16 thoughts on “I’ll Take Abuse But I Won’t Take Love

  1. Again, you hit the nail right on the head.
    “He who finds a wife, findeth a good thing”. I don’t care what color a man is, I am the prize. That is/was my biggest issue with a lot of the so called blogs aimed at “helping” black women, they make it seem like white men have so many options, but we, being less than and unwanted are without options. So, we must flip backwards and side ways to get and keep the attention of white men.
    They were very harsh and dismissive of my comments, and said I took offense because I may fit the category of women, this man rejected. Why would you give this man a platform to say such nonsense? who does it serve?

  2. Thank you so much for this. Thank you for calling this phenomenon out. It’s a real problem, I have noticed too. I got here from a link on another “black women’s” site about interracial dating where they were talking about how white men don’t want “fat” black women. (I don’t think it was the article you were talking about specifically but it might as well have been, it was so similar in content).
    What I found so amazing about it was it was a prime example of what you were talking about. Here’s this website that purports to be about Black women and giving them advice, encouragement and guidance about stepping out of their comfort zone to find love and yet here they are bashing women or facilitating some white guy to bash us under the guise of empowerment or self actualization. If there’s a Black woman on this planet who doesn’t know that obesity in the African-American community is a growing problem, then they’ve been living under a rock. Why do we need an open letter from a white man saying “Black women of the world, white men don’t like you ‘cuz your fat”? (Which is also patently false, by the way).
    And what was amazing about this to me -that you mentioned- was how quickly other Black women proceeded to then pile on when other Black women got (rightfully) offended. All the while pretending that this was all just constructive criticism from “concerned” sister-friends. They preceded to bash other women, pathologizing Black women and girl’s self confidence in the face of the obesity epidemic. Yes, obesity in our community is a problem but at its root is more than just a bunch of people who refuse to “put the food down and go exercise” many Black people live in communities where a bottle of soda is literally cheaper than a bottle of water and yet despite that, many young Black women manage to have healthier body-images than young white women. Is that all good news? No, because it deincentivizes good eating habits and exercise. But the upshot is we can take a page from the First Lady and work on that in a way that doesn’t undermine and erode a level of self-confidence in our girls that is the marvel of countless sociologists world over. Like you I wonder what do we have to gain from tearing each other down? (Honestly the virulence of those comments left by other Black women was enough to make you despair and the site owner was busy patting herself on the back for what? Hard-hitting journalism?) There was no way she would have posted that article if it had been authored by a Black man, but because a white guy said it it’s gospel. Ironically, despite our confidence we let people disparage and abuse us at every turn. Once again, thank you for being a voice of sanity in the craziness that is the internet!

  3. To add: abuse can be confused with passion or caring. Some may think that if someone is so focused on them to continuously abuse them, they must feel deeply for them.

    Oh yes, Eugenia: I’m finally getting around to that gaslighting post you suggested. Should be up later today.

    • I’ll read it b/c you know gaslighting is a real phenomenon and happening much more than I think most ppl realize. And yes, abuse certainly can be confused as caring especially when that has been the way ppl have showed you they ‘care’ you know ‘oh suck but I’m only saying that to help you’ it’s negative reinforcement.

  4. Thank you for calling out emotional abuse. Sometimes it not the acts of commission, but the acts of omission. Black women need to get healed first. Like you said in your video, you have a lot of Black and White women who want your lifestyle. You didn’t get this lifestyle by accident, you worked on you and then you surrounded yourself with people who were uplifting and encouraged you and you encourage them. We are the prize. We are women who are delicate and when are the ones to be cherished and adored and men are suppose to
    problem solve
    We as women are suppose to be on the receiving end.
    Keep up the videos because we need to get the word out.

  5. Well, a vast majority of the women who teach abuse have received abuse, and they don’t know know to love. Abuse is pathological, and people who suffer from chronic abuse or a mental illness stemming from abuse tend to gravitate towards feeding that to others. If that’s all you know, then what else are you going to do? You can try to hide it, but it won’t work. The abusive nature comes out via your actions, words, etc. Eventually, you suffer from anxiety, depression, sleep disorders, and you lash out at others. Abusing others makes you feel better (the bully effect). Abusing others feels more comfortable to them as opposed to loving others. It’s sad but true.

    • You know I had an emotionally abusive ex husband and to overcome that and not pass it on to my new hubby. I had to get help, I has to seek out therapy. I’m always wondering why more BW at larger blogs are not telling women to do this but I really think it’s b/c they need therapy but they won’t get it. They’re bw on blogs telling other bw that if you get the ‘right’ wm and you’re the ‘right looking’ kind of bw it’s going to make it all better, he’ll justify you but no human being can do that it’s asking the impossible.

      • I think black women don’t encourage others to seek therapy for a couple of reasons: 1) paranoia about therapists understanding/misunderstanding their cultural and racial experiences, and 2) the belief that “talking” through it with girlfriends or on social media is the same as therapy.

        I’m not dismissing the therapeutic effect of close friendships, but in context of disturbing life experiences, emotional, psychological, sometimes verbal and physical abuse, I believe you need more than just a listening ear. And I think that many black women believe if they just have a good cry or ranting session about such experiences, it’s all good. That’s a mistake, and there is nothing wrong with getting professional help to work through it.

        But I know of even educated, academically professional black women who still hold antiquated views of therapy. It’s sad, really.

        • Trauma of any kind brings about effects like PTSD, depression, bi polar, panic and anxiety. Those cannot be handled by ranting to girlfriend b/c in all likelihood she’s having as many issues as you are and is avoiding getting help for them. I believe in therapy but my state is very proactive when it comes to mental health. Even with that we still have a lot of ppl not getting help. I know many places are not. Many people can’t afford it, many insurance plans don’t pay for it and yes Blk ppl for some reason think if you go to a counselor, psychologist, or therapist you’re crazy but I think you’re crazy not too. Small issues are one thing but many bw have dealt with trauma from childhood & adulthood that only therapy can help.

          • You make a good point about affordability. I’ve been fortunate enough to work for companies in which therapy is covered under medical insurance, in addition to the no-cost-to-the-employee counseling that is usually offered by Employee Assistance Programs/Plans. Though, I also think many people are unaware that EAPs even offer such services.

          • I think a bunch of ppl probably don’t know they have EAPs. Like you, when I worked I worked for firms with excellent health benefits, mental and physical. My husbands company has good mental health benefits, when I feel like I need it I go see the therapist not so much anymore but after I broke up w/ my ex, I saw them a lot. It’s a same, this country doesn’t take mental Heath more serious. Ppl could avoid a lot of problems even with physical health if they had some mental health help, it’s all entwined. But I tell ppl all the time if you can’t find a therapist that is affordable, read a book, there are books on here I recommended for emotional abuse and boundaries, I’m about to start talkg about co-dependency and will recommending books for that.

    • You know I just noticed something you said and you’re right that’s the feeling I get when I go onto some BW’s blogs, the feeling of being bullied. As if when you say something different not even being antagonistic just different you get jumped on. I know ppl don’t want to argue ppl down but as soon as you bring up a different perspective not being derailing or anything you’re jumped on. It feels like stepping into gang territory in some places.

  6. Ooooooooooweeeeeeeeee! Teaching!

    Where were you 25yrs ago??? Knowledge!!!
    Not one female in my family gave me the least bit of understanding! I was blocking any attention/affection because of what the women in my family went through with black men.
    And I did have deep trust issues, no matter the color or culture all men were liars, cheaters and users! I’m learning, that I deserve love and there are honest men(not just white men, but men in general) out there!

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