4 thoughts on “We Compromise Too Much

  1. Yes, yes, yes. This is why, for years, I’ve given the side-eye to primarily women being told to change x,y,z to catch a man. Look, I’m all for self-improvement, always have been. But you’ve voiced what I’ve been thinking for some time: what does the woman get out of it if she’s the only one compromising? To say she’s married? So she can hang with the cool kids at the water cooler at work, complaining about husband and kids?

    As an observant outsider, I’ve noticed good marriages and bad marriages. And I can say that in the bad marriages, 95% of the time, the wives are miserable because they’ve done all the compromising. They’re the principal parent, do the bulk of any housekeeping, have to stay on their husbands about minutia (i.e. pick up the kids, go to the doctor, purchase this at the store), stressed out about finances. And that’s ON TOP of working, usually full-time. I’m single, and I’m supposed to be envious of you JUST because you’re married, and I’m not? Yeah, right.

    I have a co-worker (who is white, BTW, lest folks think only black women marry poorly), in her early 40s. She’s married with two kids. She’s the primary breadwinner, as her husband is a fisherman and works full-time 6 months out of the year. Mind you, I respect making your marriage work for you, so my issue is not that she brings home the bacon. It’s that, on top of working full-time, she has to drop off and pick up the kids as applicable, most of the time. She does the cooking and cleaning. She’s commonly out of the office intermittently because she’s having to take the kids to various medical appointments. Her husband got some kind of infection and had to be hospitalized briefly. She was constantly on him about going to his follow-up appointments, like he was a third child. One of them he missed, and SHE re-scheduled for him. Occasionally, he’ll goes to the Bahamas on “fishing” trips, which supposedly bring in money.

    My questions: Is her husband a grown-up? Or an overgrown child? If he ain’t working 6 months out of the year, why is HE not the one doing the bulk of the child transportation? Why can’t his behind do the bulk on the housework if he’s at home? Why can’t he be bothered to do some of the cooking? Why is she constantly having to remind him about picking up the kids, or going to his own appointment?

    She’s only a recent example, but I’ve known many women, black and white, who do the heavy lifting in the marriage. I can’t say for certain if SAHM/W are in the minority, but I know what I’ve seen with working wives and mothers. Women are getting okey-doked, for sure. Yet, many women’s entire identity is wrapped up in getting hitched so they’re not a statistic or stereotype. As my Mama used to say, “You can do bad all by yourself.”

    • LOLOLOL! I was dying at this ‘ So she can hang with the cool kids at the water cooler at work, complaining about husband and kids?’ Hahaha I think so. Listen, I know how is to have child for a husband, my ex-husband and I had child/parent relationship with him being the child and me playing the parent. As you know that does not endear a man to you, it only makes you resent him and him resent you. I’m so glad I’m married to another adult, he takes care of business, I don’t have to be on him to get stuff done. He’s a grown ass man and I’m a grown ass woman. Women do too much to catch a man and you know what if you do all that to catch him, you’ll have to do that to keep him. My mom used to say ‘start stuff how you want to finish’ that is still some excellent advice.

  2. Eugenia,
    Once again you have hit “it: out of the park.
    I have lived my life compromising in relationships…to my harm. Drawing a line in the sand is not for the faint of heart.

    • I know it’s not but is constantly compromising yourself and having tiny or large parts of yourself eaten alive doing you good. I’d rather be in pain for a little while after cutting out toxic folks than suffer for long periods because I ‘compromised’ when I didn’t desire to.

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