This blog was published on Single Girl In A Weird World on June 3, 2011
Oh I love the magic bullet, I swear some of us are so desperate in our attempts to find romance we’ll believe anything anyone says. Especially when it says, well it’s not you, it’s them. I see the magic bullet list items all over the internet. I see them on tons of websites, I’ve seen them so much that hell I started to believe some of it. That’s usually how a lie works, you hear it enough and then all of a sudden it starts to become true. But I’m a critical thinker, something that is sadly lacking in this world. I swear if people see something on television or read it on the internet they just take for granted it’s the truth and that person is telling the truth. In a post I had a while back called You Better Be Suspicious I talk about the good points of being suspicious of what folks say. I know this isn’t taught by many people but doubt is a good thing sometimes, it can help us not be taken advantage of. I understand that as women we all want to hold out hope that all that stuff you’ve been reading on relationship website or in those relationship articles is true but really it just all depends. When I write things in this blog regarding relationships especially those involving black women and non-black men I try to use language like some, sometimes, maybe. I stay away from absolutes because they are so unreliable, nothing I write in here is for everyone some may be able to use it, some may not. It doesn’t bother me if you can or if you can’t. I’m hear telling my story because someday I’d like to look back on this and see how I’ve changed. That’s always my goal to be ever evolving, to be different than I was the day before, to learn, to grow. In a few years I may have changed my mind regarding some of these things because my experiences may have altered it so there are no absolutes. And when people start talking, writing, or advising in absolutes I get fairly suspicious and fast. Believe me when I say, everyone has an agenda even I have one. Some are admirable, some…not so much.
Unfortunately there are many gullible black women as there are many gullible women, period. Those women who are desperate for an answer to why they are lonely or cannot maintain a relationship, why men don’t talk to them and really the best way to sell your shit to never blame the person always blame the other person. We live in a microwave society in the U.S., everyone wants everything today and they don’t want to do any work to get it. We want what others have but are unwilling to do the work or make the sacrifices they have to gain it. We just think we deserve it and like little children, we want it NOW! So in comes your savior with magic bullet list, here to tell you that if you A-B-C and D the man your dreams will drop out the sky and pledge his undying love to you. I have yet to hear of someone using this magic formula to the letter and having it work. I always say the proof is in the pudding, no tangible results means that crap don’t work. Bringing out this ‘experts’ with nary a credential between them and if they got a degree it has no CV to match. I’m sorry when you say experts, I think of experts like the ones I used to use in my career a paralegal with CVs 5 pages long and some proof of their expertise, anybody can write a book. Really the magic bullet list are never called this because then you couldn’t believe in them, they have names like formula, rules, and such. The premise always is, we’re breaking you down to build you up, you’re incapable of finding someone on your own so you need my magic bullet bullshit list and it will happen for you. I’m calling shenanigans on all the magic bullet list that I’ve seen for black women regarding non-black men. There is no formula, there are suggestions, there’s stuff you can try but that doesn’t mean it’s going to work. But that doesn’t mean give up hope and just close yourself in your condo and get some cats. We cannot get things instantly it takes some effort on both people’s part to find love and good relationship and to maintain it. If you haven’t found love, all that means is it’s just not your time. I get sick of people crying and whining, why hasn’t it happened for me. You’re not the only one who would like a relationship, blow the snot out of your nose and get out there and make yourself available for love dammit. Really I dislike the magic bullet list, I’m going to list some things I’ve seen from it and tell you why it’s total bullshit.
–White men are shy -that’s a damn lie, some and I’ll say it again some men are shy, white, black, Latino, Asian yea some are shy. But believe me a bunch are not, get a clue on what men do when they flirt and learn to flirt back. White men may flirt different but he will flirt. I’m thinking this came from people who have never been around white people ever and think they are so different. If you knew any white people, you’d understand why this is a crock of shit.
–White men only like dark-skinned women -what kind of bs is this, I’ve seen white men with every hue of black woman from fair to blue-black. Men like what they like and for some men that’s consistent while for others it is not.
–You need to go to Europe to find a white man -while European white man don’t have all the racial baggage we have here in the U.S. there is no guarantee you will go there and the men will be falling at your feet. Really, if something is wrong with you no matter where you go, you will still be there. American men date and marry black women all the time, you are not hunting for leprechaun gold trying to find a man. Just pay attention to your surroundings and have some reasonable expectations.
–White men go for black women with natural hair -I swear I hate this one so much and this is such nonsense I want to go out and do speeches on the street about it. Hear this, white men don’t know anything about black women’s hair, black men barely do. But rest assured, white men don’t know if your hair is natural, permed, or fake unless you tell him. My Matt has dated 2 other black women besides me and he still has no idea the difference between natural and permed. Men don’t worry about those sorts of things, only women.
No matter who you are, no matter what you look like, there is someone out there for you. Why would YOU be the only person in the world there isn’t someone to love you or for you to love. Yes, you’re going to be rejected but let’s stop with the narcissism that only we should be able to reject people and never be rejected. Get out there and do something, get out of your comfort zone, take up some new hobbies, do some things to get yourself prepared so when love shows up you’ll be ready. That’s what we don’t do we’re so worried about why someone else isn’t doing something instead of doing something ourselves that will have us prepared for the love of our lives. Why should you ever have something you are not prepared for? Black women, white men and other non-black men are attracted to you, stop trying to contort yourself into something you are not. Be yourself, you’re worthy of love just the way you are. Be the best you and that will attract the best to you.
If you want to ask me something specifically and privately, click here and I’ll see if I can help you. I won’t be able to answer everything but I’ll definitely try.