If You’re Okay With It, What Does It Matter If Others Aren’t

Too many supposed ‘confident’ black women are wilting at every varied opinion of white men who are open to swirling. Girl if you feel good about you, why worry about what one guy says. The article this vlog is referring to is here, it’s too funny for words. Oh and please excuse some of my salty language but I had to break it down like that.

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47 thoughts on “If You’re Okay With It, What Does It Matter If Others Aren’t

  1. OMG, you are going to get me in trouble clapping my hands and stomping in here while everyone is sleep, but you are speaking the TRUTH! I had to quit going there because it was starting to feel odd but I couldn’t put my finger on it, but the word I’d use now to describe that feeling is toxic. I actually stopped reading before the post you’re referencing in this video, but oh did I hear about it.

  2. I read the piece you talk about and I’m glad you made this video. This morning I went back to read the comments and one in particular made me sad and angry, it was implying that black women although, we exercise, take pride in keeping our booty “big”, because black men love that, meaning we shouldn’t love our butts because black men do? umm, what the hell do you suggest I do with my butt? I was born this way. Why is it acceptable for black women to claim they are “naturally” thin, but black women with hips, booty and boobs should feel ashamed of their “natural’ figure?
    I’m all for dating IR but I refuse to put white men on a pedestal like they are some God. I love my body and shape, whoever doesn’t, that is YOUR problem. Like the saying goes…. what people say and think about you is NOT your business.

    • You know if you’re a black woman that feels good about herself, you could go over to that blog and it might kill your self esteem. It can really harsh and demeaning to bw as if all of us are defective unless we do what it says or wm say. Yea no!

      • Absolutely! I have a 17 years old daughter who recently started reading the blog, after that piece she doesn’t want any part of it. She feels that man wants black women to be white and shouldn’t have been given a platform to talk that ish. All this nonsense about assimilating into his culture, and white men having options, black women have options too. White men who wish to date black women know how we are built, we are not all thin, we are known to be curvy, I thought that’s what they loved about us.

        • You when someone starts telling me what wm want or other non-bm I just roll my eyes. Men barely know what they want till you tell them. I have never had an issue finding dates, all I had was an issue is with whether I wanted them not them wanting me. Tell your daughter to come here or sent her to some of the blogs at the side, they are a lot of young women in that group that are bringing positive not abusing bw. We get enough of that from the black community. Yes, most wm get that we’re different even when we’re thin we’re curvy I know I was when I was younger and the guys I dated loved it. No man ever complained about my curves. I knew every guy didn’t want it but I had enough that did and I was only looking for one and I found him.

  3. I’m going to say this b/c this is MY blog, not yours. I disagreed with what he said and I said it. I’ve disagreed with you and I’ve said it. I don’t have run lockstep with BB&W and please don’t run back your blog saying we’re all jealous and hating on you. I live a good life, damn good. Now if you really want to talk you can talk to me but don’t come here and try to insult my readers and commenters b/c we’re not all going be the black Stepford wives.

  4. (Name), don’t go to an extreme. Voicing a disagreement isn’t bashing. I didn’t bash your blog. I just voiced my opinion about the commenters. Lets be real here; if someone takes the opinion of of one man to heart like that, then something isn’t right. I’ve been an avid reader for a long time, and the readership has changed. You know that better than anyone else bc you read the comments daily. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be involved in an interracial relationship…I’m married interracially, and you was at my wedding. What is wrong is when Black women feel the need to be 100% validated by a non Black man. There needs to be an honest and open convo about that.

  5. I’m sorry, but if you take to heart what ONE man said on a damn BLOG as the guide to your life, then you need to exit to the left and fall off of a cliff. I didn’t read the whole article (actually I barely read it…don’t have time for ignorance), but I can make an educated guess as to what it says.

    • I’m with you but too but many bw are just running in a corner to cry from one, not many, not some, not even a couple of wm’s comments. And you didn’t miss anything.

      • That’s why I’ve stopped commenting on that blog, and it’s getting to the point where I don’t read it. I haven’t read it in a LONG time. The commenters seem to be gullible and thirsty to the tenth power. Damn! Do they have their own lives, interests besides waiting for a new posting to come up and tell them how to live their lives? Instead of reading about it, I’d rather live it. Thankfully, I’m doing so with my husband.

        • I hadn’t been on there in a long time and I saw this and I was laughing. It was one narcissist opinion, but like someone else said. I don’t put wm on a pedestal, I was the prize for my husband and what I had I was okay with, if the guy wasn’t so what. Yes, I think many ppl need to step away from the computer and live life. I love your blogs you two are so cute and just happy newlyweds. The best part is you let bw know this is attainable. I don’t want bw thinking my life is unattainable unless you start changing yourself to please others and jumping through hoops of fire for wm to notice. It makes me sad that bw are so willing to take abuse but not wiling to take love.

          • I agree! WM shouldn’t be put on a pedestal, but sadly, many of the commenters feel that way. I enjoyed when you was a moderator on the blog because you offered a different opinion…a breath of fresh air. You talk to someone, not at someone, and that’s a good trait to have.

            Thank you for the kind words! I blog to just say what’s on my mind, and the one thing that I don’t want to do is to put any woman down, esp. Black women. We have enough of that going on, and I don’t need to contribute to it. The life I live is very attainable, but the first step is to fall in love with yourself. That seems to be missed a lot on various interracial dating blogs. I’ve had women to email me and ask, “How do I get a White man?” That’s pathetic.

            “It makes me sad that bw are so willing to take abuse but not wiling to take love.” <—–THIS!!! There is a major problem when a woman can't find the beauty in herself. It must be exhausting to live a life that is filled with self hatred and self doubt.

          • I decided it was time to move on, it’s changed so much and I don’t like the constant antagonism it was stressful. I don’t want bw to feel bad either, we all know when we’re not our best. I don’t have to beat you with you with that fact. I can be direct I know but I’m never malicious and I’m not doing this to make myself feel better than people. I’ve struggled in life and relationships, my hope is always try to help other bw avoid my pitfalls. I want us to think, about what we think, what we do, who we let into our lives and who we let influence us I know I’m not for everyone but even if I’m not I can send you to someone who is for you. We carry too many heavy burdens, if bw got problems I want them to get help, I want them to feel secure enough to ask. Because yes, ‘getting a white man’ is not going to solve some of the deep rooted self esteem issues so many bw have. I’ve had women ask me that too and I’m thinking you don’t need a man you need YOU! Then the man of your dreams will pursue you, he’ll be drawn to you. I do not want bw jumping out of the frying pan into the fire when it comes to swirling and unfortunately I see that happening more and more.

          • True, it has really changed a lot, and I feel the same way. I enjoy reading your blog and watching your videos.

  6. This was real talk, real ******* talk!

    If he had written that he was a devout Buddhist and is only attracted to women who were Buddhists, and the letter was encouraging Black women to open their minds to Buddhism, I would have maintained the same perspective: he finds a specific group of women attractive, and he wants to invest his heart and time with the women he finds attractive (this time, spiritually).

    But I will admit, I’m one of those women who struggles with what other people think 😦 I cared so much at one point that I allowed it to get in the way of giving, accepting, seeking, hell, even admitting that I wanted love. I’m glad I clicked the link from the blog, because I think it’s easy to forget that we are allowed to have our preferences and opinions, and you have to be a strong person to be honest with yourself, and to allow yourself to be vulnerable with someone.

    Off Topic: You aren’t lying, I want your life! And those nails! Love the colour!

    • You know my life is not unattainable I’m not special snowflake. I try to show bw on my blog how I got this life and the lessons I learned when I didn’t have it. Yes, he has a preference but no he’s not speaking for all wm and even if he’s speaking for majority which is probably like 55% than 90% there are still plenty of wm available to bw to date, we just got to get our heads together and then vet these men. Remember you’re the prize. We forget that, you’re not trying to attain him he needs to impress you. I love my hubby but he’s blessed to have me and he knows it. I’m blessed to have him but I wasn’t begging. I liked who I was and if he wasn’t as impressed with me as I was with myself, he could have kept it moving. Please read my blog from earlier called ‘Looking For Love In All The Wrong Places’ you might benefit from it. I’m glad you clicked the link too.

  7. I don’t regularly reply to my own videos but I want bw to realize this, I think the guy writing that letter in the original article was an NPD. Someone w/ narcissistic personality disorder, I talk about this on this blog b/c I was married 9 years to an NPD and didn’t know it b/c they are good at hiding it. So good that if you don’t know the signs you’ll be duped. Now I knew something was wrong later in but I wasn’t sure what I didn’t find it out till we were divorced. But bw let me tell you, there are more and more wm who are swirling and more bw but many wm have figured something out, many bw are desperate and co-dependent and they are taking advantage it and pulling the okey doke. My friend above Zabeth said something in the comments on this blog that I didn’t think of, something is off about that guy. That you all as bw need to vigilant about vetting wm. do not let the white skin fool you many of these men have issues and many are taking advantage of bw. Do not be impressed by a man that compliments you while horribly insulting women who look like you, that was my first sign he was NPD, I got spidey sense about this. But many co-dependent are impressed by that, it makes them feel special. I don’t care about anyone having a preference but his presentation told a lot about him and who he was but you have to be listening b/c yes wm are not only subtle in their flirting, they can be subtle in their abuse. Just something to think about.

  8. I’ve been a lurker on your site for a long while now, but I wanted to give you a shout out for this video! I think part of the challenge for many black women who want to date interracially is that they don’t interact with white men on a regular basis. If they did, they would know that they come in all different shapes and sizes and like all kinds of women. I’m a plus size woman living and dating in NYC and I’ve pretty much only dated/been in relationships with white men in the 10 years I’ve lived here. I also think a lot of women put men in general on a pedestal, and when you think someone is better than you it can be hard to date. Your video is spot on and I love hearing about the life you’re living.

    • There are a bunch of women taking about IR dating and think they’re experts but have only been IR married. I’ve married and dated wm for 20 years. I just didn’t meet some guy s d marry him, I have experience with all types of wm. that’s what is lacking in many posts I see in various spots, ppl you don’t know any white ppl except those they met via they husband. They have this weird notion that all wm are the same. You are not the only bw I’ve spoken with who doesn’t get this wm ‘one size fits all’ thing and is tired of folks pushing ridiculous agendas. I don’t put wm on pedestal, they’re not special, only special wm to me is my husband and they certainly don’t get any passes. I’m so glad you commented and glad you enjoy the blog.

      • Yes Yes Eugenia! Say that. That’s what I feel like has gone on at BB&W now… I can’t deal with it anymore. If anyone has taken their time to live life, like you said before and actually go out and date ALL KINDS of men they will soon realize NONE of them deserve to be on a pedestal or are special, and they all vary in preferences.

        They have turned the white man into some odd enigma over there on that site and I’m just through! It’s like this– it’s a dude, or they are all dudes that are just… white.. or brown…. or tan– they are making it out to be rocket science smh. There almost shouldn’t even be an ‘expert’ so much in this field– it’s just something you DO or happens.. lol.

        Unless by ‘expert’ someone means ‘experienced’– but for said author in blog original posts–if all you did was just date one and marry that same one–what plethora of experience are you offering? Hmmmmmmm.

  9. You know, I was one of the commentators on facebook– and in reality I didn’t have so much a problem with what the white dude said because that’s nothing new under the sun. What I had a problem with and questioned was Christelyn’s motive or agenda for posting it. This could have easily been an opinion piece of another non-black man saying he preferred anything BUT slim/trim/athletic.But it isn’t.

    That’s where the mix up is– I feel like she was trying to pass off HIS opinion not as an opinion, but the god given universal truth for all white men. That this man’s piece was what all or most white men think and want. Don’t we complain about one person representing all black people or women? Then why would she give this man a podium to voice his opinion and defend it due to other crazed simplistic statements she said about weight in the past? Because it’s something SHE believes/HER opinion, it’s further ‘concrete evidence’ for her polemic (And I would take the word ‘evidence’ very lightly). To me this is a very simplistic uncomplicated naive view of the world, people, and dating– and not representative of reality.

    Christelyn should really be upfront and say her target audience is middle to upper class thin/trim/athletic women and how she thinks they should be/act to get an above average to high good looking, professional, mid to upper class white man because that’s what’s in her paradigm of a worldview–what she think is conventional. She could have easily taken the opinion of some white dude from middle America (Kansas/Missouri) from a lower class background and asked him how he felt/ or his ‘cultural values’ about weight on a woman–and that opinion could easily be as different from the original guy’s opinion BUT JUST AS VALID. And is he not a white man? Sheesh. Either way, it’s something that is ridiculous to keep writing about and a circular argument. She needs to just lay off of it because the more she does it the more she looks like a simple minded superficial unable to think critically non-credible writer.

    • Tina,
      I didn’t read the Facebook comments, so my perspective was based on comments from the original site. That said, I agree with you on this:

      “This could have easily been an opinion piece of another non-black man saying he preferred anything BUT slim/trim/athletic.”

      Good point!

      Generally speaking, I try not to concern myself with what someone writes about in their own space. It’s theirs, and opinions are like a$$holes – everyone has one. But I learned very early on what the values were for certain sites, and that they didn’t line up with mine. Therefore, instant loss of credibility, and no sense in trying to engage or change minds, even if you have a well-rounded perspective. They will believe whatever they want to believe, and folks are quick to declare the disagreeable “haters, derailers, trolls” and such. It is what it is.

      Like I mentioned earlier, there is a whole world out there beyond social media and the peanut galleries that dwell therein, and black women would be better served realizing that and living accordingly. Do you, Tina!

      This is Eugenia’s space, and I appreciate that she has a well-rounded perspective on interracial dating and relationships.

      • Yes, this is Eugenia’s space and it’s gone stay that way. I have small readership but I have a loyal one. I really like you guys, we may not always agree but I’m not fighting and fussing with folks I got better stuff to do, the day my blog becomes not for you,I’ve always suggested that they just move on. I’m not a fame whore personally I’d rather most folks just leave me alone. LOL.

        • It’s the same reason why she has lost so many readers over the years. I read this article and knew it was time to go http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/true-confession-advocate-swirling-black-mans-cast/ Why oh why in the hell would someone admit that? So she’s basically saying WM are BWs second choice. Who wants to be someone’s second or third choice? For one thing what happens when that IBM comes along. These BW gonna throw their non BM under a bus and leave them for the IBM? She also makes it sound like if a IBM had come along from the get go she wouldn’t have been with a BM nor would most BW be reduced to IR dating. That’s what this post reads like to me anyway.

          Sorry for posting to her site. I just wanted to know if anyone else is seeing/reading what I am or is it just me.

    • “I didn’t have so much a problem with what the white dude said because that’s nothing new under the sun. What I had a problem with and questioned was Christelyn’s motive or agenda for posting it. This could have easily been an opinion piece of another non-black man saying he preferred anything BUT slim/trim/athletic.But it isn’t.” <<< This is what I had the biggest problem with too. My thing, was: 1.) How well do you know this guy and how well have you vetted him? As Eugenia noted he sounds like a narcissist. To me his entire rant sounded abusive, and I’m in shape so I’m not a “hit dog hollering” (as a side note, as a personal trainer I would advise my clients to avoid relationships with people who think that way as it can have a detrimental effect on any weightloss and exercise goals they may have). Why offer his opinion as fact to a group of BW? 2.) How will this help or uplift BW? IMO it will only give the reader a complex.

      I stopped reading the blog regularly a while ago as I began to question some of the topics posted and those posting them; moreover, the comment section is almost impossible to follow if you’re actually working and living life but that’s true for many high volume blogs. I have no personal issues with the lady who runs BB&W, she’s never done anything to me personally but, I am aware that some other bridges have been burned elsewhere.

      • If that post had been something, OMG folks would have died and been calling him a DBR. So I’m wondering why is it okay for a wm to do it? I don’t like the double standard I hold all ppl to the same standard. Yes, if you’re a woman in shape or trying those words were not motivating to you or helpful to your psyche. I didn’t even see the part about assimilation, lawd it’s like the Asian woman thing all over again. Sigh. I’m getting tired of being bullied by blogs that are saying they are here to uplift me. Really…while you’re putting a boot on my neck.

  10. First time commenting here, but I really feel you on this.

    I remember when I first started reading blogs targeted to black women interracially dating and marrying, and I posted similar thoughts on a blog – that if a man wasn’t interested, I respected that and moved on. No need to be angry, falling out in sackcloth and ashes, or questioning the what, why, and how of his disinterest. And I recall a few women responding something akin to: “Well, white men have options, they can get who they want, so black women need to get it together and figure out why said man wasn’t interested.” And I have read some version of that mindset on 97% of sites I’m aware of that are targeted to BWIR.

    You know, I’m all for self-improvement and being cognizant of what is attractive to men. But women, black women in particular, have this notion that you have to be damn near perfect to land a man. And in my experience, all kinds of women have romantic relationships – ratchet, kind, self-centered, high maintenance, low maintenance, intelligent, dim, fat, slim, etc. Be the best You one can be, tempered with the reality that doesn’t mean every man wants what you have to offer. And that’s OKAY – unless you’re into the polyamorous life, you only need one.

    The problem, as I see it with some black women, is that the thirsty mentality of snagging a “GBM/IBM” is the same in discussions of expanding the dating pool.

    I have no idea why any sane black woman would take romantic advice from the original article site. That’s the same site where people were tearing down a 60 year-old white woman whose high-profile, government official husband was caught cheating with a younger woman…for being dowdy. I don’t know why any black woman who is unhappy with her weight, or is content with being larger, bothers to take such posts to heart. At the end of the day, it was one man’s opinion, who may or may not have been the fitness buff he claimed to be.

    I’m not advocating obesity for anyone, let alone black women. Heck, I’m trying to lose weight, and have no issues with men who prefer thin women. By all means, if that’s what you prefer, go for it. I see no need to argue about it, and have a social media tantrum over it.

    • Oh I had much to say about the man who cheated on his wife and it being blamed on her. Listen, that was a favorite blog of mine for a long time but I’ve grown beyond some stuff and I kept it moving but I didn’t understand the gnashing of teeth about what some random dude had to say. My thought too is if he’s as fine as he thinks he is why is he online dating, bw should be falling at his feet LOL. I’m so not concerned about what every random dude has to,say, I didn’t listen to random bm about what they required why would I do that with wm. some of us are just too insecure to be dating anybody. I’m glad you commented.

      • “My thought too is if he’s as fine as he thinks he is why is he online dating, bw should be falling at his feet LOL.”

        LOL, exactly. I’m usually suspect of people hiding behind online identities who 1) generalize about their own group and “culture,” and 2) start sharing their opinions on body size and such. People forget that there is an entire world out there beyond social media. It’s really easy and intellectually lazy to sit behind a computer screen and talk about how people should look. I’m willing to bet that most conventionally attractive, fit men who prefer thin/slim women…date said women. There are plenty of them out there.

        It’s great that one sane male commenter basically said. “White people may prefer thinness, but a lot of us are not.” I noticed a couple of male commenters who essentially responded, “Um, dude, speak for yourself.” Ha!

      • I missed your comments on the original site! I’ve been going htere less and less also. It’s way too different from what it started out as originally…for me anyway. love your blog and your videos!

        • I only read certain authors there and that’s very few. It seems more antagonistic for no reason and then ppl don’t want anyone to respond to the antagonism. You can’t seem to disagree w/o being jumped on. I was on there almost two years but although I already knew a bunch of the stuff on there b/c I had experience in IR dating now I’m beyond that. I’m not angry at everything, I really want bw to figure out how to stop being angry about everything and move on to the good life you deserve.

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