What Is The Feminine Mystique?

Femininity is reflected in more than the way you dress. What is your feminine mindset like? From the post below it seems some women may have it a tad backward. The following comment is one I speak about in my post:

Its bad out there. Today many young girls arent acting like ladies anywhere. They think they have to put out to have a boyfriend and this is in the white community: its got to be worse in the black community. A friend of mine told me that men started acting like the pampered girl when they started piercing their ears. A gay guy she worked with in the early 80s told her that the piercings mean they are in the gay community: but one ear at a time. Left ear meant gay Right ear meant bi….i told her, well in 2012 both ears means girl or extremely passive. And all these black guys are pierced. And all the girls except a few. Are TATTOOED that is not ladylike because a women cant change the picture. Indian henna at times is ok though

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25 thoughts on “What Is The Feminine Mystique?

  1. Pingback: Why do a lot of people find tattoos and piercings “creepy and weird”? | tattoo designs, tattoo designs for women, tattoo designs for men

  2. Eugenia, I spent the past hour or so watching the latest two vlogs — and looks like I still have some catching up to do — and as always I love your message and I love the way you speak about them.

    Re: femininity, I have sometimes been confused growing up about what femininity actually is. It seems as though a lot of people have different definitions of it. But what you say about femininity coming from inside makes a lot of sense. I’ve made the mistake of thinking that certain superficial things, like tattoos, are unfeminine. Not because of the tattoo itself but because I believed that wanting tattoos or getting tattoos reflects someone’s mindset — and in my flawed thinking, someone who would want a tattoo couldn’t possibly be feminine. But I realize I am wrong about that.

    I am actually still a little confused about feminine mystique, but I figure I’ll just worry about being confident and comfortable about who I am and the rest will follow.

    • Okay, I lied because I wanted to respond to this. Then I’m going to sleep. \o/

      “I’ll never forget the overweight hottie of the week, the white guy on BB&W a while back. Oh that poor dude got skewered b/c a couple of bw we’re insulted by him being put up as the hottie. If its not for you, it’s not for you but that doesn’t mean another person won’t see something you don’t.”

      That post……I wasn’t there when that post initially happened but I was looking at the after math and I just felt such a deep sense of shame on behalf of some people.

      He was actually referred to as either “white women’s left overs” or “the type of man no white woman wants” or just something inferring that this man, who was well traveled, well educated, and probably had a successful career, was somehow “scraps” because he didn’t look like Chris Pine.

      How many of these same women get salty over the “nobody wants you” talk? How can you get salty about something like that (a lie) and then go on about how someone who is otherwise an ideal mate for someone isn’t wanted (something I also consider to be a lie).

      I think that the shallowness and pettiness that I saw from some black women made it abundantly clear to me just how far behind the curve some black women are when it comes to dating and when it comes to determining what a suitable mate is.

      Like with the video I saw about DL brothas, I wonder how many of these women are bearding for men right now because of superficial ideologies that get in the way of determining what a good mate is and isn’t.

      • Uh yea! All that! I agree wholeheartedly. You hear that so much, ‘well no white man wants to talk to me’. I’m thinking what planet are you on. I has wm trying to talk early 90s when just a few bw were dating IR. I still get them trying to chat and I’m old and married. I thought that was such bad manners. That was unfeminine, down right mean. I’m telling you, we are completely behind. You know I hate doing the comparison between women but really Asian women got this one in the bag. They will do some trade-offs for a good husband and provider. Now you may not want to go to that extreme but that’s lesson bw could learn. We’re so busy diddling w/ the dang wrapper. Looks fade, asshole is forever.

  3. Re: Being at one extreme or the other.

    I feel like this is either due to trying to conform to one standard of what a woman is supposed to be like or another.

    I guess you have to be honest with yourself and what you want and what fits you.

    “What I’m saying her tat doesn’t make her less of a lady.”

    That’s true, and no disrespect meant in that regard. I was actually reminded of certain things while shopping for certain looks where traditionally you would not see persons wearing them covered in tattoos. And I mean COVERED. I felt it took away from the overall look, but that was just my opinion.

    I wouldn’t think it’s okay to mistreat someone because they are a woman with tattoos or dress in one way or another.

    And ultimately it’s a matter of opinion, like you said. What’s right for one person isn’t necessarily right for someone else. You have to find your own style and individual sense of expression.

    And if someone doesn’t approve…. *shrug*

    • As you can see in that video, I’ve just chopped a good portion of my hair off. If I was going for a more feminine look that was not the way to achieve it LOL. I’m quite sure a bunch of ppl, could give a flip about my hair, some ppl may love it and be jealous b/c they can’t rock it and a bunch of ppl may think I look kind of butch and ABW (angry bw) but the best thing is I know who I am even if a bunch of other ppl don’t. I’d take good manners any day, the crudeness that this society has been reduced to is really bothering me. The way I see young bw act is just not okay, I’m not talking about gang girls, I’m talking about regular girls. Looking very cute and talking so rough it would make a sailor blush.

      • ” If I was going for a more feminine look that was not the way to achieve it LOL.”

        I am cackling because I just chopped off more than half my hair length this morning to make my look more cleaned up and professional and I admit, I was a bit sad. Mainly because I am still wrestling with that whole “long natural hair” look that so many people preach about.

        I had said in the past that my femininity is not tied to my hair, and I wonder if the whole “grow your hair as long as possible” thing isn’t a bid in some cases to prove that black women are as feminine as non-black women. I can see growing your hair as long as you want because that’s just what you want. But some comments I’ve seen made me think that some black women are really bothered by the “hair flipping” and feel like it will bother them less if they can show everybody that black women can have long half too aka be feminine.

        Also there are different ethnic groups where the woman’s hair is absolutely not long (and she is quite short haired, if not bald), and her femininity would not be questioned. Maybe these perceptions are hugely culturally based?

        Oh, and if I could get away with being bald, I would do it because life would be SO much easier. I would be bald as the day is long. If only I didn’t have a head shape where I’d look like some sort of Sci-fi channel movie-of-the-week monster. 😦

  4. The tattooed vintage model look DOES bother me, although I understand it’s an interpretation of vintage fashion. Usually gothic vintage or something. But I didn’t like it, and I think this post and that picture finally addresses why: It’s not lady like.

    The women in those days who wore those fashions were NOT covered in tattoos. Ladies, or even less than lady like women, were not covered in tattoos. To me it just ruins the fashion a bit.

    I honestly do not feel sorry for women crying about wanting a certain type of boyfriend, one that is active and not passive or passive aggressive, if they are encouraged to partake in behaviors where THEY are the ones chasing and courting these guys. That’s usually the type of guy you’re going to end up with. Point blank.

    This is why I don’t believe in chasing any man. Some women delude themselves into running after men as a sign of being a modern woman and an equal. If we’re talking equality, then both parties are putting in the same amount of work to get a relationship going and maintain it. If you are putting in MORE than your fair share to keep things going, paying for things, pampering this person, calling this person to ask them out on dates (and hardly the reverse), then guess what? That is not equality, and you have been royally duped.

    And I’m just plain old fashioned and don’t apologize for it. I do not expect to be courted by a man that wants me to pay my own way, open my own door and pull out my own chair. And I certainly wouldn’t be doing these things for him, because I’d like to be the ONLY lady in the relationship. :/

    • I am not the tattooed goth lady and what you just stated is an opinion not a fact. Now I don’t do a ton of tattooes but believe me when I say there are a ton of women here in this city that are tatted up, that’s not strange to find in this city. This is not 1910 and you’d be surprised how many women wore tattoos even then. I’ve seen older women covered in tats but they were probably covered during that time b/c it wasn’t normal. What I’m saying her tat doesn’t make her less of a lady. Trust and believe there are a ton and I do mean a ton of dudes that love chicks w/ tats. As I said here its art but this is also Seattle. Your lawyer may have tats here. I was at the grocery store the other day and the chick checking me out was had her head shaved on one side and blue and pink hair and it was not Halloween. Was she not feminine, no she was really pretty with flawless beautiful make up. Now if she would have started to talk to me like a sailor I would have deemed her unfeminine.

      Some ppl don’t want to wear make or dresses, some women don’t want to look like a vintage pin up girl. That’s not my thing and as I said my feet have started to bother me so bad, I’m only wearing Dansko’s and believe me those are not the most girly shoes in the world. But for the sake of my feet, I’ll be wearing them. But this isn’t about fashion whether it be pin up fashion or jeans and t-shirts. I’ve decided to go deeper. We’re stuck on surface crap while we don’t teach bw how to think like women. We dress them all up like Barbie dolls when they have a mouth like Nicki Minaj. We’ve missed the point, the mark. I’ll say it again I do not romanticize the past. There were good and bad things about being a woman then. It wasn’t all great for women. It specifically wasn’t great under the law. So yes in some ways I’m old-fashioned in many ways I am not. I’m okay with that, we need balance. But showing young women what it really means to be a woman from the inside out would be fabulous.

      I don’t really get the part about chasing after men, I have never encouraged any woman to do that on this blog. I don’t care what kind of clothing she is wearing. But if we really think putting on a dress and some make up is going to magically turn these she-males that folks are raising in the blk community into feminine women, that’s ridiculous. I see women all the time that appear feminine act very masculine. I see women who don’t appear as feminine act very lady like. Yes we judge things from the outside a lot, that’s who we are, shallow people. But I’ve had times when I didn’t exactly look Miss Prim but I was still treated as a lady because my thought process is in line with that. You know you just may naturally want to wear more feminine attire when your mindset changes, you also may not. But I’m a witness that my femininity and self confidence has drawn men to me when I was in a gap t-shirt, shorts and converse tennis shoes. That’s how strong my mystique is. I don’t want to have to costume myself up and be uncomfortable. I know what I like and I know what fits me. It isn’t manly but I’m not going to put on attire that I feel like I’m dying in. Because looking and feeling uncomfortable is never feminine.

      It’s gonna start on the inside then folks can work on the outside. That’s all I’m saying. If she wants tats that’s her business not mine, we spend too much too time trying to nitpick and control the world. Whoever the person is that wrote that post is a nitwit and I can tell that all throughout the post. That’s what too many young bw are doing thinking if they go around all dressed up like dolls men will fall at their feet but they never rid themselves of the unsophisticated opinions, bitterness, neediness, inferiority complexes. It’s because I don’t have these things that I can be feminine and not always have to look overly feminine. When did it get to this point, I wonder. I wonder if women really understand how many men actually hate make up. Black women have to come with more, we’re too surface while we’re all screwed up inside. That’s why so many are desperate to have a man-child respect them when all he’s waiting for is her to get lippy so he can slug her and no amount make up or clingy dresses is going to stop him from doing that.

          • No that’s okay, if you watch the video you may understand why I’m saying what I’m saying. There has to be a deep purging of the mind for bw, so many are so brainwashed or still slightly brainwashed they have no self-interest and are happy to martyr themselves for men who wouldn’t spit on them if they were thirsty. Really bm are okay with degrading bw b/c they never face any consequences when they do specifically from bw. I just heard in passing about the D.L. Hughley thing. Really, for real. But you know why it was so easy for him to do that b/c he knows he’s not giving to fa e consequences a ton bw will still be begging for bitter self to love them.

          • I’m watching the video now and I definitely get what you’re saying

            The DL Hughley thing….. 😐

            I actually had someone send a vid to me about the type of women that DL black men look for (I know his name doesn’t necessarily stand for DL as in down low, but it reminded me of what I saw) and why and ultimately when it comes to blac women, it’s because they can get away with certain behaviors because of the standards that some black women have allowed themselves to have.

            And you’re right: Certain fashions mean nothing, if the behaviors are bass ackwards. Like a well dressed man who makes a lot of money and acts a certain way in public can still be an abusive creep who will treat you badly.

            So I guess it’s definitely not enough to place emphasis on perceived gender norms or how well (or even not so well) someone dresses. The saying is, “Don’t judge a book by its cover”.

            There are many types of people that can be avoided if you observe their behavior rather than looking at them and thinking that is enough to tell you what kind of person they are and if you should be around them.

          • And that’s the thing, Toni you hit the nail on the head. Do we really look at behavior? Women are notorious for this, particularly bw we’re so entranced by a shiny wrapper, we take the candy, we eat, it don’t taste good but we’ll gorge ourselves b/c wrapper is so shiny. It was long obsession w/ ‘swag’ many bw had and still have. Hey I like a confident man but swag went from confident to cocky to downright abusive. Bw want so badly for someone, anyone to love and acknowledge them and they’re looking in the wrong places. Many don’t know how to be feminine to gain respect so they turn masculine but that’s not getting them any respect either. They’re convinced that only ppl it’s worthy to get respect from is blk ppl and bm but bm could pretty much give a hoot b/c the whole world is sobbing & coddling them. It’s a catch-22. I’ll never forget the overweight hottie of the week, the white guy on BB&W a while back. Oh that poor dude got skewered b/c a couple of bw we’re insulted by him being put up as the hottie. If its not for you, it’s not for you but that doesn’t mean another person won’t see something you don’t.

        • Oh that paragraph is from a response I got on the ‘Men Aren’t Women-Part 1’ video I did awhile back. I found it an odd response to that video. As if to say if we throw make up on a pig, it will suddenly become a Princess and I’m thinking no it’s deeper than that.

          • Okay, I get you. And with that context, it is odd, because I was assuming we’re talking about women and our behaviors and what we appreciate or don’t as individuals. Our femininity and what that is.

            But with that context….yes that’s odd. I also found it a bit weird because the emphasis is now on women being responsible for reminding a guy how to be a guy, and that’s something they should already know.

            So now that I’m rereading it with the context, it does feel like a “women are confusing men, and that’s why men don’t know how to be men” lamentation, and that’s bogus.

            Regardless of how a woman dresses or behaves, your own identity and sexuality should not be reliant on that.

            I didn’t address the piercings thing, but the truth is that sexuality is not reliant on how you pierce your ears. And now that I think about it, femininity is not reliant on whether or not you have tattoos.

            It’s about who you are as a person and these things cannot be defined simply by tattoos and piercings, and if that’s all you understand of a person, than you are missing out on the whole of the person.

          • That thing with ‘women aren’t letting men be men’ crock of crap. No one can keep me from being feminine only I can do that. With bm in particular most have no idea how to be a man, so their sense of masculinity of screwed up. They thinking being controlling, domineering, and hyper sexual is manhood. If they did want to marry bw, many don’t know how to be good husbands & providers. Yes, I’m so glad they missed me with that.

      • “I don’t really get the part about chasing after men, I have never encouraged any woman to do that on this blog. I don’t care what kind of clothing she is wearing. But if we really think putting on a dress and some make up is going to magically turn these she-males that folks are raising in the blk community into feminine women, that’s ridiculous. I see women all the time that appear feminine act very masculine. I see women who don’t appear as feminine act very lady like. Yes we judge things from the outside a lot, that’s who we are, shallow people. But I’ve had times when I didn’t exactly look Miss Prim but I was still treated as a lady because my thought process is in line with that. ”

        Agreed. Even when I was not into make up or dressing up AT ALL, I just never had the urge to pamper and run after any man. I do agree this is behavior that is deeper than ideas about dressing masculine or feminine and just how you want to be treated or treat others.

        I think it’s about attitude more or less and what you’re willing to put up with and what you expect from other people.

        • You know w/ the recent rock ’em, sock ’em video of the rap person, which I haven’t seen and every other type of weird debauchery bm seem so fond of doing to bw. It’s coming to the point where I’m thinking why oh why are bw hanging around trying to get disrespectful man-kids to love them. I mean it seems bm in every way possible not only tell but regularly show bw they hate their guts. But we’re standing there talking, shouting trying to get respect from ppl that aren’t worth getting respect from. It’s like just stop dealing w/ these folks. I don’t deal with many bm just a couple in my family and that’s about it. I feel no kinship or loyalty to bm at all, not none. It’s just getting bloody ridiculous. I haven’t seen this many bw socked on tape since roller derby. As a feminine woman my thought process is to avoid man-kids at all costs, they aren’t worth my precious time or pondering abilities. They are no one to gain respect from, it’s like fighting w/ the KKK and trying to gain respect. Why, just why? They are loathsome human beings, who cares if they like you.

          • I could not watch that video because it would be too upsetting to me. I hate seeing a black woman being abused and no one having the decency to help her. I am not surprised that the person in question is for all intents and purposes getting away with it because they are well insulated by a community of persons that do not value black women.

            And I imagine some women chase behind these bw-haters because they are waiting for the day when these people turn around and tell them that they are worthy of love and respect.

            It’s sad.

          • It is sad b/c bw were worthy before, we just don’t know it. It was enough w/ the bus driver video, I don’t want that want that kind if evil making contact with my spirit and psyche. I don’t want to be desensitized to those kinds of violent acts, that’s not okay with me.

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