Throwback Post: Sometimes…Rejection is A Good Thing

Post first published in Single Girl in A Weird World on January 9, 2011

I know no one wants to be rejected, that’s not what I’m saying here. It’s rough when you’re rejected by a friend, a job, but especially by a mate or potential mate. No one looks to be rejected and most of the time we really don’t think we’re going to be rejected after that first great conversation or incredible date or those years of sacrifice in that relationship but it happens. I peruse quite a few websites about women and dating specifically about black women and dating interracially. I see quite a few women who are determined not to date until they get the sign from God. Really, as a Christian, I know God can give people signs about stuff in different ways usually a way that will speak to you specifically, but I also know God is not taking forever to give those signs all the time. Sometimes God speaks really quickly, so it always baffles and amuses me that so many of these women seemed to have been waiting a lifetime for a ‘sign’…really God has to have spoken to someone the day after they put the prayer request in. Not everyone has to stand in the line from Hades waiting for a life partner. Then again maybe you’re not just ready for a life partner, but that’s a different post. I’ve come to the conclusion that the ‘sign’ excuse by Christian and non-Christian women alike, is just an excuse for not actually wanting to get out there and date because of the fear of rejection. When I met Matt it was few months after the breakup of my marriage, once I met him and got to know him it didn’t take long for me to discern the signs that he was the one and I’d be a damn fool if I let him get away because I waiting for a lightning bolt to strike.
Rejection is part of life, an unpleasant part but there are lots of unpleasant parts of life. It’s unavoidable, I’m sorry. I’ve rejected people and been rejected before and as much as it hurts I’ve come to believe that there is good in rejection. One of the things I believe is that when things happen, that was what was supposed to happen, even bad things. You can learn from rejection but sometimes rejection is a godsend. A little before I started to date again I was watching ‘Millionaire Matchmaker’ with Patti Stanger, she really does have a lot of useful advice when it comes to dating and she said ‘rejection is God’s protection’. It’s kind of simple-sounding but I think it’s true. We’re sometimes so heartbroken and tore up about rejection but if you think of it as ‘oh boy, I just dodged that bullet’. It can be a little better, yes you’ll still be hurt but you’ll get over it. So after listening to that mantra from Patti every time I went on a date with a guy and if he rejected me I was okay.
Before I met Matt, I’d been kind of seeing a guy a little when all of sudden he just kind of flipped the script and went totally weird on me. I figured it was because he didn’t want to see me but didn’t have the balls to say so. So I stopped talking to him because he was rejecting me and I’ll be a nincompoop in Nepal before I just stand there and continually take the rejection. If I had kept pursuing him what would have happened is I would have missed out on my gem, Matt, that would have been tragic because eventually the other guy would have kicked me to the curb anyway and probably really hard and that rejection would have been worse.
I know it’s hard to fathom rejection being a good thing but sometimes it really is and we should be thankful that some relationships we never got into with certain people. I know it hurts your feelings and your ego is damaged a bit but it’s not going to kill you. There are some instances where maybe you should be learning a lesson about yourself. Maybe trying to fix what made the person reject you, maybe finding out why you wanted to be with someone like that in the first place. I was watching ‘The Soup’ the other night and Joel usually makes jokes about the lunacy on television. He was showing a clip from ‘Millionaire Matchmaker’ of a woman who was the millionaire on a date with a really hot guy, the girl was overweight and I’m not cleaning it up by saying chunky, she was severely overweight and not particularly cute not because she was overweight, she just didn’t really know how to fix herself up. The guy as I said before was very handsome, model looks, they were on the date he was obviously rejecting her but didn’t want to be really mean about it although he was being a jerk. While he rejected her by saying nasty things, every time he said something she’d come back and desperately try to get him to like her. He said he was an a-hole, she said she liked a-holes. She told him she’d buy him a Maserati, give him money, after that he got a little more friendly but not by much. He asked her to do something sexual to him under the table and she complied willingly out of desperation and not wanting to be rejected. I know Joel meant to show this because he thought it was funny and he did make a joke but really it wasn’t funny it was sad and pathetic. It showed the desperate things someone will sink to just not to be rejected. We are not meant to be with everyone we have a conversation, date or even long term relationship with, sometimes those things are just for the moment and we must take them as lessons to learn from. Not every rejection is a personal slight on you; sometimes other people are just not in the right place for that relationship to flourish.
But I also want to stress not to be scared to be rejected. You just can’t sit in your home, apartment, go to work, and go to church and expect that the man or woman of your dreams is going to drop out the sky. If you’re a Christian, you need to understand that God has a job but sometimes you have a job too. You have to get out, be seen, meet people, and be available. If I had not been available to love, love would have never found me. I must say this to non-Christian black women too because they also have this thing about waiting for Mr. Right to just show up out of nowhere. You have to learn how to be in a relationship, you have to be in one to learn, which means you may be rejected. You cannot go on about ‘Oh no he didn’t. How dare that jerk reject me, don’t he know who I am’.

Yea he knows, you’re not the right woman for him and he’s not the right man for you. You also have to remember sometimes you’re going to be the one doing the rejection and you do not want someone questioning why you did it. We all as adults need to be okay if rejection happens, it’s not the end of the world. And for non-black men, who are terrified at being rejected by black women, get over it and get some balls. If you are rejected, doesn’t matter; try again because in all the no’s you will hear all you need is one yes. Just one yes.


5 thoughts on “Throwback Post: Sometimes…Rejection is A Good Thing

  1. Throughout our lives, we encounter rejection from those around us—those we love, those we respect, and those in authority over us. Regardless of age, gender, race, religious background, or social status, everyone experiences rejection of some sort. What varies from one person to another is the impact of that rejection upon and within their lives, emotions, and relationships. Dr. M. Stanley Butler tackles difficult aspects of rejection, common to many of us—perhaps, common to you—and reveals that even these things are a small part of a greater purpose and design. With an application of spiritual truths, he empowers you to excel and overcome in spite of those who have failed to realize your true value and potential.

    Your enemy desires that you would be rejected and embittered, but even these things cannot derail your purpose or your destiny, because none of it occurs to God. He watches over a plan whose end was declared from the beginning and ensures that every failed relationship, act of abuse, and unfulfilled promise works for your good. There are victories you have yet to realize, and God is waiting to reveal this truth…Sometimes, Man’s Rejection Is God’s Protection!

  2. You read my mind with this post.

    Lately I’ve been ruminating over two quotes in the Bible in particular: Phil 4:6 (Be anxious for nothing…) and Jer. 29:11 (For I know the plans I have for you…). Whenever I feel myself wanting something or someone really badly, I tell myself to be anxious for nothing; if that person or thing is really and truly for me, then it will come to me without me having to chase it down or feel anxious about whether not I will get it. With each of the last two men I was involved with, I decided to take a deep breath and fall back–give them space to state their intentions and decide what they wanted to do. I didn’t end up in a relationship with either of them, but I did avoid getting my heart-broken. One of the guys promptly got involved with someone else and got her pregnant and the other guy says that he is considering getting back with his ex-wife (he felt that he needed to be honest with me before things got serious; and I am SO thankful that he was honest with me instead of toying with my emotions). At the end of the day, I realized that neither of those guys was the one for me. With the first guy, I’m thanking the Sweet Baby Jesus that *I* wasn’t the one who ended up pregnant and with the second guy I’m thankful that he revealed himself to be an upstanding guy who wouldn’t toy with my emotions–I count him as someone I can remain on friendly terms with.

    • What an awesome gift you have, the ability to let go. That’s a tough one, I’ve just come to the point in recent years that I can do that and I still have issues sometimes. I think the key in handling anything is knowing ourselves, good & bad. I know I’m anxious I’ve asked God for help w/ that, I see a therapist & I meditate regarding it. But knowing makes me aware of situations where it might pop up, I don’t avoid it, now I just feel it which actually makes me less anxious. I was so relieved when my mom told me that yes all believers get anxious waiting on God. Helped me feel okay about that anxiety. B/c of your ability to let go, you’re probably going to find someone spectacular. Most ppl are incapable of doing that even a little bit. Thank God for that. The scripture you put in your post is my mom’s favorite. Know I’m meditating on ‘wait on the lord and be of good courage & He shall strengthen thine heart. Wait I say upon the lord.’ not always easy but I’m learning so much about faith from this, it’s amazing.

  3. In all the no’s you will hear, all you need is one yes. Just one.
    Thank you for re-posting this. I just got rejected by two graduate schools but I found the blessing in that. I know see that was not where I needed to be at this time. Sometimes we fear rejection instead of taking the lesson in the loss.

    Thanks for the reminder.

    • You know my mom & I were out a few weeks ago. We were taking about having faith & waiting on God. My whole year has been about growing my faith, which is super hard. Because having faith means I have to sometimes ‘wait on God’ & I don’t want to wait. I’m used to solving my problems & although when I do the solving it usually turns into a disaster. But instead of remembering that, I think I need to do something about this NOW! It is tough to wait & she told me something that made me feel better b/c my mom is a mature Christian she’s been one for over 40 years. She said ‘there is no Christian that doesn’t get anxious about waiting on God. If someone tells you they don’t, they are a lie’. God understands your anxiousness, disappointment, grief, anger, confusion, He understands yours, He understands mine. That relieved me I don’t have to feel bad about feeling like this but I still need to pray.

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