Dating is Not a Place to Repair

Dating exists to find out if you have a suitable mate, not to repair your broken heart.

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4 thoughts on “Dating is Not a Place to Repair

  1. I’m glad you feel better!

    I feel like this: You define your own reality. And if you buy into a reality where it’s not happening for you….it’s not going to happen for you.

    And I so agree about therapy and as I’ve said, I blame this terminology of using other people to “complete” you and feel “whole” and not understand what you are promoting when you say that. If you need mental or emotional support, get it in a professional environment.

    I wonder if people use it as a form of substitute therapy the way some people will self-medicate because of the stigma of mental health treatment. Someone might say, “this relationship is healing and therapeutic” and feel that because they feel good, they don’t need any additional help, and that’s bad. Because relationships end. You can’t get a recommendation or a referral when that happens, it’s over. And if you invest everything in that relationship as a healing process, I imagine you’ll feel worse, not better, should it end badly.

    So I agree, these pursuits and needs have to occur in non-relationship situations.

    Great vid!

    • Yes Toni that’s what it is a way to self-medicate and there are a ton of ways to self-medicate and all are destructive. But yes we don’t want to seen as ‘crazy’ so we try to handle it ourselves. Usually ppl looking for validation in a relationship will end being co-dependent, depending on that person to validate who they are. That’s why I’m always so highly disturbed when bw talk about their devastation at being rejected by wm or other non-bm. I’m thinking ‘no you shouldn’t let a stranger have that kind of control over you’ it’s not healthy. Yes all this mess about ‘you complete me’ that’s nonsense you need to go into a relationship already complete b/c that’s asking way too much of one person to do. It sounds sweet and romantic on the movies but in real life it’s dangerous and destructive. All our repair should happen outside of a romantic, dating relationship. We ask too much of ppl sometimes, it’s not fair to turn all your damage over this person who’s not equip to deal with it. And yes what you percieve happening in your life, will actually happen. So if you perceive lack, there will lack, if you perceive abundance there will be abundance. The odd part about that is the ppl could be in the same situation and their perception will dictate what they see, I’ve seen it happen.

      • “That’s why I’m always so highly disturbed when bw talk about their devastation at being rejected by wm or other non-bm. I’m thinking ‘no you shouldn’t let a stranger have that kind of control over you’ it’s not healthy.”

        Definitely, you shouldn’t be waiting around for someone else to validate you. Too many black women feel like they are obligated for someone to approve of them before deciding they are worthy. That’s not how it works: You have to feel worthy first.

        • What is that about bw, we’re always waiting for someone to approve of us. Although many of us say ‘oh it didn’t matter what they think of me’. Our actions that jib w/ that. Well if it doesn’t matter why not make decisions that benefit you instead of harm you. I love your post on the total overreaction at the white man alliance post. You bring knowledge all the time.

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