Encouraging Tip of the Day: Black Women You’re Not Defective If You’re Single

I had someone ask me a question via email on YouTube channel and when I read it I was puzzled and saddened but I’ve found someone I think could bring insight to this conundrum. She is Jamerican Queen Abroad, not her real name of course but the handle she uses on twitter and on her blog, go here to check it out. She is insightful, delightful and just all around wonderful person I talk to on Twitter a lot. I enjoy her wisdom and knowledge and I think this question begged for some of it. I asked her some questions and she gave me, as I knew she would, some great answers. And no you’re not defective if you’re a single.

This is the email letter I received from a viewer:

Hey Eugenia, what are your thoughts on dealing with loneliness when waiting for the right man. Your girlfriends can’t keep you warm at night. Also…I was born in the 80’s and started dating in the early 2000’s, and boy are the pickings slim !! Where are the good men at ? Do you think that the dating game has changed since the 90’s ? If so what’s changed ?? I talk to so many women with the same questions concerning men and relationships.

This is the great wisdom and insight JQAbroad as she’s known on Twitter gave to me.

1)  What were your first thoughts reading this message?

 JQAbroad:  My first thought after reading this is that this is actually a conversation that many young women are asking these days even sometimes asked within my circles. I’m sure the same questions were asked during the 90’s. The thing is you have to be careful in engaging in these types of conversations because it can actually turn into your reality. If you believe the pickings are slim, well that’s what you’ll get because that’s what you believe.

2)  Where do you think the persistent message that if you’re not boo’d up somehow you’re defective?

JQAbroad:  I believe this message has been around since the dawn of time. In fact even bible principle tells us that “it is not good for man to be alone”. So the message is loud and clear that 2 is better than 1. However that doesn’t mean you are defective if you are alone. During this time in your life (your singlehood) this is the best time to do whatever you’ve always wanted to accomplish. A life without goals can lead to a boring life. Take for instance; my biggest goal in life before I ever get married and have children was to live abroad for a year just to have the experience and to also visit Italy.

In addition I was able to visit Phuket, Thailand and see Usian Bolt win the IAAF championship in Daegu, South Korea.

I did all of that in 2011-2012. If my life’s goal was only to get a man, chances are that is what I would have gotten, but I would have also missed out on the experience of living abroad and the extra perks that came with it. I probably wouldn’t have done it if I was partnered with someone. Do everything you can on your own while looking out for that someone.

There’s nothing more boring than going on a date with someone who doesn’t have much life experiences. I’ve seen it. You don’t want to be that person.

3)  Do you find anything different about dating in this day and age? I know you’re in your 20s but is dating different or are people different?

JQAbroad:  I do believe that dating is different for my generation however regardless of the changes you must have standards for yourself.  Those standards are there to protect your heart and for the guy to set you apart from the rest of the women that he’s use to. Be the woman that he has to work for, he’ll appreciate it.

4)  Do you feel like it’s slim pickings for men? If so, why? If not, why?

JQAbroad:  To be honest I really don’t think so. In my experience as men get older and are still single, the less they actually go out because they have no one to go out with. As women whether we’re married or single, we’ll make time for our friends. Men, not so much. That’s why I encourage my friends to do online dating.

I know many people are skeptical of it, but I think it’s one of the greatest ways to meet men. I’ve met well traveled and educated men online whom I can’t believe they’re still single. They are quite the catch. So if you want a wider net of men, do online dating. Also grab the book “The Rules for Online Dating” it’ll prevent you from being catfished if you’re worried about that.

5)  What do you do while you’re waiting for the right one? Or are you waiting or just enjoying your life?

JQAbroad:  Personally, I am waiting and enjoying my life at the same time. I could never put my life on hold while waiting on a man I’ve never met. I believe there should be an equal balance of getting your life in order and meeting the person who you believe is meant for you. Also keep your eyes open when going out anywhere, that includes the grocery store. You never know where you might me someone.

6)  Are there any recommendations you have for women who say they’re lonely?

JQAbroad:  It’s funny, the only time I realize I am single is when someone points it out to me. Otherwise I really don’t notice. For women who say they are lonely, stop believing that you are. When your life is of full of activities, projects, and self awareness you will not feel lonely. Are there going to be days that you feel that you are…yes…but that should not be your only narrative. The season of singleness is only for a season…before you know it, you’re married, you’re trying to buy a house, thinking of how to put the kids through college, retirement and all other marriage concerns you didn’t think about when you were single.

Enjoy these single years as much as you can. I can look back during the time I spent in Korea, Italy, and Thailand, and just smile. These are stories I’ll be able to tell my future kids and hopefully provide them the same experience.

7)  And how did you get so awesome and insightful regarding this topic of dating?

JQAbroad:  I remember a friend of mine asked me the same question except it was “how did you get so confident? Where did you get your confidence from?”. To tell you the truth this did not happen overnight. This happened due to experience; disappointment from guys whom I thought were interested in me and I realized I was spinning my life around the value of having a man, that I didn’t feel valuable unless I had one. Which is contradictory to what God has taught me, which is that “I am beautifully and wonderfully made”, that we are all created after God’s own image. If that is the case then why did I feel as though I am not valuable unless a man was present in my life? I knew that I had to change the way that I thought about myself before I allowed any man to be part of my life.

As far as dating I’ll admit I read books regarding the game of love. I thought love was suppose to happen naturally without effort. That I would see him and he would see me and bam! We’d fall in love. Oh how foolish I was to think that. It’s a lot more complicated than that because we’re dealing with people who are coming from different backgrounds and experience. One book I highly recommend reading and what I usually tweet is “The Rules”. I didn’t realize how I using “The Rules” all along in addition to breaking them as well. Therefore I highly suggest the book.

To all the women out there who are single and looking, keep in mind that there are well accomplished single men who are also looking for an extraordinary woman such as yourself. The truth is that you haven’t found your match. You’re not destined to be single forever. Will it get easier in the dating game? No, in fact it’s never easy, but if you believe that you will find the one, it’ll happen. You just have to keep living, believing, and being proactive in your love life. It’ll happen!

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4 thoughts on “Encouraging Tip of the Day: Black Women You’re Not Defective If You’re Single

  1. Must say I agree. At almost 30, I’ve travelled the world, become fluent in a second language, bought a home on an island, have 5 more classes to finish my bachelor’s, & am almost halfway to retirement (I’m military, I’ll be eligible for retirement at 39). I love my life! I want someone to share it with but I don’t spend my life searching for that person. I’m enjoying the time I have to focus on school and my career and traveling on a whim! Lol Things that become a little more complicated with marriage & children. Ladies re-create and recreate yourselves, it’s the best gift you can give your future family!

    • I say be content where you are, nothing is wrong w/ wanting companionship but to want it at the cost of all else is not healthy. No man will give a woman a complete life, that’s unfair to ask of another human being. I don’t get broken ppl thinking they’ll be fixed only if Mr. Right comes along. I say it all the time be who you’ll seek. If you ain’t seeking that’s cool too. My best friend who is 42 and retired Army lives the life she wants as a single woman, living in downtown Seattle, traveling and having a good time. I respect her life, she respects mine and we’re still close friends although we lead different lives. I love being married, I do mean love it I’m not missing out on anything b/c this my life choice. My time as a single was also fabulous. It’s just being content in each state that makes it awesome. But don’t waste time pining for men while single, live your life personally any man worth his salt would find that more attractive than the desperate and needy.

  2. The answers remind me of my thought process when I was single, except I wasn’t looking for anyone at all. I actually thought I was going to live a fab single life, living in a brownstone in NY with two dogs, lol! I never was the type of woman who was focused on getting married. The year that I met my husband, I set out to achieve various goals, and within four months all of those goals were met (when I go for a goal, I go hard). After I achieved all of those goals, I met my husband. He literally came out of nowhere. I didn’t think we would go on a second date, let alone get married because I was so focused on the opposite. His persistence worked for him.

    I know what I’m about to say isn’t popular, especially in the Black women’s blog circle, but its true: Focus on you and get your shit together before you go looking for a husband. Point.blank.period. Rushing and worrying will only cause more problems.

    • It may not be popular but yea no one is going to complete you but you. You attract who you are, not what you want, I can’t say that enough. So why not be fabulous.

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