13 thoughts on “I Don’t Give Passes

  1. Girl, I just listened to see you with that gorgeous scarf on! Lolz. Then I put the headphones on to Pin on Pinterest and was pleasantly surprised.

    I agree, I had to step away from hearing too many blog mouths/voices. It really can be too much. It can wear down the psyche as you brought up. I see so much blame and honestly feel that bw are very aware of our faults. Our “flaws” are usually front in center with anyone we run across. Stereotypes and expectations of BW says it all. We need to be reminded of our greatness, our opportunities and about living a full and beautiful life. What we don’t do…what we don’t have…who we aren’t. Isnt that what we have been fighting to get away from?

    Glad you put this out there. Subtle behavior from white men towards black women has been running through the blogs and groups and the whistle blowing is minimal. I deserve better and ask/expect/demand just that. It seems that in the name of finding a man, we are put in the same position, in some cases/circles. No passes!

    • You’re right Chelle most ppl know what’s wrong with them, you don’t have to beat them over the head with it. Yes, like you I’ve seen the subtle passive aggressive, white privilege, anti-woman crap running through some of these bw centric blogs from white men and some of it just plain racism and I don’t like it and I’m not going to subject myself to it. I had emotional abuse in my last marriage, I don’t need that from a bunch of strange white men who aren’t trying to find or love a bw. Enough of bw being told they need to bow down to almighty wm or he won’t want you. Enough of perpetuating the myth that they have so many options, they don’t or are so scarce when it comes to IR dating and bw, they’re not. I love me too much for that and I’m going to keep on loving me. And if ppl aren’t coming from a place of love with what they say I’m done with them. Period.

      I’m glad you commented.

  2. Preach!!! When you were speaking, oh, nice head wraps by the way,
    I realize that I have to enjoy my singleness first. I am not saying bad about marriage, but I do want to make sure that I will be doing it for the right reasons and not just because. I also need to sharpen my discernment ability because I have been giving passes on some things. Even with my parents, people will use you if you let them, family and all.
    Black women did not have people in their lives for the most part to impart WISE council. I highlighted wise council because some folks was touting psycho babble. Black women, not all, have been used for MONEY, FREE ROOM AND BOARD, THERAPY AND USED AS PLAY THINGS. We have given passes to people who never cared about us and so we thought we were doing so because this is the will of God or some other crap. Thanks Eugenia for being honest and open. From here on no more passes will given to and I will set boundaries because if you are for me, I can be myself without having to buy your love or friendship. TRUE FREINDS ARE PRICELESS.

  3. The “He’s the prize” message is so prevalent on IR spaces that I have stopped visiting many of them. Seeing how women contort themselves in the name of “man-catchin’ ” is enough to make my head spin. It’s no longer just giving women tips for mingling with men and understanding cultural differences- no, it’s progressed to “man pleasing” at all costs, even putting your own health, safety, and future options (such as the ability to earn your own wages) at risk. It’s all about getting a husband at the cost of self-preservation. How crazy is that?!

    Giving passes will always be a no-no. I don’t do it, and it makes things a LOT simpler. I don’t have to keep tally of who *should* know better, because my stance doesn’t change and, if that is a problem for some hardheaded folks, then they get the boot.

    • The shift of the message from trying to empower bw to bw you need to chase this wm and get him at all costs is highly disturbing. You know I’m pro-marriage all day, everyday for people who desire that but if you don’t believe me there’s lots of other productive stuff you can do with your life. It’s as if, if you don’t get bw married they’ll all just stray into being baby mamas. I find the notion insulting to bw personally. I’m just sick of the bullying, if you’re highlight a problem I have please give me some tools or direction to solve it. Let’s not play the game of ‘how do I make myself feel better by making you feel worse’. Yes, everyone gets the same set of rules with me b/c everyone oughtta know better with me LOL.

      • The man-chasing trend is very disturbing, indeed. If nothing else, it sets women up for disappointment as they find out that all of the chasing usually causes you to end up with the WRONG man! I don’t know about all of these single women so gung ho about getting any old WM- my single days were FABULOUS and I had nary a child out of wedlock while I was footloose and fancy free. Many of my single friends are also child-free and living very full lives, so yes, the notion that being single at 25+ = inevitable babymamadom is crazy. The “tools” provided are no good, either. There is way more harm being done in those spaces than good.

        • The majority of black I’ve known have been single, no kids, or if they had kids they were married. Some are married with no kids like me. I don’t get this utter terror that if you don’t do what I say do, like I say do it, when I say do it, your life is doomed to fail. Whaa? That’s what happens when you chase men, you catch them but don’t want what you caught. A lot of men are catchable but are they keepable.

  4. I truly do not understand why some bloggers don’t understand that they are connected to EVERY.SINGLE.POST on their blog, regardless of the author or the divergence/convergence of their actual positions. I don’t have to agree with a person all the time, but I’ll at least respect you if you stand behind your position (assuming it’s not some ignorant foolishness). I’ve seen the “throw the rock, hide your hand” concept play out a lot online.

    What I’ve learned – much of the time, bloggers (and regular commenters) have their own issues that they may not have dealt with. And that’s fine, we’re all human. But folks are taking things as gospel and revelations from troubled/disturbed people, and that’s highly dangerous. Yes, even broken clocks are right twice a day, but that doesn’t mean I stop discerning what is beneficial and what is damaging to me.

    There is a saying often thrown out when someone may be held accountable for what they said or did – “eat the fish, spit out the bones.” Sometimes referred to as “Take what you need, and leave the rest.” What isn’t said: this is often misdirection, especially if 60%, 70%, 80% or more of what’s advised is damaging, but wrapped in pretty packaging. And I’m not even talking about folks with no boundaries, recovering from abusive relationships, and such. But there are a lot of young black women lurking, who are just inexperienced, naive, and/or don’t have folks offline they can receive guidance from, and are internalizing some messed up stuff.

    The people with common sense or real-world experiences are the ones who are often shouted down the most, especially if it’s counter to the party line. They’re also the ones who see the okey-doke, but don’t suffer fools for long, and eventually move on (as they should), when their voices are most needed.

    • Oh that’s one of my favorite sayings, take what you need but throw the rest out but yes there’s a caveat to that if I can only take 10 percent of what you’re saying my discernment tells me, I should move on b/c obviously something is wrong with you and your advice. I know I can’t and I don’t try to speak to everyone but my message is consistent. I’m not saying one thing one day and then saying another the next. No I’m not for everyone and I’m okay with that as I said, I have fine self esteem and I’m not hurting for a dollar. But we can always tell who is. I’m sorry no blog not even the HuffPo or The Root can get away with reader betrayal or a ton of highly conflicting messages. Many of these blogs are talking to ppl about things they have absolutely no experience with or idea about and yes that is scary especially b/c you’re right many young bw are getting these dangerous conflicting messages and they have no discernment as to what is good and what may be detrimental to them. It would be great if there were other voices in those spots not being shouted down by a bunch of blind followers or over privileged passive aggressive wm but unfortunately no. So my hope is those young women find there way to other blogs for bw with consistent uplifting messages for them instead folks trying to bully them or make them into black Stepford wives.

      • I agree. I think you can be pro-marriage without picking others apart. Besides, the prize seems to be the ring more than a quality relationship. Yours is one of the few blogs that discuss what it takes to sustain a marriage in addition to everything else.

        • Marriage is a wonderful thing, I love being married but I loved being single too. If you throw two fools into a marriage, all you got is two married fools. But they still fools. Marriage is more than trying to look sexy all the time and be submissive, a lot more. I’m real about marriage and what it takes to be prepped for you and to be in one. But just dealing with surface issues is not going to help anyone and giving ppl stupid advice is just dangerous.

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