Throwback Post: Sometimes…People Really Do Need Therapy

Published in Single Girl in a Weird World on February 4, 2011

I believe way too many black women are seeking therapy via blogs and social media when they need to see an actual trained therapist, this is not okay. 

Therapy is a good thing, actually it’s a blessing. If I hadn’t had therapy at the end of my marriage, I don’t think I’d be here today. I was suffering from panic and anxiety and depression and without the tools that therapy gave me I wouldn’t have been able to move on and conquer those demons. An incident happened today at another blog I frequent and it just made me want to write this blog because I’ve been thinking this all along. Many black women who are thinking of finding their non-bm prince really do need to take a long look at themselves and some of them need therapy. Now, really a lot of people need therapy more than will ever know or ever get it. But I’m saying this because I’m a black woman that therapy helped tremendously and also because some of these women want non-bm to come in and somehow make them whole after their bad experiences in the black community and that ain’t gonna happen. His love cannot do that and I wish we’d all stop asking love to do the impossible. There are women with serious inferiority complexes that no amount of telling her how beautiful she is or how much you love and need her are going to cure.

I’ve always thought this and have been highly disappointed that other supposed BWE and BWIR blogs aren’t suggesting this to women. Maybe cause they need some therapy themselves. The fault doesn’t always lie with someone else sometimes it’s you, it really is you. And therapy and the helpful tools it gives are empowering and can also help black women make some better choices in mates, no matter what color they are. Because believe me, there are low down non-bm out there too and if you take your broken self into an IR and try to find a man, you’ll end up the same man you had except with a different face and different name. I’m not talking from what I’ve heard, I’m talking from what I know, I’ve experienced this. I’d like to give women some useful tools, no amount of charm school, fabulous make-up and clothes, and wine tasting classes is going to solve your issues with feeling inferior in regards to other non-bw. Those self-esteem issues can run deep for some black women, because of being teased, not protected, not loved by their families. One of the reasons I don’t ever feel inferior to other non-bw, especially white women is because they are neither a threat nor competition for me. I know that I’m special and that I’m perfect, my mother, my father and my family reinforced that in me and although I am not delusional and really think I am perfect, I do have faults. I certainly am perfect just the way I am.

I believe that sometimes black women are looking for love and guidance in all the wrong places instead of getting the help they truly desperately need. They want to blame other women or call out other women as if they are the reason they can’t love themselves, no sister, that’s all on you. The reason I say this is not make black women feel bad, it’s show them they have power to change how they feel about themselves and their circumstances so they never have to feel inadequate against another non-bw. You cannot do anything about other people and to attempt to make everyone change so they can fit your world is futile and wasteful. It’s also a waste of time and emotion, two precious resources wasted while trying to be jealous and mad at another woman for how you feel about yourself. You have some power over changing yourself and yes you can be different. It’s not impossible but that starts with you, not everyone else. I’m saying if you are having deep, deep psychological pains and issues about yourself, so deep that when you see another non-bw you go into full blown doubt and depression about your life and your looks and the green monster can’t control himself, you got problems that no blog will solve. There is no shame in asking for help to get rid of useless things in yourself, that’s something a ton of people should be doing. And I really don’t know who this is for but I hope somebody reads this and if they feel like it’s speaking to them, find a therapist and change your life. Because you cannot bring good things and good people into your life putting out negativity, it don’t work like that. Like attracts like, anything else is against nature.

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2 thoughts on “Throwback Post: Sometimes…People Really Do Need Therapy

  1. Profound truths in your post Eugenia. Sometimes people avoid dealing with their social and psychological issues and blame it on ‘errbady’ else.
    For a long time I refused to date or start and maintain a relationship with men. Family and friends said a lot about my decision labelling me pious, holier than thou, santimonious etc. They were surprised by my decision and often commented or acted as though I was acting against the order of nature. However, I know myself and I comprehend the fact that for a long time I was not the person I needed to be while in a relationship. Some of it is character, some of it circumstance and some of it experience.
    I’ve struggled with issues such as control and independence and I believe I have no business taking all that drama into a relationship. Additionally, while I am attracted to various types of men I am drawn to men who I know for a fact if we date or ‘relate’ there will be nothing meaningful there for me or them.
    I flirt now and again but until I am comfortable with the progress I make in addressing my issues, I do not want to draw any man into my ‘id vs. ego vs. super ego’ nor do I want any man bringing his ‘not-dealt with-I don’t have a problem’ drama.
    Of course its a fine line between addressing my issues and not dating while doing so and using the ‘addressing my issues’ as a crutch and not dipping into the dating pool. It’s a balance I have to consistently work at but it’s worth it. I have watched friends male and female pick partners not suited to them consistently and everytime it is like watching two trains moving at breakneck speed collide in slow motion (occasionally it happens so fast I’m only in time to assess the fallout) and they wonder why. I long ago stopped saying ‘it’s you’ because they do not want to hear it and protest at my lack of sensitivity and sympathy or they turn it into an attack on my decision to not be involved ergo my appalling lack of understanding.
    People need to deal with their drama, trauma, insecurities or whatever they call whatsoever they have going on. Nobody can help you until you’re ready to help yourself or until you’re ready for someonelse’s help.

    • Well, you seem realize your fine line but you need to do what you need to do. When that starts getting in the way of living the full and complete life you want or you’re acting out of fear then you got problems. But we all know deep down in ourselves when we’re using things as a crutch.

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