bm y’all proving me right. EVERY. DAMN. DAY.

    Spammers have fun here is the email Smujdzic@yahoo.com and the IP address 99.100.41.239, man one day you nitwits will learn.

  2. I’m late on this one, but I wanted to respond.

    While I never ruled out a man who didn’t grow up with his father, I did notice that my better relationships were with men who were raised by fathers, even if the parents divorced at a certain point. The men with fathers did not need to be taught that there are certain expectations they have in a relationship, nor did they expect their girlfriends/wives to handle the heavy lifting (pun somewhat intended) in a relationship. I could have something broken in my home and before I could even say anything, my boyfriend (now husband) had it handled. There was always more of a learning curve in this sense from the fatherless guys — and sometimes, they didn’t even want to be bothered.

    On a more important note though than just fixing things, in my experience, men who have seen their fathers and mothers living together under a marital umbrella are more likely to understand the importance of being a good husband in general and what that entails.

    • I didn’t completely x fatherless men off my list, although most of the men I met parents were still married. They could be divorced or a father may have passed but as I said at least that person had consistent contact with a man, b/c they visited dad or had men their families like my brothers. I know my mom is thankful after my dad passed we all had other men in our family to look up to, she knew she couldn’t raise boys alone. She put my little brother in the Boy Scouts & the troop leader was a close family friend. Bit yes the tragedy is that w/ single moms who have no contact w/ their child’s father you get men raised exclusively by women, not good.

  3. I believe if single moms get a mentor for their sons, it could work. but you have to watch for the Sanduskies..boys today in 2012 are at least 3 generations deep in dysfunctional families; if you count the late 60s as the beginning of the dysfunction. They are becomming passive/Aggresive and dont know how to treat women. passive/AGGRSSIVE boys/men will be passive because they dont know what to do with the positive male energy; like take control when needed and be responsible aggressive comes out because they are frustrated and would take it out on the nearest woman negatively (most of modern black community;expecting women to fight for them and then taking it out on them when they do)

    • That’s the big issue, luckily my brothers had family and close family friends of my dad to step in when my dad passed. But yes you can find a mentor but you have the need to avoid Sanduskys, many moms are just too frightened so they don’t do the mentor at all or too overwhelmed with the tiredness of being a single mom they don’t pay close enough attention to who is paying too much attention to their child.

      Yes, since many boys don’t have anybody but they need someone to attach to as an example of a male, it’s just natural they attach to gangs or other dysfunctional men in the neighborhood. Then they become hyper-masculine which is just a dysfunctional male in a relationship waiting to happen.

      I think some ppl believe that if a man is raised by a single mother he would be really sensitive to women’s needs but the opposite is usually true they are usually very insensitive to women’s needs. They’ve only seen women do all the work, so that’s normal to them.

      • Getting a mentor is great, and if you have no other option, definitely go for it, but mentors wouldn’t be needed if more men fulfilled their roles as fathers in the first place.

        And I totally agree with your last paragraph Eugenia… I have not seen the sons of single mothers be more sensitive to women’s needs. In my personal experience, those are the guys most likely to expect a woman to do everything because that’s what their mothers did. They figure women can just handle everything on their own, and a man’s help is a mere bonus.

        Exceptions would be men who grew up with single mothers, but in a community where most households consisted of married couples. That way, he could at least see examples of how things should be.

  4. 100% agree, and it may be almost as crucial for girls as well. I credit having a good relationship with my father to my sense of stability and and self-esteem. Without that, I’m pretty sure I would have naively fallen for any sweet nothing/hot air any old boy told me or tried to “fix” a loser.

    Now, I didn’t always like my dad because he used to be SO strict, I couldn’t cross the street or hang out with anyone without him asking who, what, where, when, why, and getting tooth extractions, DNA mappings, etc. I still think he was a little too strict and not always affectionate (he has gotten much better), but he showed me what a real protector/provider is through his actions and I can sense a man who is not one pretty quick. I remember one time I wanted a Barbie so bad for Christmas and at the time we had just moved to our town so money was very tight; he went out and got a second job for a couple of weeks just so I could have this Barbie on Christmas morning. My dad saw it as his duty and not something he needed cookie/trophy for. Although my mom made sure we showed appreciation by being respectful, etc. If anything happened to either of my parents, I would bail them out as much as I could in a heartbeat, I am so grateful to them.

    Because I’m used to a male figure in my life who does all these things without any training, begging, or prompting I can’t really see myself with any guy who doesn’t have a good father or at least a good male role model, because I know people die/divorce/etc. Anything less is really a gamble I’m not really willing to take, in my eyes. I am sorry for the long comment but this is something I think about a lot as I am going on dates and interacting with men, I consider very important and I wish more women would, too, because it is so worth it.

    • It is vitally important to girls, just happens in the blog I was focusing on boys but for girls it is also an example of what man, father, and husband should be. When I decided to date again after my divorce I really looked for someone like my dad, when he met my mom she was divorced with three kids, me being one, they had my little brother when they got married. We were his children and treated as such and loved as such. Better than my own biological father, if I hadn’t had him I would have never gotten the example of good, sweet, loving, funny man who took his duty as father and husband as a priority. He was tough and had a fiery temper but he was an amazing man. One day my mom & I were walking through Costco with my husband, then fiancé and she said how much he reminded her of my dad. I told him that’s the ultimate compliment, b/c my parents loved each other deeply, I didn’t realize that till I was older. As a kid they’re just parents but when I look back on it, they had a great love. With my husband I feel what that was and it’s nice.

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